“Everybody Poops” is one of those rare children’s books that can literally talk about shit and get away with it. Just about every attempt since has fallen flat on its dirty, stinky face. Case in point: “The Story of the Little Mole Who Went in Search of Whodunit,” a story whose title takes almost as long to read as the story does.
Who dun what? Well, it appears somebody took a giant dump on poor Mole’s head. Yep, that’s a poop hat he’s sporting. He pooped his head out of his molehill and a giant turd immediately dropped on his noggin. And this is why you never, ever go outside.
Many thanks to the writer for including a section in parentheses explaining that “it” is in fact poop. Because there’s no way we couldn’t have figured that out in half a second, simply by turning the page.
You want mean, Mole? How about Parentheses Author mocking you behind your back, whispering to the reader that he’s blind as fuck and couldn’t see who scatted on him. Nevertheless, Mole sets off to find whoever done #2 on his noggin.
His preferred method of investigation is to confront every animal he finds and simply ask them if they pooped on him. Because that’s something you’d admit to doing. This dove denies that she did it and, to prove it, she shits right in front of Mole to display how her poops look very different from his now-hardened hat.
Notice how she poops on him (in case you missed it, Parentheses Man strikes again to make it 1000% clear) and Mole barely cares. He doesn’t seek revenge on her at all, but rather accepts that she wasn’t the culprit and moves on. So I guess his issue isn’t being shit in, it’s getting shit in his hair? This mole has odd priorities.
Oh, and like the many great children’s books it tries and fails to emulate, Little Mole’s story is told through pure repetition. Mole confronts an animal, they unload right in front of him to prove their shits are different than the one on his head. We get a horse’s goant plop balls –
– a bunny’s dingleberries –
– and a pig’s stinky steamer –
– among others. Because see, this is an educational book, one that teaches kids how every animal poops differently. This should prove useful information on day, in case a random creature dumps on their head too. It could happen, especially if the brat insists on yanking their tail once too often.
Finally, a frustrated mole enlists the help of some flies who were feasting on balls of shit and are therefore experts on the matter. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to work actually, since the flies just gather poop that’s already been pooped and then roll it all up into a big buffet ball. They don’t observe where the poop came from because as long as the poop arrives, they don’t care.
Regardless, these flies are shit savants, who investigate Mole’s hat and immediately declare a dog did it. So Mole tracks down the only dog in the area and, without even confirming the flies’ hypothesis, drops a teeny-weeny deuce on the dog’s head as revenge. And that’s it. The end.
So there you have it. Animals poop, they all make different poops, and if you ever dare take a shit on a mole, he will FUCK UP YOUR LIFE. Well, at least until you knock his little plinker off your head and move on with your day. Luckily, he’ll be too shortsighted to see you do it.