It seems some genius over in Hollywood is trying to make a Where’s Waldo? movie. I’m not using the word genius sarcastically, as I truly believe this to be a great idea. The reason I believe this is because I’ve had an idea for a Where’s Waldo movie for a long time. This is the perfect opportunity for me to pitch my screenplay idea to a major Hollywood studio.
Man, I’m so excited. It’s going to be so good, you guys. You don’t even know. But you will, just as soon as you read my act-by-act breakdown of the plot!
And here it is…
Waldo, a loner with a motorcycle and a dog, is on a mission. He’s traveling down a dirt road, surrounded by nothing but trees. The trail opens up and we see a large collection of people; it’s a renaissance fair…or is it? It probably is. Or not!
It turns out it’s not. It is a renaissance fair, but an actual renaissance fair. As in, an actual renaissance fair that takes place during renaissance times! Dude’s a time traveler! That’s why in the books we see him hanging out on a modern beach and in a medieval dining hall. Waldo is like Quantum Leap. You know, the main character from Quantum Leap, whose name I don’t remember, so therefore I call him Quantum Leap.
As he rides through the crowd, looking like penis-in-vagina-sex in carnate and on a motorcycle with a dog that’s dressed just like him, all the renaissance people stare, terrified of his loud devil horse and his shotgun. And, yeah; he has a shotgun. It’s f*cking huge. And red. And white. Waldo parks his hog next to actual hogs, because that’s our version of a joke.
He walks in to a big-ass castle filled with lords and ladies and midgets with funny hats and other tropes of rich Renaissance shit. Da Vinci’s there, just kinda hanging out. It doesn’t matter that this is more English renaissance times and not Italian renaissance times. We’re f*cking logic in the ass with this shit, so hold the f*ck on, slap nuts! Shit’s about to get real! How real?
Wizards. That’s how real.
Waldo touches a specific brick on a wall or something secretive like that, and the wall opens up and revels that wizard guy you have to find in the Waldo books. It turns out the wizard guy’s name is Gandalf, because he influenced Tolken when he was writing the Lord of the Rings books. We never mention this; it’s implied. But we imply the shit out of it by never once even coming close to mentioning it or hinting at it. People will just get it, you know?
Anyway, Waldo talks to the wizard and the wizard is all like, “Waldo! Time is f*cked and shit! You have to travel through it and just kind of stand around looking at stuff while a bunch of crazy shit happens around you!”
To this, Waldo replies, “Again? It seems like every time I retire from saving Time by standing in it there’s some new threat to Time that requires me to travel through it and stand in it. Blast! Drats! Old timey curse words!”
Gandalf says, “Yep”, and BAMFs that slim sum bitch through time. What time? No; more like WHEN TIME!
Waldo ends up in dinosaur times. It’s like Jurassic Park meets a picture book about locating a dude. As per instructions given to him by Gandalf, Waldo and his trusty dog have to travel to a specific spot in dinosaur times and he has to stand there for, like, a couple of minutes, which is hard. Because of dinosaurs. And as we all know…dinosaurs, man – so hard.
Things are further complicated as Odlaw, Waldo’s nemesis from the acclaimed Where’s Waldo tomes, shows up at the spot that Waldo has to stand. Odlaw’s intentions are nefarious, as he not only plans to stand in the same spot, but he plans to stand there and look the other way while standing in that spot. Needless to say, doing this would f*ck time really hard and shit. Waldo, being the hero, is very anti-hard time f*cking. In fact, the moral of the whole story is one about abstaining from time f*ckary. It’s a Christian film.
So, like, Waldo sees Odlaw, and Odlaw’s all like, “I’m going to stand THIS WAY! And I’m taking all of time with me!” And Waldo’s all like, “BUT WHY?!” And Odlaw is all like, “…”. You can’t read what he said because he shrugged so dismissively that it when you see it you think he actually said words, even though he didn’t say words. It’s really deep artsy shit.
