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The Holy Taco Guide to Legally Numbing the Pain

Let’s face it, everyone has bad days. Some of us have far more than others. Think of the proctologist. That’s a man who looks at asses all day long. Now you may be an ass person yourself and thinking “that’s not so bad.” But consider this – have you ever gone to the doctor just to let them know how good you’re feeling? No. You go when something is wrong. And you only go to an ass doctor when someone is really wrong. With your ass. So all day, every day, a proctologist has to look at wrong asses. There’s a man who needs to numb his pain. Fortunately for him, he can prescribe narcotics, but what are the rest of us to do? Time to find out.

Booze

Too obvious? Tough, go to a more subtle website. Some of us need booze to shield us from the pain of every day life. Are we supporting irresponsible drinking? Of course not. We’re supporting the hard working men and women of campuses all across this great land who Irish up their Mountain Dew during an exam, or give that wall-eyed girl in Biology a shot at the title after enjoying a few Broken Down Golfcarts, because the rules of modern society are so damn cloying you need to drown them in a socially acceptable level of pickling alcohol, whenever possible.

Cough syrup

Also known as the Hobo’s Choice, any number of fine, over the counter products seem to make a bad night of oozing and hating existence that much better. For unknown reasons, many a man has stood fast and refused to self medicate when sickness reared its ugly head – you all know a guy like that. He’ll tough out ebola if he has to. But why bother? Two tablespoons of that hardcore shit they claim tastes like cherries and you’re hugging your pillow hallucinating about unicorns shitting fire across Newark. And your phlegm will loosen at the same time. Now that’s a fun night.

Pornography

There’s much said about porno in the media and the sad fact is, very little of what is said is “hells yeah, let’s see that in slow motion!” Seriously, Andy Rooney has only said that once, and it was 1984. Rarely do people ever focus on the upside of porno, an upside known all too well by 80% of the internet faring community – it totally fills dull as shit gaps in your day.

If you work online, odds are you can’t conceive of a day without porn. What are you supposed to do, read the news? Play Sudoku? Ugh, the unbearable horror of it all is too much to conceive. Porn is that friend who is always there to say “hey buddy, ever seen a blumpkin?” and put a smile on your face. Or a grimace of terror.

Food

According to the latest stats by the Surgeon General, everyone is obese. I know, right? When did that happen? 2009. It happened in 2009. Now that we’re all outrageous fatties, it’s not hard to see why so many people find comfort in a barrel of chicken. Chicken never says no. Or get a new job. Or why are you so fat. Chicken just dribbles grease down your sweat pants and is content. Bless you, colonel.

Sleep

The Mexican siesta is probably one of the greatest inventions of all time. It’s a government-sanctioned midday nap and it’s glorious. Not a lot of people stop to appreciate how awesome sleep really is, but think about it – it takes no effort, you can do it almost anywhere and you know you’re good at it. You kick ass at it. If there was a competition, you could do it with your hands tied behind your back. And you always feel better after it’s done, something you can’t always say about drinking, eating or even having sex.

5 Responses to "The Holy Taco Guide to Legally Numbing the Pain"

  1. pepe says:

    I’ll get the beers

  2. metalsriks says:

    lol!! great article!! :-D

  3. orifice jerq says:

    i think ‘masturbating’ should have had a category of its own, but i guess it falls under porn

  4. Jack says:

    I love how non-related the “related articles” are.