Last week Westboro Baptist Church released a letter claiming Anonymous had targeted them for an attack, because Westboro Baptist Church (henceforth to be referred to as Douche Wads) need to have attention constantly. 4chan has better things to do than actually harass Douche Wads because, let’s face it, even a hobo trying to get an errant pine cone out of his ass has better things to do than worry about Douche Drippings. The fact is Douche Wads is a small fry operation of less than 100 assholes who get attention by being assholes and they thrive on it. Douche Wads are like Glenn Beck on steroids minus the vaguest sense of decorum and propriety. Do they believe the things they say? Who gives a shit?
For those who don’t know, Douche Wads is not a real Baptist Church . It’s about 70 wahoos who really dislike gay people, soldiers, victims of crimes, America, you, the media, rationality, human decency and pop culture. They likely thrive on banjo music, chitlins and lights off incest, because it’s not a sin if Jesus has to squint to see it. Seriously though, if these people aren’t cousin f*ckers I’ll eat my hat. And it’s one of those Russian hats. Douche Wads hate Russians.
Douche Wads have repeatedly been in the news for protesting the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. You might know them by their catchy slogan “God Hates Fags.” They get on the news a lot for two reasons – Anderson Cooper seems to really like making fun of them and because news directors know they’re good for a quick, sensationalistic story. They use the media as the media uses them. Are they aware they’re the butt of a joke? No, they’re too stupid to be aware of such things, they can’t even manage to comprehend the simplest of Bible verses and they base their whole lives around those comical misunderstandings, it’s like an episode of Three’s Company that deals with a stunning amount of intolerance. These people are very likely only peripherally aware of toilet hygiene.
In an effort to once again gain national attention, Douche Wads have called out Anonymous, even going so far as to issue a “bring it on” towards the group best known for hilariously mocking Scientology and occasionally raining internet vigilantism down on unsuspecting ass clowns. Did Anonymous declare war on Douche Wads. No. Holy Taco did.
Have a look at some of Holy Taco’s best articles. 10 Most Worthless College Majors. How to Write a Black Eyed Peas Song. If Movie Posters Were Honest. Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. Those are all assholes things to make articles about. We were slowly, gently, stealthily trying to carve out a niche on the internet as the site run by funny assholes. And then Douche Wads show up and are so much more asshole than we could ever wish to be. Look at this diagram;
Why even try to be an asshole any more? Denis Leary is spinning in his grave and it’s the fault of Douche Wads and their queer “look at me” attention seeking protests.
Listen, Douche Wads – Fred Phelps and your crew of loud mouth miscreants – it’s on. IT’S ON! We’re going to use every weapon in our arsenal to prove we’re bigger assholes than you are. That’s going to be hard because we’re human and people actually care for us and we for them, and we don’t f*ck our relatives and whatnot, plus we’re lazy and often intoxicated and when we wake up in the morning we don’t drink a big glass of horse piss or whatever keeps you people going before running out of the house to protest strangers for no reason but man. Man! We’re going to do something. Something assholish.
Remember this, Westboro Baptist Church – God hates you. And so do we.