Former Hugh Hefner concubine Holly Madison recently had her breasts insured for $1 million by Lloyd’s of London. Or so you have been led to believe by the mainstream media. As with most things in life, the real story is much more complex.
Holy Taco first met Holly Madison’s breasts on June 3rd, 2007. We noticed there was a human attached to the breasts, but we cared not for that human’s words and thoughts. Upon gazing in to the breasts eyes we fell madly, deeply in love. Together Holy Taco and Holly Madison’s breasts frolicked on sandy beaches, sang songs of love and lust, and discussed at great length the many strains of bacterial growth in the petri dish of viral plague that is the Playboy mansion hot tub. In other words, we developed a passion for one another the world hadn’t seen since Bonnie and Clyde killed all of those people. Now that’s love.
But our love with Holly Madison’s breasts was a front; a ruse; an elaborate staging of events and false emotional displays to convince the world that our love was true and lasting. Soon after Holly Madison started her own Las Vegas burlesque show “Peepshow” we began to plant the seeds of our grand plot in the mind of Holly Madison’s breasts. We said, “Holly Madison’s breasts, wouldn’t it be wise to insure yourselves much in the same way Jennifer Lopez has insured her hiney?” Holly Madison’s breasts stared at us blankly, because they are breast and that’s what they do — but also because her breasts were struck silent by the brilliance of our idea.
“Yes,” is what we imagine her breasts would have said if breasts could talk. “Capital idea, Holy Taco!”
And then we boned. A lot. So much boning, you guys. Like, you don’t even know.
Soon after we planted the idea in her breast’s mind, the owner of Holly Madison’s breasts (whose name escapes us at the moment), promptly insured Holly Madison’s breasts for $1 million, with Holy Taco as he next of kin, and the eventual beneficiary of any and all payout should Holly Madison’s breast be met with any…accidents.
And with this, our grand scheme is nearly complete. By gaining the trust of Holly Madison’s breasts we have ensured our financial standing for quite some time. Now, all we have to do is ensure that Holly Madison’s breasts meet an unfortunate end.
Don’t ask us how we know, but we’ve received word that Holly Madison’s breasts will “fall” off of the 7:30 AM train from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, because we’re assuming there is in fact is a train that takes you from Las Vegas to Los Angeles.
The death of Holly Madison’s breasts will be sad and untimely. “Holly Madison’s breasts were taken from us when they were at their perkiest!”, the pundits will say. Television stations will run hastily edited video packages of the best moments of Holly Madison’s breasts, like that time she took them out. Meanwhile, we at Holy Taco will weep in front of cameras and give exclusive interviews in which we express our deep sadness at the passing of our lovers.
But, when the camera men have left us alone and the interview requests dry-up, the only place you or anyone else will be able to find us is on a beach in Tahiti, basking in the warm glow of the Tahitian sun and bathing in insurance fraud money gained via the intricately orchestrated demise of a pair of tits.