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Holy Taco’s Royal Wedding Gift

star wars

The Royal Wedding is today and we still haven’t settled on a gift for the happy, stiff couple. What do you get for the couple who have everything except another Corgi or a purpose in the modern world? Hard to say. We want to provide something that represents not just America, because Obama is probably already sending a pie filled with guns and baseballs, but Holy Taco.

With your help, we’ll have our intern pack up one of these gifts and that lunch box with a human heart in it he’s been carrying around waiting to fly across the pond. Help make history, kids.

An Assortment of Fleshlights

We have these left over from an article a few months back. Sure, maybe a hot dog was eaten out of one by my dog, and maybe I glued googly eyes to some, and maybe some were defiled in a sexual way, but hey, that’s what interior design experts call “character” and, let’s be honest, did anyone else think to do a Fleshlight and then give it to royalty? Probably just the President of France.

CHUD 2 on VHS

bud the chud

I discovered CHUD 2 back in the mid 90’s after watching the first CHUD and realizing my life had not been complete without cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. So I sought out the sequel and bought it and it sucked so hard. But that doesn’t make it a bad gift. Because have you seen CHUD 2? Of course not, only me and 15 other people have seen CHUD 2. So this is a really rare gift.

Box o’ Porn

The internet kind of made non-internet porn obsolete, but it didn’t make it evaporate. So the entire editorial staff of Holy Taco has had boxes, bags and a suitcase of old porn moldering in storage lockers for a few years now but dammit, it’s still good. And royalty can’t be using their jewel encrusted Macs to download porn, it’d be scandalous – but they obviously still need something to stoke the fires on the honeymoon, look at William’s hairline for God’s sake, they’re going to need something. We gotcha, Will and Kate. Get some Vaseline.

$3.70

money

Newlyweds need money more than they need your shitty Panini press.

Clever T Shirts

i'm kind of abig deal

Clever t-shirts evolved with the internet, you can’t swing a cat online without hitting a cafepress store that sells hilarious t shirts featuring quotes from movies you saw five years ago. Remember Anchorman? Ha ha, I bet Will and Kate love lamp, too.

Chicken Wings

Holy Taco pretty much exists by the grace of budget liquor and chicken wings. Tacos too, of course, but damn, chicken wings are the only food items you can eat by the crippling bucket load and know that you have left numerous beasts handicapped as a result. If that’s not royalty I don’t know what is.

Glenn Beck

douchebag

No one wants him here and the English don’t have one.

Shake Weight

This is a great gift idea – it’s practical because it will keep you in shape and it’s fun because it looks like you’re whacking off. In England they call it wanking. The Queen would get a real kick out of this, I bet.

2 Responses to "Holy Taco’s Royal Wedding Gift"

  1. morterforker says:

    those are all pretty good gifts. if i was royalty, and this was my big day, i would want midgets and donkies. or maybe a crack whore to use as a bathroom instead of a porcelain toilet.

  2. Myles Long says:

    What does “royalty” do besides look like 12 year old kids in Halloween costumes? Chicken wings sound really good right now thanks for the idea.