Holy Taco Hero: A Real Live, Terrifying Mountain Man

If you’re a cabin owner in Utah, your wives are scared for their lives right now. As they should be, and so should you. Why? Because there’s a for real for serious, insane mountain man roaming the wilderness of southern Utah. He sleeps in the woods most of the time, but during the winter, he seeks out vacant cabins and inhabits them.

Everybody’s all in a tizzy because he’s not only breaking into cabins to crash for a night or two, but while he’s there, he’s stealing guns and outdoor equipment, shooting up everything, and occasionally shitting in cookware:

“Some cabins he has left tidy and clean, while others he has practically destroyed, even defecating in one in a pan on the floor.”

That’s the word from this Fox News article, anyway.

He crashes in your cabin, drinks your booze and coffee, poops somewhere, then sprays bullets into your walls and desecrates your Jesus paintings. Sounds like frat boy fun to us. So far, he hasn’t killed anyone, or caused any bodily harm, and hopefully that’s how he’ll continue (otherwise, we’re going to feel really stupid for calling him a hero.)

“The coffee and alcohol the survivalist favors plays into some cabin owners’ assessment that he could be a castaway from the nearby twin towns of Hildale or Colorado City on the Utah-Arizona border. The so-called lost boys are said to be regularly booted from the polygamous sect there by elders looking to increase their marriage opportunities with young women.

Unlike members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which discourages consumption of alcohol and coffee, many of the Mormon fundamentalists imbibe.”

We’re in awe of this guy because he’s living the life so many of us fantasize about when we’re sitting in a pointless meeting, fighting with loved ones, or rotting away in our cubicles. So pretty much, on any given Monday afternoon, you’d swap lives with this psycho renegade if the opportunity arose.

Who wouldn’t want to live like that? Just marching through the woods, fully stocked with weapons and provisions, sleeping in luxury cabins, killing animals and pooping in kitchens. It really sounds like a dream life, if you ask me. Sure, he’s probably celibate, which would be a real downside, but now that this story’s out, that won’t last long. Do you know how many crazy women just started ovulating at the very description of this man’s animalistic actions? Probably two or three.

Read the full article here.