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Holy Taco Bad Book Club: The Tushy Book

Look at that. That’s a real book, published by a real company, and it was designed with children in mind. Not insane sickos who really, really, really like children, but actual children. This is The Tushy Book, and years after learning it exists, I still cant believe it exists.


“I WAS dead, but this is simply too good a case to pass up.” — Freud

Amazingly, despite what 90% of the pictures suggest, The Tushy Book was not published by NAMBLA or NAWGLA, nor is it some random e-book an ass fetishist wrote in his basement, cobbled together with a stained bottle of Elmer’s glue, and then sold exclusively through his Tumblr for a buck. It’s simply a (so, so awkward) celebration of derrieres of all shapes and sizes: young butts, old butts, fat butts, skinny butts, animal butts and, quite often, naked butts. The authors designed The Tushy Book to be an innocent and non-pervy romp, but oh dear God did it not turn out that way.


Good point. Tushy, take me to the bathroom. No, it’s the other end’s turn this time.

If you can suppress your uncomfortable queasiness for a bit, you’ll see that this book actually has education in mind. Readers learn such valuable lessons as: everybody has a butt, butts are awesome, it’s where you put underwear, babies’ butts are “cute but poopy”, elephants also have butts, your butt goes with you when you jump in the air, and it comes back down with you when you fall. That last one’s almost a science lesson!


You’re tushy, it will go full-throttle/when you slip on a baby bottle/Then the dog will run away/lest your tushy crush his bones today

To recap: a major publishing company, one with legitimate authors on its roster, listened to two grown women pitch a plot-less children’s book about how awesome and hilarious butts are, and then proceeded to drown them in dollar bills.

Then, a group of professional editors, who are paid to send shit back if it turns out to be shit, went through the whole damned thing, read couplets like “Every tushy’s in the back! Every tushy has a crack!”, and just about fell over in their chairs from the sheer poetry of it all.


How about, instead of 24-hour ass obsession, you teach your kids how to fix a goddamned sink?

So it’s come to this — you can write a entire book about butts, featuring drawing after drawing of bare child ass, market it to children, and get paid more cash money than should be legal. Education, purpose, humor? Fuck all that — I’m going down this route from now on. Anal fixation can’t promote itself, after all.


You heard the scary book. DO IT.

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