Holy Taco Interviews: Penthouse Pet Ryan Keely

Holy Taco recently learned that there are people who make movies exclusively for adults that feature various methods of love making and a stark lack of clothing. It’s amazing. There are even magazines and websites, too. It’s like discovering there are people living on the other side of the world who speak a crazy different language or whatever.

After spending the last two months thoroughly researching this topic, we decided we needed to talk to one of the wonderful people who make this genre possible; Ryan Keely. She’s a Penthouse Pet who is also a sex educator, a writer, lecturer and all around hot girl who is sometimes undressed and will put up with dumb questions from internet comedy writers. She’s pretty much awesome.

Ryan recently hosted the Porn Star Sex Life seminar and then, sometime afterwards when she literally had nothing better to do, decided to chat with us for a spell. I can’t wait! Let’s look!

Holy Taco: Porn Star Sex Life is a live seminar, does that lead to more or less creepy interaction with fans?

Ryan Keely: My fans are very rarely creepy, and Porn Star Sex Life is a fun, educational workshop where people come to learn. So, not creepy at all.

HT: Have you ever been asked any question you couldn’t or wouldn’t answer?

RK: For my last column I had to research the effects of breast augmentation on breast feeding. Tough questions are great as they push my research in new, unexpected directions. The questions I won’t answer tend to be offensive, poorly thought out or too personal. I don’t like to name names… (Smile)

HT: The event was co-founded by a pick up artist – what do you think of most pick up artists and their techniques? Douchey or not?

RK: There are several different types of pick-up artists teaching a variety of techniques. Up Your Attraction is a great system that doesn’t rely on obnoxious ‘openers’ and ‘sets’. I wouldn’t work with Josh if I didn’t think he has a great system. However there are definitely a lot of pick-up systems that are pure, ineffective BS.

HT: Would the term “sexual retardation” be applicable to internet culture? Define it as you see fit.

RK: As someone that thoroughly enjoys internet culture, I don’t want to call out my own kind (what up fukung!). However, ‘retarded ejaculation’ refers to a condition where men are unable to ejaculate during sex with women because they spend to much time death gripping their own package while jerking off to the internets and can’t come any other way. I’ll call that sexual retardation.

Ed. Note – we have no idea what she means by that. None.

HT: Why do you think people need seminars like these, what are they doing wrong?

RK: Most men don’t know what positions will be most effective with their specific cock size and shape. Very few people are really good at performing cunnilingus. Getting kinky requires basic safety and communication skills. Anal sex is frequently an uncomfortable and dirty (literally) experience. Everyone has areas for improvement, some more that others.

HT: Are there some people who just shouldn’t be having sex?

RK: Pedobear and internet comedy writers.

HT: Further to that last question, why can’t internet comedy writers have sex?

RK: Because they are internet comedy writers.

Ed. Note – Oh.

HT: What’s the worst place to have sex? The best?

RK: This question is very subjective. I think having sex in an airplane bathroom would be a horrible experience. Because I’m claustrophobic and public bathroom germs are disgusting, I will never confirm that suspicion. The best place to have sex is usually in hotel rooms or on an unsuspecting friend’s couch.

HT: Say you’re an internet comedy writer who has too many Fleshlights but you’re looking to get into the world of actual intercourse with non-polymer partners – what’s an adventurous but not too dangerous way to have fun your first time?

RK: I’m only impressed with your Fleshlight collection if you have the Avatar Fleshlight. If you are looking for adventure I would try a handjob from a transsexual prostitute. It’s like having high-risk, kinky sex but in a handjob kinda way.

Ed. Note – Avatar Fleshlight? That article is coming soon.

HT: What do you think of typical men’s magazines? Do they offer good advice? We offer terrible advice, usually.

RK: I think Men’s Fitness has some great writing and their sex tips are fairly spot on. The advice column in Penthouse Forum is full of awesome too… (I write it).

HT: What kid of men are you typically attracted to? Do they write internet comedy ever?

RK: I like funny guys, but I could never do it with an internet comedy writer. They smell weird and look funny.

Ed. Note – …oh.