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Holiday Gift Items Your Neighborhood Burglar Will Love

We often spend most of our Christmas shopping time worry about what gifts our friends and family will enjoy. But rather do we ever think about the likes and dislikes of the people that break in to your house a couple nights before Christmas, or even a few months after Christmas, to steal everything you’ve put so much time and effort in to buying on Amazon while you’re in your underwear.

It’s about time you started adding these ski mask-wearing criminals on to your shopping list, because they’re people, too – people without jobs and easy access to those hole cutting things you see professional thieves in movies use. The guy has probably a bunch of babies that he has to provide for, and he has a wife’s crack addiction to keep up, so do him a favor and buy him one of these wonderful gifts.


Your common breaker and enterer is more often than not a very industrious, self-motivated fellow who is trying to balance multiple plates at once. He has to rob a series of houses over on 7th street, but he has to do that before his 4 A.M. security guard shift at the bank he dreams of robbing. And on top of that, he has to co-manage an up-and-coming crack syndicate while carefully negotiating the traitorous bullet-riddled path that leads to crack  glory. An iPad is perfect for this nefarious upwardly mobile scumbag, as it offers all of organizational functionality a busy outlaw needs, while pairing that with a nice visual aesthetic that is sturdy – making it perfect for those moments where a burglar finds they have to bludgeon a person they thought wasn’t home.

X-Box Kinect

When your neighborhood burglar comes home from a long night of taking the items other people have presumably worked very hard for, they just want to have some fun and not think about work. But, inevitably, their significant other will come barging in screaming about needing to feed their baby, or about how a cop came by earlier in the day asking about their whereabouts. It’s moments like these that your burglar will just want to escape reality for an hour or two, or however long it takes for the 8-ball to wear off. Putting a Microsoft X-Box Kinect in your home ripe of the picking is exactly what the doctor ordered; and by “ordered” I mean, “illegally proscribed to you for the purposes of selling on the street at an insane markup with the doctor getting a majority split of the profits.”

Playing a couple rounds of Kinect Adventures will melt away all of the stresses a man who fully realizes that his story will with him getting ass banged by a large dude drunk on prison wine. Playing Kinectimals will fill him with the loving sensation that his parents never gave him – love that could have prevented his life of theft and that one murder behind the RiteAid that time.

Samsung 46” LED LCD 3D TV

Sure, your burglar won’t understand most of that series of letters at the end of that product description, but he sure can understand street value when he sees it!

The smaller size means it’s optimal for sliding through broken windows, and the 3D technology will surely wow the guy that eventually buys it for a fraction of the price off the back of a mobile blackmarket cleverly disguised as an ice cream truck. Your burglar with love all of the thought and attention you put in to buying this gift for yourself that, after he takes it, will show his appreciation by breaking back in a few nights later for the 3D glasses, and maybe even your copy of Avatar on Blu-Ray. They’re going to give it to their kids, thus perpetuating the lie about daddy being a hotshot lawyer. The little girl won’t fall asleep crying tonight!

And, according to the picture, turtles come out of it. Which is a plus.

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