We’re pretty into conspiracy theories. We’re not experts, but we used to watch X-Files
sometimes, we constantly have the Unsolved Mysteries
theme song stuck in our head, and we remember liking the movie Conspiracy Theory
, which was about conspiracy theories. This is why we became very interested in this recent story
about the disappearing boat that’s been in the news. You may have already heard about this Russian cargo ship that mysteriously disappeared in European waters. If you haven’t, here’s a quick synopsis, as we understand it:
A few weeks ago, a Russian cargo ship carrying “lumber” left from Finland, on it’s way to Algeria. The ship was flying under a Maltese flag, for some reason. Anyway, the ship left port in Northern Europe and traveled along one of the busiest and most frequent cargo ship trade routes in the world. Some pirates seized the boat off the coast of Sweden, which is unprecedented (pirates don’t work in European waters, because they’re so heavily policed. That would be like robbing a convenience store that’s located inside of a police station). The crew was severely beaten, gagged, and restrained, and the ship was seen performing “extreme maneuvers”, whatever that means. Later, the pirates apparently left the ship, empty-handed. Shortly after that, a second group of pirates (also in European waters) seized the ship, and the vessel vanished from the radar. The Russian military, meanwhile, had ordered all of their naval forces in the Atlantic Ocean to participate in the search for the cargo ship, and they also authorized the use of force to regain control of the vessel. Nobody knew the whereabouts of the ship for days until very recently, when it was apparently found near the island of Cape Verde, off the coast of West Africa, leaving the rest of the world with only one question:
On a scale of things that are f*cking weird, we would rank this story somewhere between finding out that Mario Lopez is your biological father, and that Riding the Bus With My Sister movie, where Rosie O’Donnell plays a retarded person who yells everything she says, because that’s what she thinks retarded people do.
We can all agree that the ship wasn’t just carrying lumber, though. Two separate teams of pirates don’t venture into incredibly dangerous waters just because they need some firewood. That’s like going to Compton because gas is two cents cheaper there. Russia doesn’t dedicate its entire Atlantic fleet to finding and reclaiming some 2×4′s. That’s like amputating an arm because you got a little bit of crap on your finger from not wiping properly. So what exactly is going on here? What was on that ship, who wanted it, and where is it now? We’ve got a few ideas:
THE ‘DRUGS’ THEORY
One of the theories that’s floating around right now is that maybe there were drugs on the boat. This is a pretty basic assumption, and it’s a little too pedestrian for our tastes. That’s like if somebody tells you their cat’s missing, and you go, “did you check his litter box?” It’s almost so basic that it’s insulting. It’s possible that there were tons of drugs on this boat, but it would have to be a helluvalot of drugs for two separate bands of pirates to venture into Europe to get it. It doesn’t seem worth it. That would be like deciding to make a sequel to Rosie O’Donnell’s television movie Riding the Bus With My Sister, and casting Rosie as the retarded woman. Again.
It’s just stupid and nonsensical, and if there’s one thing that we know about modern-day pirates, it’s that they’re not stupid and nonsensical. Are they heroin addicts, thieves, and murderers? Yes, but they’re also cold, calculated, and resourceful. It doesn’t make any sense for them to travel so far into such dangerous waters for something that they could likely obtain through other sources anyway. The drug explanation is just too boring for the theatrics that we’ve witnessed thus far with the story. We have a feeling that, much like that suspicious “pimple” on your girlfriend’s vagina, the truth is much more devious.
THE ‘NUKES’ THEORY
If you’re a pirate, there’s one thing that you’d willingly travel into police-infested waters to steal: a sex robot that’s so realistic, you can’t possibly tell that it’s not a real woman. Since that doesn’t exist (yet), there must be something else that would lure the pirates to European waters in such a hurry. What could it be, you ask? Two words: Nuclear F*cking Weapons. Some people have postulated that perhaps Russia had sold some nukes to Algeria (where the ship was headed), and that those nukes were being transported in the “lumber” ship. At first, this theory seems plausible. Russia has nukes. Algeria is so rich from oil money that it’s making it rain on Morocco’s face, like, every night, so they could totally buy some nukes if they wanted to. Also, Vladimir Putin is definitely not above selling nukes. Just look at him. Does he look like a beacon of moral and geopolitical fortitude?
This guy would sell his mother’s wooden leg for a blowjob if given the chance (we’re just assuming that his mom has a wooden leg, and that blowjobs are fairly cheap in Russia). Larger questions still remain, though: why the f*ck would they transport a nuke by boat? And what’s with the sense of urgency? Why couldn’t the pirates simply have waited until the ship got closer to Algeria, and further away from the heavily pig-infested European waters? And why didn’t Putin do something about those saggy man-tits before he got photographed prancing around on his steed? The nuke theory is a definite possibility, but it still doesn’t seem to live up to all the mystery and intrigue surrounding this story. It’s possible, and maybe even likely, that the truth is even more bizarre.
THE ‘JAMES BONDIAN SECRET WEAPON’ THEORY
The motivation behind this theory stems solely from the fact that both Putin and the President of Algeria look a lot like Bond villains, as you can clearly see from the images above. Like we said, we only dabble in conspiracy theories, but we definitely know what a villain looks like. It’s safe to assume that there was something special on that boat. It could’ve been a nuke. It could’ve been drugs. It could also have been some sort of top-secret weapon, like a weather-changing device, or a machine that instantly makes your genitals explode, or some kind of Tesla Death Ray or something.
Y’know, stuff that exists exclusively in over-the-top action movies, or in actual recorded history, but a really long time ago, so it doesn’t even seem like it was real. There’s probably a million different awesome, James Bond-ish devices that are equally feasible, but ultimately it doesn’t matter. What’s important is that somebody, most likely a band of ambitious pirates, could’ve stolen something really cool and dangerous off of that boat, and either they still have it, or they’re blackmailing Russia with it as you’re reading this. There aren’t that many people that can say they ever had Russia by the balls, so that’s pretty badass.
Within the last couple of days, the Russian government has announced that it found the boat. There’s no news as to the fate of the crew, who hi-jacked the ship, what their motivation was, if there was any ransom,…nothing. No information, other than, "We found the ship that you’ve all been talking about, so you can stop talking about it now." Freakin’ Russians and their secrets, right?!
We may never know the actual truth behind the Russian cargo ship and the events of the past few weeks, but if it was a nuke or an awesome James Bond Villain weapon of some sort, we’ll probably find out about it soon. For example, if a group of pirates announces next month that they have a laser gun that can blow up an entire city from half way across the world, then it’s probably safe to say that they stole it from this boat. Of course, it’s possible that they could’ve just really needed some lumber, too.