Thomas Bowdler rewrote Shakespeare to better appeal to the sensibilities of the 19th century, which is to say he took out all references to poontang and the shocker. We understand that not everyone likes those things, so we decided to follow his example with one of Youtube’s greatest music videos
You rascal this is the 15th gosh darn time that I have called and left your patootie messages. I have sent text messages to your rather feminine backside and you have not responded to nothing. What the heckles are you doing? Who the fudge are you out there with? Do you think I’m stupid? My friends have informed me that your derrier is up to something tonight. Scallywag, when you get home I shall be having words with you.
(Chorus 2 times)
Why is it you didn’t get home until 5 o clock? I feel insecure and would like to inspect your penis for any discernible odors Please don’t treat me like I am a dunderhead, that’s most unpleasant So what you need to do is let me take a moment to see if your penis seems to have some manner of musky smell on it.
It’s very early in the morning and I’m trying to sleep And it seems, based on anecdotal evidence, you may be some manner of troll or creeper Had you informed me of this I could have made arrangements to be elsewhere And now I’m quite beside myself with the knowledge of your infidelity That was most inconsiderate Plus you don’t return my phone calls, which is frustrating I’m texting you now mister where are you? Yes sir, quite inconsiderate
I’m catching forty winks and you’re frolicking about In some speakeasy with ladies of ill repute My close friend Mildred was present She had a camera phone and captured some most troubling images One depicted you on the dancefloor rubbing your nether regions Against the posterior of some burlesque performer known as Diamond You were engaging in curiously out of place oral hygiene Word has it you were even purchasing her an abundance of beverages Dang it, buddy, you need to be truthful lest anger get the best of me and I have to retrieve my revolver If you would like to engage in carnal relations with someone new, I can understand that but would prefer if you didn’t try to fish in both our ponds in the same evening if you follow my crass metaphor I appreciate that you insist no illicit contact was made between the two of you, but a number of other people assure me you engaged in coitus. Whatever the case, I am not to be trifled with, so let’s just settle this now. Please remove your trousers so that I might partake of your crotchal bouquet.
(Repeat Chorus Twice)
I say, pardon? You wish to sniff at my undercarriage? Let’s ponder this a moment. Under some circumstances, such requests might result in an unforgivable lack of gallantry on the part of my pimp hand. I must confess, I don’t put a lot of stock in the words of your friends and frankly I find them spying on me to be rather offputting in its own right. In fact, I’m somewhat resentful that you would engage in such behavior. I can assure you that I wasn’t engaging in inappropriate behaviors with this Diamond person. Certainly I am something of a rabble-rouser, but it was all in good fun. But you know, this is all well and good. Feel free to believe what you like or what your compatriots have told you, I am the kind of fellow who is quite the social butterfly so I’m bound to be noticed when I am out and about. Indeed, I may spend some time in the company of burlesque performers now and then, but I hardly see how that relates to my groin stank. Honestly, you believe I’ve been defrocking ladies all around town? Pshaw. But, in fairness, I do have enough dickular prowess to do that.