Holy Taco’s Horoscope for the New Zodiac

According to astrologers, thanks to the fact our world is all wobbly pop, the sun and stars and all that spacey junk isn’t aligned the way it used to be back when frauds and scam artists originally made up the Zodiac.  And that means modern frauds and scammers have been using faulty pseudo-science this whole time, instead of honest, hardworking pseudo-science like dowsers and pet psychics.

Luckily, we can start over with a new Zodiac, one that even includes a thirteenth sign, the awesomely named Ophiuchus, which hundreds of people have been mispronouncing all over the internet since the news broke.  In light of this crazy astrological shakeup, we had to delve deep into our bag of bullshittery to come up with a brand new horoscope for everyone.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16

You are well-liked by coworkers due to your gullibility and tendency to always flush.  Because you struggle with addiction, you’re also fairly well tolerated by dealers, pimps and hookers, which means you’re well suited to humanitarian pursuits.  Consider a life in social work or politics.

The future looks bright in terms of romance, particularly if you accept a broad definition that includes masturbation.

Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11

As an Aquarius, there’s a good chance you’ve been to prison, which means you’re crafty, but lack skill in executing your plans.  You have a tendency towards paranoia and are convinced friends and family talk about you behind your back.  Generally most people don’t think you’re important enough to talk about, so don’t worry.  Your bisexuality means you’re always welcome at parties.

Pisces: March 11- April 18

Most cat ladies are Pisces, which says something about your potential for a complete mental breakdown later in life.  Don’t worry though, you’ll be pretty confident you’re still sane even after it happens, so it won’t make much of a difference to you.  Other than as it relates to the amount of feces on your carpet.

People rely on Pisces for any number of important tasks such as bathroom attendants and FOX news correspondents.

Aries: April 18- May 13

Aries are full of vim and vigor and often vodka and vice.  The best escorts are Aries though oddly they make terrible street whores – far too yeasty.    There has never been an Aries who managed to finish reading an Ayn Rand book.  Is that related to the previous point?  Hard to say.

If you have ever seen your hopes and dreams shattered in a Ponzi scheme, there was probably an Aries involved.

Taurus: May 13- June 21

The sign of the bull is full of confidence and stubbornness.  The first VD clinic was started by a Taurus.  I wonder what that means.

Gemini: June 21- July 20

The twins are artistic and outgoing.  That’s a nice way of saying swingers and the unemployable.  Geminis excel at any number of activities from antiquing to garage sailing to executive producing popular sitcoms and needle point.  Highly adaptable and willing to roll with the punches, Geminis also make good cuckolds.

Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10

No one likes you.

Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16

Leos are born leaders and performers.  Prominent Leos include J.Lo, Hulk Hogan and Danny Bonaduce, meaning in order to be a talented Leo, you don’t need to strain yourself too hard.  Most white collar criminals are Leos so don’t settle for anything less. You’re charming enough to get away with suggesting a threesome after 3 dates.

Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30

The symbol for Virgo is the virgin, so even the universe is mocking your ability to tap that ass.  Don’t feel bad, it’s written in the stars.  Your attention to detail and penchant for perfection means you’re a bit of an asshole but would make a kick ass librarian, model ship builder or reclusive manifesto-writer.

Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23

Represented by the scales, Libra’s are clearly obsessed with justice, money and trafficking in narcotics.  Why?  Fate, that’s why.  Luckily those three are often bed fellows so a Libra would be well suited to be a lawyer, a philanthropist or the cruel overlord of an opium ring.  Maybe all three if you’re looking to score big in the cosmic lottery.

Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29

The Scorpion is the sinister sign of the Zodiac.  Look at it for God’s sake, it’s a poisonous big, that’s horrible and disgusting, which is how people view you.  Horribly.  And disgustingly.  Like a scorpion, you crawl into people’s cowboy boots and sting them (metaphorically speaking). Because you’re also passive-aggressive.

Most Scorpios are soft spoken and possessing a calm, cool demeanor.  To others this is often interpreted as a sociopathic tendency.  Sex with a Scorpio is like sex with a mattress you found in an alley.

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17

The new symbol on the Zodiac, Ophiuchus is represented by a man wrestling a serpent.  If we need to make a joke about compulsive masturbation here, it is only because this is all so new and you’re not used to it yet. The good news is, because you are under a new sign you will sound interesting and exotic. The bad news those that fall under your sign are boring, uninventive, and often mistaken for mentally retarded.

Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20

A Sagittarius is a philosopher, possessing a questioning disposition and just the right amount of skill at BS to make it seem like you know what you’re talking about when you can barely remember the names of everyone in the room.   People born under this sign are the sorts of people who will clog your toilet at a party and not mention it, then look through your drawers while you’re busy with other guests.