Hello Congress, fellow Americas, distinguished guests that found this article on Stumble Upon, and Holy Taco regular audience,
The picture President Obama painted in his State of the Union address is a rosy one, filled with flowery language and proper “sentence structure”, all about how America is slowly but surely climbing its way out of the economic gutter and back to prominence. While I certainly share his view for the most part, I think we have a much longer ways to go before we declare victory over these troubling times we’ve lived in.
For starters, I still don’t have a fancy touchscreen smart phone and everyone that does is a real dick about it. Everyone’s all “Look at my apps! Look at my apps!” and I’m all like, “Shut up.” Also, I, for some reason, still don’t have E! in HD, even months after my local cable provider promised I’d have it by now. I don’t even watch E!, but still. It’s a part of my cable package and, just, you know…c’mon, guys. This isn’t the America I signed up for, nor is it the cable package I signed up for.
These are just a couple of areas America still needs to improve upon. That’s not to take away from the fact that things have gotten better, and not just for the top 1%, but for everyone.
Take, for example, Michael Madeup from some state in America. Michael is a single mother of two, or maybe he’s a coal miner with a bad hip, or maybe he has too many fingers – the point is, I just made him up and now you feel sorry for him. But there is some light at the end of Michael’s tunnel. That light is a plan that I thought of after I made up Michael Madeup and started to think of all the fake ailments I gave him. So, with Americas like Michael in mind, I will champion a new task force of violent men with large guns that will eradicate all instances of single motherhood, bad hips, and too many finger-ness.
I know that some of my critics will argue that I’m using a hatchet when a scalpel will do, and to them I say, I don’t know what those things are but I promise I will look them up on Wikipedia, once I pay my internet bill. I can only hope Net-Zero takes food stamps and Pottery Barn gift cards. If not, I have some leftover garlic rolls I’m willing to barter with.
Mm. Garlic barter….
And once I get my internet back I will faster be able to help other Americas, like Susie Fakenames from Delaware, Marco Isntreal from Miami, and Dylan Fiction from another place. All of these people may or may not be real, but in a perfect America we will make them real with the use of photoshop and a guy that knows a guy that can make fake ID’s and passports.
What will we do with these people? I don’t know. But maybe we can sign their names on to some contracts and use their sterling credit ratings to open some new titty bars, where the girls will give you a handies for the most competitive prices in the world.
I don’t know. Just a thought. Just throwing that out there. Use it, don’t use it – whatever.
In his speech, President Obama called on every state to pass a law banning a high school student’s ability to drop out. While I respect the idea and intention behind this statement, I cannot agree. Dropouts are what make this country go. High school dropouts are the back bone of the drug dealer industry and I would swat a burger out of the hands of a high school graduate that attempted to hand me my meal at a McDonalds drive thru. When I want the cheapest food imaginable, I don’t want it given to me by some pompous smarty-pants nerd. I want my LSD and Big Macs handed to me by people that have said the phrase “Reading is for fags” many times, straight-faced, and with no hint of comedic irony.
That being said, I propose a law that allows children to drop out of anything at any time. If a high school freshman from Arkansas wanted to drop out, let him. If an 11-year old from Idaho wanted to drop out of a moving car, I say so be it. Let him or her drop and let road crew scrape them up. Boom. There’s, like, 5 new jobs I just made. Also, the law will clearly state that when a child drops out of anything, the classic late-90s tune “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor” by Drowning Pool must be played loudly and excessively to highlight how badass they are.
Lastly, I would like to say how proud I am of Detroit for not turning in to a warzone at any point in this past decade. You had every reason, but you didn’t. I can’t believe you guys haven’t invented Robocop yet. I guess we’ll just have to work harder as a country next time to sink you further in to a depression, to the point when creating murderous, un-empathetic kill bots seems like a good idea. I thought we had it this time. Gotta work harder.
Thank, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.