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Holy Taco Goes To The Playboy Mansion

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Friday night, Spike TV was nice enough to invite us to a party they were throwing at the Playboy Mansion. I decided to do a picture diary of the event.

First we attended the red carpet for their awards show, the Spike TV Guy’s Choice Awards, which airs June 22nd, at 10 p.m. on spike. Yes, I sold out so I could go to the playboy mansion.

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Red carpets suck because celebrities don’t want to talk to you, which I don’t blame them. Everybody who’s asking questions is some dude like this guy, trying to be realllly waaacky! I mean, look at him! He’s so wacky!

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Brendan Fraser passed us up because his publicist deemed us unworthy. Which made me really sad:

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See, very sad.

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Just kidding, I couldn’t give a shit!

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I don’t know who this girl was, but it’s pretty clear that wearing a dress made out of fruit roll-ups doesn’t keep you warm.

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This is a guy I brought to help named Brian. Here he’s trying to interview Hugh Hefner. He asked him “What guys do you admire,” to which Hefner replied, “Everyone I admire is dead.” Then there was a very awkward beat of silence until his publicist came and brushed dandruff off his suit. Being a publicist is an awesome job.

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Gollum thinks he’s really big time now. He only did a couple interviews.

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After the show was over, we got on a shuttle and went to the playboy mansion. This is the front of it. For some reason I felt the need to point at it and say “people have sex here.”

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This is not a playboy bunny, but instead a girl they hire to dance all night. I wanted to point to her vagina and say “People have sex here,” to tie in thematically to the other picture, but I didn’t want to get thrown out before they started passing the tray of chicken fingers, which I heard they were going to.

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This is how much of a nerd/losers we are. Brian said “check it out, my blackberry is on playboy’s wireless network!” and instead of me being like “dude, we’re at the playboy mansion you fucking nerd,” I was like “whoa, that’s cool!” I hope my dad doesn’t read this.

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These are the playmates that they hire to be at the party. While they’re alone like this, they talk about how creepy all the dudes are that are here, then when you come up to them they’re like….

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…Oh my god you are so cute! Of course you can take a picture! Then you walk away and they’re like “ew, he’s disgusting.” In Brian’s defense, when I took a pic with them they talked longer about how disgusting I was. Like, twice as long. In their defense, I agree with them and would do the same.

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This girl’s areola was showing on her right boob, and Brian documented it. He actually showed me the pic, and then like a doctor goes “look at the discoloration. That’s definitely an areola.”

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A little into the party, chicks just get into bikinis and go into the pool for no reason. Then, like that scene in Jurassic park where they hang the beef into the velociraptor cage, there’s silence for a moment, then a sound of wild frenzy, in this case, the sound of douchebags running to the edge of the pool to talk to him. This guy made it their first.

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I was gonna jump in the pool with them….

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…but then I remembered I’m bald and have a bad body.

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Here’s the dude who played McLovin in Superbad. Playmates were alllll over this guy. If you’re not convinced being even a little famous will make chicks do you no matter how much of a weird looking dude you are, study this picture.

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This is the famous grotto. Our friend Matt joined us. Nice fucking sweater-vest, Matt. I think when you buy that outfit, they give you a bottle of roofies. I kid, I kid. I dress like a homeless transsexual, I have no room for jokes.

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I figured I’d created enough mastubatorial scenarios in my head that took place in the grotto, that I should take a picture of me pretending to masturbate while in there. It seemed funny at the time. In retrospect, very sad.

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These two dudes were like “Bro! What up!” So I took their picture. I’m told this is an accurate depiction of what 98% of the guys that attend Playboy Mansion parties look like.

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These girls were like “hey, we’re in the grotto!” Then those dudes in the previous pic were like “Hey us too!” Then these girls were like “Please don’t talk to us.”

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I’m told that window is the window to Hef’s bedroom. Who knows if it is, but even if it isn’t, I’m sure there’s still been hundreds of boobs that have been pushed up against it’s glass.

