Explore Holy Taco

Holy Taco’s Suggestions For Solving For The U.S. Debt Crisis

Well, the U.S. economic crisis has hit another pile of road apples. This time, they’re arguing over whether or not to raise the debt ceiling. If we did raise it, it’d be like raising your credit card limit — it gives you some breathing room, but ultimately, you’re still in a pickle. If we don’t raise it, we risk throwing the rest of the world into mild economic turmoil, at least until the rest of the world gives up on us.

What I’m saying is, either way, if we don’t start bringing in more money, and spending less money, we’re screwed. Now, there are a lot of ways to cut corners and bring in a few extra dollars. I know because I’ve been in this position a million times (seven in the last year alone.) and I see my personal economic situation as a microcosm of the current U.S. economic situation. I assume that if Congress would take some responsibility for itself, it could benefit from the same cost-cutting, income-generating methods that I’ve used to keep myself afloat for so long. Uncle Sam, I hope you read HolyTaco.com.

Pawn Your Guitars

I know it’s probably going to be tough, but out of 535 members, some of you have to own some sweet vintage wood. Pawn your axe and buy it back when we’re out of the red.

Get A Roommate

I’ve seen the capitol building. It’s huge. Throw an ad up on craigslist, screen a few worthy folks and get a few extra dollars in every month. Sharing amenities will be an adjustment at first, but as long as you all maintain a decent level of respect for one another, things will be fine.

Cash In Your Loose Change

Please don’t pretend, members of Congress, that you are above keeping a coin jar like the rest of America. Those things fill up before you know it! When they do, take them to the treasury and cash them in. There’s 535 of you, and you could probably do it once a month.

Selling Plasma/Sperm/Eggs

Seriously, who wouldn’t want the platelets of a congress member flowing through their blood stream? And congressional sperm? Forget it. You’d make a killing!

Kickstarter

Hipsters and well-off young people do it all the time. You ask your rich friends for a few bucks, and before you know it, you’ve bailed yourself out of a jam using a completely safe and modern method — crowdsourcing.

Temping

You’ve all got great executive skills, you know how to act in a corporate environment and you have the free time. Hit up a temp agency, get your resumes in and pick up a few hours answering phones or filing records. It’s painless, I promise.

Stealing Leftovers From Parties

This is a great way to eat on a budget. I know there’s dinner parties in D.C. all the time. Nobody eats everything, so that food goes to waste. Try cutting back on your grocery purchases and wrapping up a few salmon goat cheese crostinis and taking them home with you. You can also pour leftover wine into a travel thermos.

Start Riding A Bike

Not sure if you’ve driven lately, but gas is super expensive and apparently we’re running out of it. Do what I did through most of college and ride your bike everywhere. Oh sure, it’ll seriously cut back on the amount of attention you receive from the opposite sex, and you’re constantly subject to ridicule by drivers, but we all have to make sacrifices when times are as tough as these.

 

4 Responses to "Holy Taco’s Suggestions For Solving For The U.S. Debt Crisis"

  1. bad acid trip says:

    I have a suggestion: Let citizens kill criminals. All the criminals are hand-cuffed in the yard, and for fifty bucks, you can rent a nailbat and run around the yard for twenty minutes, swinging to your heart’s content! I’d pay fifty bucks for that!

    • DonkeyXote says:

      I’d pay $100 to get a go at you for being an ignorant fuck. In fact, I’d hire a nurse to give you the necessary blood transfusions to keep you alive so I can keep beating the living shit out of you, then chop you up in tiny little dog treats. xD

  2. debt wall says:

    Congress needs to read your post before they vote on raising the debt ceiling. They definitely need to learn how to save money and not spend it on unnecessary items.

  3. witness says:

    Put Vivian Mamelack up as a HO on a trapeze – that’d bring in the cash.