Do you need electro-shock therapy? Have you ever been sitting at a bar, chatting up a hot red head, everything seems to be going your way, then out of nowhere she turns to you and says ”Oh my god, have you been saying those disgusting things to me this whole time?” and she has her boyfriend punch your throat? And then she punches your throat in the spot that was already sore from that guy punching your throat? Few things are more of a downer than that. And if it happens over the span of, say, 25 years, then your downer becomes a permanent sense that your life sucks and it’s hard to swallow due to the constant throat trauma. But what’s an online comedy writer (or you) to do? Wear a throat guard? Try brunettes? Pfft! The answer is to turn that frown upside down via the use of a cranial stimulator.
Actual pic of a red head’s hand before it punched my throat. Hot!
At this point you may be asking yourself what a cranial stimulator is and the answer is a home electro-shock therapy unit, in the simplest of terms. Did you know they make those? They do! And it’s as awesome as it sounds.
Until now we had to survive by using tasers on each other at parties or chewing on frayed wires like cats and vagrants looking for the cheapest of highs. But no longer. And, as an upside, your mental health will improve which is something that can’t generally be said of hobos chewing on the wires behind a Chinese gambling establishment.
Recently, we got in touch with the good people at Fisher Wallace and asked if they could send us a Cranial Stimulator. The device is used to treat depression, anxiety and insomnia, none of which I have but I was willing to get them in order to make them go away for the purposes of this article. But how? Ha ha! Just kidding, of course I’m depressed and anxious, I work on the internet. Still, I though it’d be best to up the ante and try to make myself as depressed, anxious and sleep-deprived as humanly possible, all the while using the Cranial Stimulator. My hypothesis was that, if I overcame all my tests, I would be rendered an emotionless and/or manic superhero, as is my understanding of how superheroes are created. On with the tests!
Initial Test: The box was remarkably small, perhaps because I was expecting some manner of home Tesla coil. Instead I got a pack of little sponges that look like cookies, some electrodes, a wicked awesome headband and the machine itself, which vaguely resembles what you’d expect an iPod designed in 1986 to look like. I had already watched the video on how to not kill yourself with it, so I was pretty confident I was ready to go. Still, one thing was nagging at me – why does the video tell me to never go above setting number 2 when there are clearly 4 settings? Let me make this clear for you – I have a device that sends an electric pulse into my head; it has 4 settings and the manufacturer is insisting I don’t go beyond setting number 2. What’s the difference between the settings? Glad you asked.
Setting 1: Mild tingle at the temples.
Setting 2: The high setting. Flickering in eyes and noticeable zappy feeling in temples.
Setting 3: Not condoned by the manufacturer. At this level you can feel what your hair is doing. Definite electric charge at sides of head now.
Setting 4: There’s a reason they say not to use this.
Secondary Test: I wanted to try the unit out the next day, and also write the sentence “I wanted to try the unit out.” Ha ha…unit. Anyway, just to make sure nothing was wonky, I gave it a spin again, this time keeping it on the settings recommended to me in the Youtube video, because once you feel like your hair is waving at you and your scalp is trying to run off of your skull, shit gets weird. Then, in case maybe my head is particular over or under conductive, I had my roommate try it as well. So officially no one likes setting 4.
Fun side note – no less than 10 people recommended I apply this thing to my testicles. Including my boss. Anyway, on with the testing.
Depression Test: Present Day Carrie Fisher
BONER! Come back little fella!
If you’re a man who has a passing familiarity with boners, you’re aware of Princess Leia in her slave girl costume. It’s not even that Princess Leia was super hot or anything, it’s that she wore a slave girl bikini and existed in a galaxy far, far away when no other women existed until three prequels were made, and then her mom didn’t have the balls to get into a bikini, she just got her outfit torn up by an abysmally designed CG cat. Where were we? Oh yeah, boners.
Nowadays Carrie Fisher looks like Salvador Dali’s take on Sally Jesse Raphael and the only boners in sight are the crazed boners of blind men trapped in asylums who have slave girl Leia memories to keep them warm at night. I sat down to watch some promos for her documentary Wishful Drinking after tying a fishing line to the end of my wang so it wouldn’t recede fully into my abdomen.
Within moments I felt myself spiraling into a well of despair so I clicked on the Fisher Wallace Cranial Stimulator and tried to will the soul-searing panic away. The edges of my vision flickered with either the current or my brain refusing to accept what it was seeing.
20 minutes later I still felt upset but I changed the channel and took the stimulator off. My penis was still intact and, overall, I felt OK. Like I wasn’t weepy. Win? I guess so.
Anxiety Test: Family Christmas Party
I can’t explain why being with my family causes anxiety, it probably has something to do with not liking any of them and being horribly uncomfortable in their presence with the added knowledge that we’re related by blood so somehow we are the same on some level, like if an alien intelligence devoured them and me, it would get some of the same genetic memories from both of us. I don’t like that.
Anyway, shocking everyone including myself, I didn’t whip up an awesome excuse like herpes or prison to get out of the annual yuletide shindig. I did show up with a portable electro-shock unit on my head, however, prompting more than one aunt to label me an “asshole.”
In order to achieve results you’re supposed to use the device for a few weeks so I may have been expecting a bit much to whip this bad boy out after 4 tries to see if it’d get me through an evening with the family, but it was worth a shot. I kept it on two while my uncle shared a story about how this guy at work has a colostomy bag and it broke last week. I kept it on two while my cousin vainly tried to explain why he wasn’t married with kids yet while skillfully dancing around the fact he’s gay and everyone but grandma knows it. It stayed on two while I searched high and low for a drink and managed to find room temperature egg nog, and room temperature cranberry juice. Jesus…
exactly this much booze at the party
This party literally lasted 100 hours. I am fully aware of how to use literally in a sentence and I am fully aware that I arrived at 6:00 and left at about 9:30 but still, I stand by my assessment of time. The Cranial Stimulator turns off after 20 minutes. I was asking a lot of this little machine. Fortunately, however, no one else knew it wasn’t on so I looked mostly unapproachable the entire evening and that meant everyone focused on my closeted gay cousin’s shortcomings and not my own. Anxiety? Not here.
The gist of this device is to help treat what ails you without having to resort to a cocktail of pharmaceuticals that may take you to a place where you actually write articles like this for a living. And really, who isn’t depressed with things like modern day Carrie Fisher, modern day George Lucas and modern day sober women? It’s rough out there but this thing certainly does give you a pleasantly wonky feeling while you use it. Plus, after the Christmas party, not a single night terror. Success!