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Holy Taco’s Guide To Improving Your Online Dating Profile (For Guys)

Holy Taco always has your back. You know that, right? Well, listen. Online dating is kind of the “thing” now so you better know how to use it properly. Obviously, since this website is littered with boobs and tazer videos, this guide is going to be directed at the fellas. As a guy, on an internet dating site, you’re pretty well outnumbered. It’s a virtual sausage party, sorry. So that means you need to make sure you’re presenting yourself well and sending a clear message. Let us show you how.

The two really important parts are the profile pic and the “About Me” section, so we’ll keep it short and stick to those.

Profile Pictures

Here’s the obvious – use something current, fatso. I don’t care if you gained weight. The visual of your Kurt Cobain hair falling over the collar of your flannel shirt is a dead give away that your picture was taken in high school. Also, make sure you haven’t obviously cropped out an ex-girlfriend. Seeing dainty hand with painted nails peaking over from around your shoulder is pretty apparent. Avoid problems later. Use a pic with just you in it. But for the love of Cupid, DON’T DO IT IN A MIRROR.

Cropped Out Ex

"Who, her? That's nobody."

Speaking for myself here, but I like to really separate the weak ones from the bunch. My seed is precious, and I don’t have time to waste, so I went with something a little more polarizing:

Neti Pot

Would ya?

The “About Me” Section

Here’s where you’re going to want to grab a ladies attention. Which means you’re probably going to have to lie.

Start off with a solid excuse as to why you’ve turned to online dating, everyone’s got one. You need to let the world know the reason you can’t meet women in public, but you can’t just come out and say it’s because your’e an anti-social weirdo with overactive sweat glands. Try something like this:

“Well, I’m here, LOL! So hard to get out and about when you’re taking care of a retarded six year old (my nephew, not mine!) He requires a lot of love and cleaning! But family is important to me…”

Or maybe something that really highlights your imaginary work ethic, like this:

“Well, I’m here, LOL! So hard to get out and about when you’re running a huge company. It wouldn’t take up so much of my time if I didn’t feel so passionate about it. If you were wondering, it’s a company that saves kids while maintaining a low carbon footprint.”

Or you could always lie about your financial situation:

“Well, I’m here, LOL! So hard to get out and about when you keep tripping and falling over piles of your own cash!”

And, again, if you’re like me and like to take a more honest approach that’ll really test a gal’s mettle, you can say something like this:

“Well, I’m here, obviously. Hard to get out and about when you don’t have money for gas or a metro card. I don’t want kids.”

In Conclusion

Wrap it up with something nice. Make your job sound better than it is, and don’t say anything off-putting or divulge too much personal information. Nobody needs to know about the family history that left you scarred and unable to maintain a healthy relationship. Those are the kinds of things your partner needs to find out when it’s too late.

Have fun out there!

11 Responses to "Holy Taco’s Guide To Improving Your Online Dating Profile (For Guys)"

  1. Al Frank says:

    Excellent! Especially the last line!

  2. DonkeyXote says:

    Now I know why I haven’t scored any tail lately. Dang it!