jobs are a wonderful thing. They offer pleasure, enjoyment, and amusement that the whole family can enjoy. A good boob job can brighten your day with a tingly sensation in your balls
, and a bad boob job can tickle your funny bone to no end. Many people know the basics of boob jobs, but most people haven’t taken the time to study the history
of them to really find out what they’re all about. Lucky for you, we decided to do just that:
The Origin and Evolution of the Boob Job
Believe it or not, the first boob job operation was performed in the late 1800′s by a doctor named Vincenz Czerny who was obviously a "titty guy". Czerny filled a woman’s pathetic bust with tissue removed from a weird growth on her back, which is pretty disgusting, but also kind of cool because he turned a nasty tumor into a nice rack. Doctors in the early 20th century, in constant quest for the perfect tits, tried a number of different materials to acheive the desired results. They experimented with ivory, glass balls, rubber, wool, ox bones, plastics, and even sponges.
They also experimented with a number of various creams and salves that, when applied directly to the boobs, would hopefully make them grow. Yes, that’s right: in the name of science, they painstakingly watched women rub cream on their tits in hopes of them getting bigger. Doctors are smart dudes.
Types of Boob Jobs
In the early ’60′s, the world demanded bigger titties, and in typical fashion two Texans answered the call. Determined to make sure everything was bigger in Texas, Thomas Cronin and Frank Gerow introduced the silicone implant, and the "Titty Boom" of the early ’60′s was born. Two years later, unhappy with their flat-chested gals and quickly dropping behind the U.S. in World Titty-Size rank, France responded with the creation of a saline implant. The great "Titty Race" was underway. The world rallied behind both methods, and the mudslinging began. Proponents for silicone implants argued that saline implants were more likely to ripple and wrinkle, making titties look like that old Templar Knight at the end of The Last Crusade.
Saline fans accused silicone of causing cancer, prompting the FDA to ban silicone in 1992. The world mourned, demanding bigger titties at any cost, and the ban was lifted later that year. A third method, developed by a man who obviously thought that saline and silicone implants weren’t wacky enough, involved filling titties with silly string. Literally: silly string. Because the silly string substance will never stop expanding, silly string titties never stop growing, resulting in cartoonishly large-breasted women and awesome birthday parties for both parents and children alike. Eventually, the silly string method was deemed too damn wacky, and a ban was imposed in the U.S. and Europe in 2001.
Who Gets a Boob Job?
Because doctors are smart, they’ve taken to doing a lot of studies on boob jobs and the chicks who get them. For the most part, women who get boob jobs are usually young, healthy, and wealthy (except in the U.S., where poor, flat-chested chicks take out loans to pay for tits). They are often married and many times even have kids (gross, right?). They also tend to have very low self-esteem, which is probably their reason for getting a boob job in the first place, and all the more reason for you to hit on a chick with fake titties. If you’re a fan of fake titties on an international level, go here:
Holland boasts the highest number of boob jobs per capita. Be careful, though, because women who get boob jobs are generally three times more likely to commit suicide, and much more likely to be drunks and drug addicts, because eventually even a killer rack can’t override a lifetime of hating yourself and being told you suck at everything. Luckily, you’ll always have something to talk about, should you choose to hit on that fake-tittied babe at the bar.
What If Something Goes Wrong?
Unfortunately, not every boob job turns out perfectly. Many people turn to the cheapest doctor they can find, and their bargain bin operation leavs their nipples looking like pepperonis cut with a cookie cutter and tits pointing in opposite directions like a set of muppet googly eyes (see examples below). In conclusion: Hooray for Boobies!