Lotta stuff went down this year. Grab a drink and check it out!
Todd Akin Wants No One to Like Him
Remember this guy? He’s the guy who thinks there’s real rape and fake rape and real rape doesn’t lead to pregnancy. It’s speculated he also believes in real assholes and fake assholes, but fake assholes usually keep their jobs in politics.
David Petraeus likes Booty
I think David Petraeus shot Hitler or invented the army or something. Turns out he also digs getting some sweet ass so he made the news for getting some sweet ass. Ass!
Clint Eastwood Loves Chairs
Clint Eastwood is a big star and a Republican so why not get him to speak at a Republican convention? Well, we all know the answer to that question now.
Everyone, Everywhere, is Sick of Everything
Egypt, Libya, Syria, here at home, doesn’t matter really, everyone got sick of the bullshit this year and tried to do something about it, some more than others. Humans will only eat shit for so long before we snap as a whole and then you get to see big, world changing shifts in the way things are done. It’s kind of cool but also a lot of violence comes along with it, so respect people who put their lives on the line for change.
To lighten the mood, here’s a joke about a McRib. Actually nah, you don’t joke about the McRib.
Mitt Romney hates 47% of Us
Mitt Romney was a walking punchline for his whole campaign, from his preposterously named robot sons to his amazing penchant for lying, it’s like he didn’t care about anything. Then it turned out he didn’t care about most things, including people. Atta boy, Mittens.
This shitty hurricane really wonked up New York and surrounding areas, which aren’t really used to dealing with hurricanes at all. Fortunately giant sodas were not in the area and no one got too many calories from sugar as a result.
There May Have Been Olympics
The Summer Olympics happened but mostly all I remember is that one Aussie girl who bounces a lot. God bless the athletic prowess of hot girls.
Facebook is Not Worth Money
Facebook went public and was valued at one hundred dillion dollars. You literally need all the pants in the world to carry all the money Facebook was valued at. Then everyone realized Facebook is ridiculous and not actually worth anything to anyone and its stock has since been steadily declining.
Get Yourself Gay Married
Are you a dude? Do you like that other dude? Mary that dude. Lesbians? You have at it, also.
Red Bull Jumped from Space
Everyone remembers where they were the day Red Bull went into space and pushed a man to the ground. I was in the bathroom at Chili’s teaching everyone a powerful lesson in respect.
There was a Pussy Riot
Russia is 100% the craziest country in the world and that includes Japan, just because Japan is all future + porn while Russia is past + poverty + war machine + stray dogs + porn + Putin + organized crime + dash cams + batshit insanity. So when a band called Pussy Riot makes waves and gets put in prison we all read about it because we want to get to the paragraph in which Vladimir Putin, whilst riding a bear, fought them all whilst topless. Because if it did happen, would it really be a surprise?
We Fought SOPA
SOPA was the government trying to stop you from having porn and hilarious t shirt websites, I think. I forget, it was last January. But the point is, thanks to Holy Taco, and maybe some other websites, we stopped that shit cold. Dead.
Jessica Biel Snubs me, as Do Susan Sarandon and Many Others
Jessica Biel got married this year to Justin Timberlake. And why? Because he’s handsome? A nice guy? Charming? Multi-talented? She’s met him? What the shit is this? And while I’m on the subject I’d like an explanation as to why Susan Sarandon, Jessica Vaugn, 80’s singer Tiffany, Kim Kardashian, Shania Twain, Katey Sagal, the majority of the Suicide Girls, Lolo Jones, Serena Williams, Sofia Vergara, Julieanne Moore, Charisma Carpenter, Mila Kunis, Joanna Angel, Emma Stone, Scarlett Johansson, Aubrey Plaza, Kat Dennings, Amy Schumer, April Hunter, Sarah Silverman, Gianna Michaels, Eliza Dushku, Kate Upton and Christina Hendricks are not having sandwiches with me either.
Apple Thinks it Invented Everything
Over the last year Apple sued Samsung and also anyone who has ever looked at a phone without paying Apple for it. Apple currently lives in a world where they believe they own the rights to everything your eyes and fingers can do with or in the same room as an electronic device.
IPhone 5 is Just a Phone
On a related note, the iPhone 5 is the same phone as the iPhone 4 which is the same phone every other company makes because it’s a phone. If minor tweaks in phone functionality give you a boner then you’re an awful person. Hang up, no one really wants to talk to you anyway.
Hulk Hogan likes Booty
The Hulkster banged some chick while another dude watched. Then we all watched and felt bad because it was pretty unglamorous for sex. Oh well.
The World Didn’t End
It didn’t. Because if everything morons believed in came to pass we’d all be living under the rule of Sylvia Brown while Bigfoot, aliens and Scientology chased us around our living rooms.