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Holy Taco’s Top 9 Most Attainable Women of 2011

America Ferarra

Our friends over at askmen.com recently published their “Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2011 List” — a list of hot, famous women for your to spend your precious time drooling over. Women that will never even “accidentally” end up sleeping with you. But your friends here at Holy Taco want you to stop drooling and start setting your sights a lot lower. We want you to stop window shopping at Macy’s and start making purchases at Kmart, if you know what I mean. What I mean is, here’s a list of women you could probably actually end up with, and not just stare at (America Ferrara not included.)

That girl that works at the 7-11 by your house

If she’s over 25 and working the overnight shift, she’s not going anywhere too soon, trust us. If you’re tall, really thin, have neck tattoos and can’t really grow a beard, all you’ll have to do is ask. If you don’t fit that description, just set up a quick hoax where your friend tries to rob the store and you stop him. Girls like this love heroes because they don’t know who their fathers are.

Hot Trash

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That girl from the head shop

This one’s another easy get, but only if you can brave wearing tie-dye in public, and if you have the money for Phish tickets. And as a “well-traveled” man, let me give you a word of caution: Her blonde dreads and anti-bra stance may get your eyes going, but brace yourself. Carefree and liberal can often translate to Deodorant-free and unwashed.

Blonde Hot Hippie

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That girl from the coffee shop

This will require several weeks of preparation and a pretending to like chai lattes, so be prepared. Every time you walk into the coffee shop, you run the risk that your lady of choice isn’t working, but play it cool and keep showing up. It’s just a numbers game.

Cute Starbucks Barista

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That girl from your temp job

Please notice I specifically said “temp” job. This is only easy to do if you’re working in a short time frame. You’re the new guy, the temp, the hired gun, the lone typer. Grab her interest and keep it. She’ll think it’s totally ok to let you “dip your pen in the company ink” because you won’t be working their long. High five, dirtbag!

Peggy From Mad Men

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That girl who’s really into vampires

Foreign territory for a lot of us, but I have to imagine that if you brood enough and stay out of the sun you’ll eventually catch the fancy of some gaunt introvert or the desperate spinster. Just tell her you’re on Team Edward.

Scary Twilight Fan

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That girl who hates your ex-girlfriend

This requires having an ex-girlfriend and a having contact with a girl who hates her. Just mention that you it would really piss your ex off if the two of you hooked up. It’s dirty pool, but it can literally be that easy.

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That competitive girl who’s friend kind of likes you

Preying on the competitiveness of pretty girls isn’t exactly a classy move, but sometimes it works.

Mean Girls

That Drunk Girl

I’m not talking passed out drunk. Please don’t do that. Yes, girls who have passed out drunk are attainable, but they’re off limits. I’m talking about the one’s who are just drunk enough to take you home. Put your bar time in. Stay until closing, don’t get wasted and make an attempt at being interesting. If it’s winter, be aware, when the two of you walk outside, you’re done for if the cold air sobers her up.

Drunk Girl

(This one's too drunk, but you get the point.)

3 Responses to "Holy Taco’s Top 9 Most Attainable Women of 2011"

  1. whatever - who cares says:

    FOOEIIIIRST!!!!! America Ferrara is soooo fucking cute!! I’d eat the corn out of her shit. Yeee dats rite, bitches. I’m back and better than ever. lulz

  2. Wilford Brimley's Monkey says:

    be sure not to actually pretend to be a coffee snob with the girl working at the coffee shop. most of them loathe their work.