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Holy Taco’s Guide To The U.S. Government Shutdown

So, in case you haven’t heard, the U.S. Government may be shutting down on Saturday because they can’t get together on how they’re going to poorly spend our tax money. I know a government shutdown sounds like an awesome thing, because you’re probably all like “Sweet. Anarchy!” But it’s not like that. You have to make sure you maintain your composure, and don’t do anything too stupid.

Remember when you were in school, and your teacher didn’t show up, so you ended up with a substitute, or they sent you to some study hall for a period or two? Well, the government shut down is nothing like that. We’re not getting a substitute government and we’re not going to have to temporarily move to a new plot of land. This will continue, pretty much like normal, except a bunch of stuff that’s funded by the government will be closed. Basically, it’ll give you a chance to figure out wether or not you really need National Parks, or the Food and Drug Administration.

A few things to remember about the upcoming potential shutdown:

1. Anarchy Is Not Going To Rule

When you were younger, anarchy may have seemed like a great idea, but it’s really a bad one. If you’ve ever lived in a house with a disproportionate number of college-aged guys, girls, and bathrooms you’ll know what I’m talking about. Eight people in the same space with different ideas about everything is like a microcosm of a government-free world. It’ll be fun at first, and we’ll have some wicked parties, but eventually it’s going to start to smell like old cigarettes and latex farts.

2. Don’t Forget to Pay Your Taxes

Taxes are still due April 15th. That means you still only have a few days left to figure out how you’re going to write off eighty-four visits to a strip club as a business expense.

3. Don’t Skip Work

Everyone wants a snow day, it’s human nature. But we all have to do our part and not be total dickholes if things get real crazy. That means you have to show up to work and go on about your business. No looting, no pillaging and no backyard sacrifices. This isn’t Lord of the Flies, and it’s not the end of days. Whatever food and weapons you have stashed in a bunker can stay there, psycho.

4. Don’t Disregard Traffic Signals

One of my first thoughts when I heard Uncle Sam was taking a vacay was “I’m going to drive around Manhattan like I’m in a GTA game! This is going to rule!” Let’s remember that traffic signals are there for a reason. They’re provided for public safety and order. They are not a representation of oppression, dude.

5. Don’t Bother Asking That Girl Out

I repeat, this is not armageddon. It’s not your “last chance to make something of yourself.” It’s just a bit of a hiccup. The government shut down isn’t going to get you pity laid, so don’t bother.

So, there you have it. If this annoying event comes through on Saturday, you have all the information and insight you need to not look like a complete asshole. You’re welcome.

3 Responses to "Holy Taco’s Guide To The U.S. Government Shutdown"

  1. bad acid trip says:

    eh, I’ll still some anarchy stuff


    at least i won’t have to visit my PO.. now i can get baked.


    at least i won’t have to visit my PO- now i can get baked