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Holy Taco Predicts the News for 2011

CRYSTAL BALL

Every year, famed fraud and carrion-eater Sylvia Browne releases a set of predictions for the forth coming year, because she claims to be a psychic and relies on the people who pay her thousands upon thousands of dollars a year to never look back at last year’s predictions and notice how abysmally wrong she was on all counts.  Spoiler alert – she’s generally always wrong on all counts.  Because she’s not psychic.  She’s a fraud.  Who may survive on the tears of the gullible.  And probably a good amount of IHOP from the looks of things.  This is all a tangent, next paragraph.

Holy Taco staffers are as skilled as, if not more skilled than Sylvia, in the art of making up total bullshit.  We don’t get $800 a half hour for phone consultations yet, but that could change.  Especially after these awesome predictions for 2011 pan out.  Get ready for it.

Entertainment

fred astaire

  • Prop comic Carrot Top will finally be revealed to be the funniest thing in the world.
  • Simon Cowell’s titties will blossom to a lovely D cup.
  • Miley Cyrus will do something foolish and be mocked on the internet for it.
  • Jay Leno will tell a joke that makes someone who is neither medicated nor over 60 laugh.  Like, not a good laugh, but there’ll be a noise.
  • Sarah Jessica Parker will make a movie that sucks.
  • Gary Busey will make someone uncomfortable.
  • The Disney Channel will produce a new show that is so mind-numbingly terrible to watch it will actually make you want to put on Two and a Half Men instead.
  • The Academy Awards will continue to bore the shit out of everyone.
  • Chris Rock will tell some jokes about black people.
  • Carlos Mencia will steal the jokes and they’ll make a little less sense.
  • Dane Cook will continue to not even tell jokes.
  • LaToya Jackson and Sammy Hagar will have the ugliest baby you can imagine.
  • Jerry O’Connell will still exist.
  • M Night Shyamalan will announce plans for a movie that’s just as unbearable as his last 6 or so.
  • Nicki Minaj’s ass will eat someone’s arm.

Politics

politics

  • President Obama will become Batman.  In the general ranking of Batmen, he will be above George Clooney but below Adam West.
  • Sarah Palin will not manage to say a single goddamn thing that isn’t stupid.
  • The governor of Arizona will attempt to declare June 2nd “F*ck Off You Dirty Mexicans” day.
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger will reveal his entire term as governor was research for a new buddy comedy with Danny Devito called The Governor and the Trogg.
  • The mayor of a town in South Dakota will make worldwide news when it becomes public that there are people in South Dakota.
  • Bob Dole will host the new Soul Train and it will be the funkiest goddamn thing you ever saw.
  • A new political party will form as an alternative to both the Democrats and Republicans.  It will be called the Same Old Shit party, and will promise to do absolutely nothing new.  People will flock to support them in droves and be only mildly disappointed when they start winning elections and nothing changes.  They will mutter sourly for four years until the next election and then repeat the process with someone else.

Weather

weather

  • There’s going to be a storm some time in May that totally gets your shit all wet.

Science

  • Scientists will invite a dildo that can tell time.  It will be a dildo with a watch around it.  It will not win many awards.
  • A cure for Tourette’s will be found but will be lost when a doctor leaves it in his other pants and the cleaning lady washes it.
  • Life will be discovered.  In South Dakota.
  • Awesome personal jetpacks will finally arrive.  Shortly thereafter, the number of brutal, flaming jetpack explosion deaths will increase by a pretty substantial margin.
  • Norwegians will find a way to create a sandwich that has so much bacon and cheese on it that if you finish it you will have a guaranteed heart attack yet if you don’t finish it, you’re such a pussy.
  • A private space agency will plan a mission to Mars.  When they get there it will be just like the movie Ghosts of Mars, meaning no one will watch it.
  • A new species of monkey will be discovered.  It flings poo like other monkeys, but then afterwards it tells its friends so they can laugh at how you stink like ass.

World Events

world of warcraft

  • The Queen of England will endorse Four Loko as they change try out their new slogan “Get royally shit faced.”
  • Denmark will finally smarten up and just become a suburb of a better country.
  • Canada will declare war on Australia.  The resulting melee will devastate literally tens of lives, mostly beaver and koala.
  • North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il will get a Bieber hair cut and declare that chocolate pudding is an enemy of state, shortly before masturbating onto an atomic warhead.  Yeah, it’s predictable.
  • Russia will become the world leader in exporting not just mail order brides, but mail order douche bags, for those occasions when you need someone around to be an asshole.
  • A new North American currency will be introduced, the Amero.  People will think it’s queer and stick with real money.
  • Canada will formally apologize for Celine Dion, Rush, Brian Adams and Nickelback.
  • Italy will start charging royalties on the Gino stereotype on a sliding scale of how preposterous the stereotype is.  MTV will be forced to shut down production of Jersey Shore.
  • Japan will shock the world by having a day in which no insane new product is developed.
  • Holy Taco will become the most beloved website on the internet, surpassing even sites that offer tips on how to give effective and heartfelt handjobs.



8 Responses to "Holy Taco Predicts the News for 2011"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Simon Cowell’s titties will blossom to a lovely D cup.

    Russia will become the world leader in exporting not just mail order brides, but mail order douche bags, for those occasions when you need someone around to be an asshole.

    xD

  2. BonaFide says:

    Rush is the shit, you’re prediction should read that it will be discovered that they arent a product of canada

  3. your mom says:

    also for weather. new orleans will have another natural disaster