It’s the weekend and that means there’s a whole new crop of films coming out to entertain you while you eat $5 popcorn and drink $5 Mountain Dew and gorge yourself on $5 Milk Duds. Sweet. But what movie should you see? With no other websites around recommending what movies to watch, HT is here to help you make that difficult choice. And, unlike other movie sites (which we just acknowledged don’t exist so please don’t Google them), we don’t pretend to have seen all these movies, we’re just going to give you what seems like the gist. Most reviewers are scumbag liars anyway, just ask anyone at Screenjunkies or Filmdrunk. All scumbags.
The Lucky One
Zac Efron is a marine in this movie, so I guess it’s sci fi or comedy. It’s about how he stole some picture of a strange chick and decides she should probably be in love with him, but in a way that’s not nearly as creepy as I just made it sound, even though that’s exactly what the movie’s about. You see because it’s dreamy Zac Efron, not an insane stalker.
Obviously no one here watched this movie, because come on. But we have seen commercials, and it pretty much seems like hot blondes won the war in Iraq though the power of American proxy boners. Saddam never stood a chance.
This movie probably flirts with the idea of a sex scene but never pays off. And the action is likely limited to worrying about whether or not Zac Efron’s hair will make it through war time OK. And there’s a good chance the film will have some swelling music at some point, just when something super vaginated is happening. We don’t want to sound sexist by saying that, but let’s be honest, this movie was made by dumping Zac Efron into a Prius full of estrogen and overnight pads with wings and giving it a good shake.
Should You See It: Ha ha. No.
Think Like a Man
This is based on a book written by Steve Harvey who you may recall is a man who wears double breasted suits and hosts the Family Feud. But not the guy who was in Running Man. It’s about how women should, uh, think like men. And apparently Kevin Hart is in it saying funny stuff about how great he is, because he does that.
On one hand this movie has nothing to do with Tyler Perry so no matter what else happens, it’s not like you’re seeing a Tyler Perry movie. On the other hand the director also directed both Fantastic Four movies and the 2004 monstrosity Taxi starring Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, film’s most awesome duo since Kathy Bates and Jack Nicholson shared a hot tub and burned the brains of audiences everywhere.
If the movie lived up to a title it’d be 90 minutes of chicks bouncing their own boobs but there’s a fair to high chance that doesn’t happen even once, meaning the whole movie is founded on deception and is probably not worth your time.
Should You See It: If you need to escape police attention for a few hours
Disney nature documentaries are the best if you know the history of lemmings. Do you know that story? We’ll recap quick. It’s a common belief that lemmings are so stupid they commit suicide en masse by simply following each other off cliffs to their doom. Disney filmmakers wanted to catch that behavior on camera but it turns out lemmings don’t really do that. So the filmmakers made them do it. Ha ha! Fun!
Disney probably doesn’t kill chimps in this movie, but it’s likely one of those “documentaries” you need to use quotation marks to talk about, where they anthropomorphize everything and manipulate the story to elicit emotional responses. But there’s a good chance you get to see monkey shenanigans, too.
One time I went to a zoo in Illinois, and this monkey was sitting in the top of a tree looking at these old ladies who were looking back at him. He’d masturbate vigorously for like 30 seconds then try to find a way to jump over to them, then return to masturbating. The old ladies all giggled and took pictures. It was totally depraved. The monkey wasn’t a chimp, but I don’t have any chimp stories.
Should You See It: Yes! Didn’t you read that monkey story?
The Moth Diaries
Have you heard of this movie? No, but it opens today anyway. It’s another teen vampire film only with all girls this time to appeal to the small but not lucrative “morbid highschool lesbian” demographic. Unfortunately, this is also one of this “is she a vampire or isn’t she?” movies, so half of the film is probably wasted on shitty scenes that make it seem like something is afoot, but is it really? The answer, of course, is meh. The amount of not giving a shit per minute of film is astounding here.
I refused to read anything else about this movie, but do you remember The MothMan Prophecies? Richard Gere didn’t put any gerbils in his ass during that movie. That I know of.
Should You See It: Meh
This is a sequel to Marley and Me, the depressing as shit movie starring Owen Wilson, Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson’s nose. This time it focuses on Bob Marley, the most famous Jamaican ever, and that includes the Predator from both Predator movies. Yes, even the Danny Glover one. Even.
Bob Marley has been dead for over 30 years, however he’s still pretty awesome and, God willing, his hologram will be touring any time now. But before that happens, we can enjoy this documentary about him, assuming you like reggae music and Marley in general. If you don’t, maybe go find a friend who can introduce you to pot* and see if that makes you like it.
*Ed. Note – By pot we mean cookwear. We don’t endorse the use of illegal drugs. Nope.
Should You See It: Yes, unless you hate good times and brownies.