After 25 years, Oprah Winfrey ends her juggernaut of an afternoon talk show today. While many middle aged women will miss their daily dose of health and beauty tips presented by underage hooker mothers that survived African civil wars (Ed. Note: we may be confusing Oprah with Maury) we certainly won’t, mostly because we’ve never seen a single episode of her show; a fact we take pride in.
But seeing as Oprah’s final show is kind of a big deal, pop culturally speaking, Break Media decided to send us off to Chicago to catch the live taping of the final episode.
We’re going to be honest here, people: we were pretty stoned. We didn’t imbibe, smoke, inject or snort any narcotic before the show. We were mostly blazed off of the wafting scent of Febreze, Channel No. 5, and Pilates sweat that all middle age women seem to be frosted in, like a cake made of menopause. So forgive us if the notes we are about to present you with are less than coherent. We wanted to turn them in to normal article that would critique that final episode, but, as you’ll see, once we sobered up we realized we had no idea what we witnessed and had no idea what we were trying to say.
Note #1: “Why is everyone crying? Did I kill again?”
Note #2: “She’s talking about child rape. Shit’s getting heavy! Like Oprah! (this joke will kiiiiiiiiiilll!)”
Note #3: “Note to self: be more like Rahpo. Become black lady. Become wise enough to make fart jokes important to world, children, children of world, and, most importantly, the mentally challenged children of the world, who are so blessed to be mentally challenged. Pears. I wants.”
Note #4: “Emotional boner tears!!! (turn in to photoshop article featuring heroin addict bears)”
Note #5: “This is a best Depeche Mode concert I’ve never been to!”
Note #6: “For future reference: don’t ask Oprah to play Freebird. She won’t play it. Sellout.”
Note #7: “Audience of over 200 women. 5 men. 4 of us have to be gay. I gay?!”
Note #8: “Article about Oprah as president of moon. Moon made of cheese. Moon cheese resources depleted in one year. Article will get infinity views.”
Note #9: “I will woo her with melodic flatulence/knowledge of Star Wars expanded universe.”
Note #10: “Screenplay Idea: Oprah + Willy Wonka + red ticket dispenser from deli + sex scenes from Splice = all the Oscars.”