Holy Taco Helps Drew Brees Name His Baby

As of late, quarterback Drew Brees clearly needs some help on the football field. But the NFL star has recently taken to his Twitter account to ask for help of a different sort. It seems the Superbowl champion is having trouble with the simple task of naming his unborn son.

"We are looking for boy names starting with a “b” that are uncommon. Not in most baby name books. Thanks to all for any ideas”

It’s sad to see a man who once had the heart of a champion reduced to asking strangers for help, but we here at Holy Taco are not above charity, and would like to offer these suggestions to Drew, free of charge.

Barack
It’s a boy’s name, it begins with a “b,” and it belongs to a man who, like Drew, was on top of the world last year, but now can barely hope to win on his home turf.

Bauer
Jack Bauer may be gone, but he will always live on in our memories. And what better way to memorialize this American Patrioit than by naming your son after him. What do you mean, “fictional character?” Piss off.

Bukkake
Bukkake Brees has a nice ring to it. It’s exotic, it’s catchy, and it’s sure to win him friends on the playground. Just don’t let him travel to Japan as an exchange student.

Boba Fett
Not many people are going to pull this name off, but he’ll be an NFL quarterback’s son. Chances are, he’s going to get laid no matter what, so why not dork him up a little?

Butthole
On it’s own, it’s a horrible name. But pair it with Brees, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a fart joke. Plus, it will be a real icebreaker with the ladies.

Bort
Fans of “The Simpsons” will love this name. Other people will probably just look at him like he’s an @sshole. But considering he’s going to grow up a rich, NFL player’s son, that will probably happen anyway.

Brocktoon
Stemming from possibly the greatest SNL sketch of all time, Brocktoon is a name you can be proud of (as long as your son doesn’t start keeping people in a giant jar in your basement or killing people’s house pets).

Beelzebub
Literally translated to “Lord of the Flies,” this name doesn’t get a lot play on account of its association with the devil. You know the devil; he’s the guy you sold your soul to in exchange for beating the Colts last year.

Boner
The world recently lost Boner from “Growing Pains” (a.k.a. Andrew Koenig). But if you pick this name, Boner will live on forever inside your son. Tee-hee.

Bellagio
The name might not have any significance to you, but it’s where I lost all my money when you couldn’t cover the god damn spread against the Vikings last year, you son of a b*tch! Truth be told, I was at Bill’s across the street. The Bellagio wouldn’t let me in because I wasn’t wearing pants.