Waldo and the dog rush at Odlaw to try to stop him from standing there, but then a giant goddamn T-Rex pops in and makes things hard, as dinosaurs are want to do in dinosaur times.
After some crazy T-Rex fighting, Odlaw finally accomplishes his goal: he stands the other way. And, yes; it is, in fact, just as insane as it sounds. I hope we have the budget for this level of intense action. We’re going to need to get the Avatar team to work on this thing to make the standing truly believable. Everybody hates it when movies can’t get standing to look right.
After Odlaw stands the other way, the Time f*ckary commences. Black is white; up is down; Waldo’s red stripes turn white, and his white stripes turn in to a really cool indy band liked by people that you hate.
Turns out Odlaw was doing all this so he can change Time and steal Waldo’s girlfriend, Wilma.
After this, shit gets so much more realer than the previously mentioned levels of realness. Why? Because Waldo dissparears from time. And then – get ready for this shit – the T-Rex goes, “Where’s Waldo?!” BAM! Titular line. Slap that shit on a poster. You’ve got your trailer right there.
Waldo and Odlaw travel through Time; all of it. It’s nuts. One minuet they’re fighting and standing while in the middle of the Super Bowl, and the next they’re fighting and standing during the Spanish Civil War. And then there’s some fighting and standing in 1980s communist Russia, and then there’s some fighting and standing during the Ottoman Empire times. This movie will have no less than 150% more fighting that eventually leads to standing than any other movie to date. And then Waldo finds a wizard hat and a camera as a nod to the books. Nerds will eat this shit up, where normal people will be like, “What a waste of f*cking time that shot of a hat was.”
So, anyway, Waldo and Odlaw are doing their thing, when all of a sudden they end up in future times. In these future times, Waldo and Odlaw see the damage their standing around in Time has done. To put it succinctly, shit f*cked. All their time f*ckary has created a weird paradox in which all time is happening simultaneously, because I totally stole that idea from the last episode of this past season of Doctor Who. If I just spoiled Doctor Who for you, tough shit. Watch faster.
Waldo feels regret. Odlaw feels boners. He’s really happy about all this time f*ckary. He gets off on it. But he’s not done yet. Now that Odlaw has Wilma, he wants to end all of Time so the record books of history clearly show that when all of time ended he was banging Wilma and Wilma wasn’t banging Waldo, which I guess is a victory for him. Hey, nobody said the villain’s motivations had to be logical. Like that old guy in Batman said, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.” There. Done. With one line I’ve written away all need for logic. Suck on that, people that like things to make sense! Oh, and there’s going to be a point in the movie where Waldo watches that scene from The Dark Knight and it’s really powerful because it is relevant to the story. And then we’re going to have all of The Dark Knight in the middle of the Waldo movie, because Dark Knight made, like, a billion bucks, and this Waldo thing will make, like, 2 billion without the Dark Knight stuff. So add in the Dark Knight and you have a 3 billion dollar gross. And that’s what math is.
So Waldo fights Odlaw in all of Time at the same time. Things are looking bleak for Waldo, when suddenly, Time shows up. That’s right, that’s why I’ve been randomly capitalizing the word time through-out this article with very little consistency: Time is actually a person, and he really hates Odlaw, and he really likes Waldo. Waldo is Time’s champion. So Time kills Odlaw with a big-ass explosion that corrects all of time back to what it was before the f*ckary.
Waldo gets his leg hurt in the explosion, so Time gives Waldo his signature walking cane, which is filled with a little bit of Time’s very own time powers; thus cutting out the need for Gandalf because the actor was a pain in the ass and was too expensive to begin with. Also, because when fans of the books watch this movie they’re going to be all like, “Where the cane at?”. And with this movie we’re all like, “BOOM! CANES!” Shit, the subtitle of this movie might as well be Where’s Waldo Origins: Cane: The Great Waldoing 2. Where’s part one? Part two, this movie, will be part one. It will be a prequel that will be released before this movie, but will be made 5 years after this movie.