In the last few years, weight has become a touchy subject. Like sexuality, race and penchant for buggery, it’s a subject that used to be open grounds for mockery but now, as times change, it is not. But unlike race and sexuality which are not choices (go on, make a comment about sexuality being a choice, we’re very concerned with political discourse in our comments section), weight is a mixed bag. And in that bag, for people like Donna Simpson, there’s a crap load of donuts.
Donna wants to become the world’s fattest woman. She doesn’t have a thyroid issue, she doesn’t have a slow metabolism, she just eats several turkeys in a sitting. So while many of us, particularly in the online comedy world, struggle with an addiction to Cheetos and Four Loko, attempting to find the time to eat a carrot or actually walk to the bathroom rather than push our office chair there in the day, Donna is questing to pack on hundreds of pounds so she can score that coveted Guinness title of “Are You F*cking Serious?” also known as world’s fattest woman. She’s doing this on purpose. She even has a website where you can go and watch her eat.
This past Christmas, Donna sat down to a dinner of two turkeys, two hams, 30 potatoes and a host of other mind-boggling treats that could have kept a village in Africa going for a few days. She currently weighs just under 650lbs and is aiming for a cool half a ton. Cool in the metaphorical sense as there’s likely to be a lot of sweat and heavy breathing along the way.
In the past, Holy Taco may have made fun of this woman and her insane, logic-defying plight to become X-Men villain the Blob. But we’re a more sensitive Holy Taco and we want to help Donna, not harm her. But the fact is, Donna sucks at being fat. I know right, who saw that coming? But the truth is just existing when you’re that size actually burns a lot of calories. She probably burned off both those hams just digesting the rest of the meal. In March of this year she weighed 600lbs. That’s only 42lbs weight gain in 9 months, that’s pathetic. At this rate she won’t hit 1,000 pounds until 2025 and she’s obviously going to be dead well before then. With that in mind, Holy Taco is here to assist in maximizing the weight gain with some handy tips honed over years of just sitting at a computer.
• Bread is empty, barely there calories. Replace is with cakes of lard.
• Nutrients gained from fruits and vegetables can be more easily obtained with vitamins that you shove inside bricks of Velveeta.
• Chew bacon in between snacks and at bedtime.
• Pork fat is an acceptable tooth paste.
• Why drink milk when you can drink melted fudge with protein powder mixed in?
• Chewing is probably slowing you down. Think hard about feeding tubes.
• Couldn’t dinner be improved if you topped it with a meat pie? Already eating a meat pie? For a fun change, top it with a meat pie.
• Look at all those tiny, useless holes in cake. Better soak it in bacon fat until it reaches saturation.
• A canned ham is just as effective as a breath mint, plus it leaves your breath hammier.
• As delicious as the filling in a Twinkie is, it’s more delicious if you replace it with sausage meat.
Activity & Lifestyle
• Got a cold? Scratch that itchy throat with a slice of pizza.
• All those trips to the washroom as needlessly burning valuable calories. Invest in bags and an open window from which to toss them.
• Defraud a charitable organization to provide you with a helper monkey. Have the monkey feed you in your sleep.
• Invest in a custom designed mobile platform, something like the Mars Rover, but for your ass, such that you don’t need to get up, or even really sit up, ever again.
• Traditional bathing requires you to move your arms and potentially to stand. A friend wit a power washer will save you energy, plus give you more time to eat.
• Your heavy breathing is going to increase your heart rate and in turn burn more calories. Tent your house and pump in a higher concentration of oxygen to make it easier on you.
• Get a really clever carpenter to redesign your house so everywhere you need to go is down hill.
• Make sure your Fat Rover is reclined at such an angle that food trickles down your ham hole, saving your internal muscles the trouble of having to contract in any way to force the food through.
• Get the helper monkey to massage your stomach vigorously during waking hours to assist in digestion and make more room for deliciousness.
• If you get full, don’t forget that just like a Christmas turkey, you can be stuffed from both ends.
With these few simple changes to your lifestyle, you’ll be packing on a good 10lbs a day, no lie. You can do it, Donna. You can do it.