There was that octopus that predicted the winner of the World Cup. There’s a porcupine that predicted the winner of this year’s Super Bowl…and also a gorilla, some orangutans, and cats.
It seems everybody has a precognitive beast that can accurately predict the winners of major sporting events…except us. Holy Taco doesn’t have an animal that can see the future…
(This is when all of you groan with disappointment)
(This is when you all cheer)
That’s right! After some extensive budget talks with our parent company, Break Media, and some groundbreaking scientific research conducted by Break’s secret underground genetic engineering experts, we have developed a new, highly advanced form of Big Game prediction that will prove to be vastly superior to any and all other dumbass creatures that can’t even fathom that complexity of their own existences, let alone that of human competition.
After many months of research, billions of dollars spent, and a 43-second branding meeting, we are now ready and proud to present…
Psychic Dolphin In A Tank With Science-y Crap On Its Head!
Right now some of you may be saying, “But, Lewis, that’s just a picture of the dolphin from the non-classic 1995 Keanu Reeves film Johnny Mnemonic!” To which I respond, “My name’s Luis, not Lewis. F*ck you.”
Using state-of-the-art genetic manipulation and PETA avoidance tactics, we have created a dolphin with the power of the Second Sight. By simply pushing a button (and that running over 100,000 watts of electricity through the dolphin’s brain), the Psychic Dolphin In A Tank With Science-y Crap On Its Head will correctly predict the winner of the Super Bowl.
Ready? Let’s do this.
Here I go…about to press the button…aaaand – OH MY GOD!
There’s something wrong!
The tank is breaking! The dolphin is screaming!
Just hold on, brave psychic dolphin! You can doooooooo iiiiiiiiiit!
No! The dolphin has escaped!
Psychic Dolphin In A Tank With Science-y Crap On Its Head is no longer in the tank. He is…free now.
But how ever will we know who’s going to win the football game?
This is…terrifying. How are we going to know who wins the Super Bowl before the game even starts if an animal doesn’t tell us?
I think – and bear with me, folks – I think I’m going to have to – GULP! – pick the winner…myself! Me, a human, am is going to predict the winner of Super Bowl!
(This is when all of you gasp)
I know. Just like you, I did not come here today prepared to choose one team out of vast collection of two teams…but it seems that I have no other choice…other than those two teams that I just mentioned.
Okay…here we go…turning on the brain machine…thinking about the Super Bowl…Giants…Patriots…sexy cheerleaders – NO! I MUST STAY FOCUSED!
OOOOH, THE PAIN IS ENORMOUS! BUT THE POWER – THE POWER IS…IS…INCREDIBLE!!
Is everyone okay? If your vision went black and white for a second during the explosion, don’t worry; that’s just a side effect of Super Bowl predicting.
I think…I think I know which team is going to win the Super Bowl.
Hm. It’s funny – maybe humans can make wild and completely random guesses about the winner of a sporting event based absolutely nothing?
We’ve learned something today, folks – something about ourselves.
The Giants will win by some total of points that is greater than that of the accumulated point total of the Patriots. Or maybe the Patriots will win. I don’t know. Guessing isn’t an exact science.
Have a good Super Bowl weekend, and may god have mercy on the Japanese fishermen that attempt to kill that psychic dolphin.