We at Holy Taco like to keep you abreast of all the new technological innovations in the field of robotics, and we like to inform you on how they will eventually enslave and/or kill us all. The way we see it the robot uprising is inevitable, and we just want to familiarize you guys with the machines that will plug all kinds of probes in to your butt to feed on your energy, only to discover that the plug is incompatible with our American butts, so our brains short out and fire sparks. That will be a fact sooner rather than later.
Back in August of last year we informed you of one such robot that was developed by a research group from Osaka, Japan, called the Telenoid R1 telepresence robot. To refresh your memories, it was a soulless paraplegic sperm cell’s ghost. Its purpose was to offer some kind of visage to speak to when communicating with someone over the phone, but really, all it did was make it look like you were talking to the wall-mounted hostage you keep in your basement who you regularly douse with bleach after you saw off one of his limbs.
Well, if you enjoyed that horror, you will soon be able to carry it around with you…like that certain lingering sensation of someone watching you, knowing full-well what atrocious crimes you’ve committed, what terrible things you’ve done to that ghostly, limbless figure in your living room.
Yes, the same company that brought you the original creepy emoting robot is shrinking it down so you can carry the R1 around with you to act as a cellphone, allowing you to make people scream and vomit wherever you go. The handheld version will perform the same duty as its big brother; namely, it will mimic the facial expressions and body movements of the person on the other end of the line. So now when you’re on the phone having a serious conversation with your lover, it’ll look like you’re trying to convince an albino salamander that having an abortion is not ideal, but it’s the only option right now.
The cellphone version of the R1 will probably be a little expensive upon release, with some analysts speculating it will request to be fed the innards of your first born, and it will “doom-f*ck your innocence in to the demon realm,” whatever that means. I don’t know. It’s Japan. They all speak funny over there.