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Brian started to get drunk, and I couldn’t hear what he said to that dancer behind him, but she didn’t look happy, and then Brian swung around and gave me the double thumbs up, which rarely ever signifies actual victory.

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Matt met a female at the party. I was wondering if Matt found her attractive until he flashed me this look…

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Apparently Matt was not enjoying the company of this woman and had no plans to bed her.

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Don’t be fooled by this picture. Brian and Matt are not posing for the camera, but instead Brian is saying “fuck you,” and giving the double bird to either the dessert cart which had closed for the night, or to a nearby gentleman who had a funny hat. Meanwhile Matt is attempting to find something to steady his balance. Good times.

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At the end of the party, they bring shuttles out front to take you back to your car. They’re kind of like the school busses that transport retarded children. At this point, that was sort of what Matt and Brian had become, so it worked out nicely.

20 Responses to "Holy Taco Goes To The Playboy Mansion"

  1. FrogSoda says:

    wow, that is one ugly bunny in the first picture…. Oh this isn’t a caption contest… opps.

  2. Buddy Ice says:

    Justin, you should have taken a cue from Piven and told the bunnies that you were Dave Attell.

  3. justin says:

    Actually, I think Piven was telling the bunnies HE was Dave Attell. Maybe I could have said I was the kid from american pie and that I had cancer.

  4. Scott says:

    The Gollum caption freaking made my day man.

  5. Sum Ting Wong says:

    Wow youz guyz H4x0red teh PlayboyNET?! All their boobs are belong to you, now!

    OK, seriously though, the “anorexic ginger, and that guy who used to be married to Jessica Simpson in a sweater vest.” line was pretty fucking funny.

    Great story, Justin…looking forward to more hilarity at the expense of chicks with low self-esteem and douchebags with and without Wal*Mart sweater vests.

  6. quick everyone that has a stupid comment raise your hand if you will ever go to the playboy mansion……thank you …..you may resume grand theft auto

  7. Scott says:

    Hmmm… Nice hyperlink attempt there, jack.

  8. Edward says:

    Heff has dandruff? Damn.. that sucks.

  9. KTFO says:

    It wasn’t dandruff it was dried man glaze.

  10. flag says:

    oh just so you know, the fruit roll-ups girl is Meagan Good http://www.chickipedia.com/meagan-good/
    who happens to be one of about 2 black chicks who are actually hot

  11. Futura says:

    Hi everyone. Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience.
    I am from Burma and learning to read in English, tell me right I wrote the following sentence: “Latest notebook entries font news font sightings.Search shareware and freeware downloads.”

    Best regards 8-), Desiderio.

  12. Roger Lodge says:

    Wow! That is one gay sweater vest.

  13. Buddy Ice says:

    No titty shots? You fags.

  14. Twist says:

    Hugh Hefner is that old and still nailing multiple chicks. Damn it.

  15. PlayBoyee says:

    Buddy Ice is a queer. If you really need to see some titties take your shirt off and look in a mirror.

  16. asdf says:

    rofl buddy ice

  17. Franky says:

    lucky bastards. I bet this was the most honest version of a playboy mansion party though

  18. Buddy Ice says:

    I’m a queer? We’re supposed to be at the playboy mansion and all I see is a balding jew, an anorexic ginger, and that guy who used to be married to Jessica Simpson in a sweater vest. If that’s your idea of a party count me out, Boyeeee.

  19. Julia says:

    The sweater-vest was hot. Seriously. I love a nerd with no pride.

  20. justin says:

    Ouch Buddy Ice. My italian ancestors are going to be none too happy that you didn’t include them in your description of me. For the record, I’m a balding HALF Jew, Half Italian. Or half lithuanian if you don’t consider Jews a race and only a religion. And if that was Nick Lachey in the sweater vest, he wouldn’t be posing for pictures with me, he’d be explaining to several playmates who he was so that he could ensure his night would end in sex. That’s what Jeremy Piven was doing there.