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Holy Taco’s Earth Porn Vacation Guide

Planning a vacation?  Me neither but man do I want one.  Most vacations are tragically disappointing with skuzzy hotels and Montezuma’s Revenge and women in bars who can’t speak the language well enough to verbally abuse you the way you like.  Not to mention the high price of trashy souvenirs.  No, there are better vacations out there, vacations that are made solely by the location itself, the awesome beauty of a landscape with you in it.  Just being there would kick ass, who cares if you end up with malaria later on.  In light of that, here’s some places in which I’d like to just get naked and frolic.

Costa Rica

Good Lord, just look at that.  Waterfall in a serene, tropical setting.  There are monkeys and sloths nearby, maybe the odd poisonous toad,  fried plantains and seaside BBQs with turtles and shit?  I would haunt these woods and destroy anyone who dared intrude on my paradise.

White Island

I can’t imagine anything that happens here being anything but awesome.  Look at it.  This is where millionaires breed dinosaurs.  This is where time cannot compete with space and a relic of forever ago surrounds you with big, insane volcanic walls.  This would be an awesome place to get drunk and nude, maybe with a friend.

Krka National Park

Who knew anything in Croatia looked so awesome?  This is the kind of place you go to when you want to leave society and become a hermit. This is what makes you turn your back on Kardashians and Starbucks.  This is nature’s boner.

Shipwreck Beach

There’s a shipwreck, a isolated beach and water as blue as some shit that’s really blue.  This is the kind of beach James Bond does ladies on.  This is where you drink out of coconuts and stop giving shits about anything that requires no shits be given.

Vietnam

There’s something very unique about exotic locations in Asia that you can’t find in a tropical location. Something in the stone, I think.  Hard to put your finger on, but I’d totally drink Japanese beer on a boat around here and never answer my phone because phones are a burden we we willingly put upon ourselves for no good reason.  I hate the phone.

Jasper National Park

This is a place where I’d like to disrobe and rage at the heavens and hunt my meals through the woods an swim and dance by fires and not care about the foolishness of man ever again.

Chile

This is a volcanic crater in Chile, a fine place to teach nature who’s boss.  That is all.

Thailand

This place doesn’t look real, which is a quality I enjoy in my vacation spots.  This is a place the world could end and you’d never know or care.  This is a place where miracles and nightmares occur and only one set of eyes ever enjoys or fears them.  I would so get drunk here.

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