Holiday movies are consistently filled with Christmas
imagery, uplifting stories, and hot babes
. You have to be careful though, because the babes in holiday movies always have some faults. We’ve outlined the pros and cons of some of the hottest holiday movie chicks, and you can decide for yourself whether you’d fill their stocking with your candy cane, or a big, nasty, steamy lump of man-coal.
The Lingerie/Pool Girl, from Christmas Vacation
played by Nicolette Scorsese
She’s a super-hot model that appears in your backyard wearing only a swimsuit
and beckoning you to her, regardless of the time of day or the temperature outside.
She’s a figment of your imagination that will inevitably be interrupted by a small child that you’ll have to hide your boner from, and there’s nothing more awkward than having to hide a boner from a child. Especially an ugly one.
Jovie, from Elf
played by Zooey Deschanel
She’s super-cute and into weird guys
. Also, she works a minimum wage job in a department store
where she has to take showers because her apartment has no water. That means that she’s gonna be pretty easy to impress. As an added bonus, there’s also a guarantee that, while you’re at work at some point, she’s going to be naked somewhere (hint: she’ll probably be in or near the shower).
She’s really, really poor, so you’re going to have to pay for everything. That means that, instead of buying 4 McRibs for dinner every day, you’re going to have to start buying 8 of them. That can add up after a while. Combine that with the fact that she became romantically interested in an adult elf who, for all she knew, was clinically insane, and you’re dealing with a chick who might get a little weird somewhere down the road.
Clarice the Girl Reindeer, from Rudolph
played by A Hunk of Clay
She’s the hottest chick in (reindeer) school, and she’s surprisingly down-to-earth in spite of it. Also, she acts like kind of a smalltown girl, and those chicks are impressed by pretty much anything you bring to the table.
Even if she wasn’t composed entirely of clay and fuzz, she’d still be an animal, and ability-to-speak or not, boning animals is both gross and wrong, unless it was an accident and you didn’t even know it was happening until you woke up and realized that you’d accidentally gotten peanut butter all over your balls and then the dog licked it off while you were napping on the couch. If that happened, then you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, so everyone can just stop giving you shit about it, okay?!
The Ghost of Christmas Present, from Scrooged
played by Carol Kane
She may not be very hot, but she has magical powers and she dresses like a slut. You’d hook up with an ugly slutty chick, so an ugly slut with magical powers is gonna be way better than that.
She’s a ghost, so that’s a little weird. Also, every time you screwed up, she’d make you re-live that moment over and over again until you learned some lesson from your mistake, unlike a normal chick who would just be angry at you and deny you sex but never tell you why.
The Leg Lamp, from A Christmas Story
played by Itself
It’s clearly sexy, it’s foreign, and based on the fishnet stockings, it’s probably a slut. It’s completely incapable of nagging you with talk of its annoying co-workers or its period, and if you do get angry and break it, an exact copy is readily available and can arrive in 5-7 business days. Also, it’s really easy to get it turned on. Get it? It’s a lamp joke.
Whenever you think of Paul McCartney, you remember the fact that he dated a one-legged chick for a long time. You then immediately start wondering what it was like to have sex with an amputee, and while you might think it would be intriguing for a while, ultimately you end up thinking that it would be weird and kinda gross. Now imagine having sex with the only part of that chick that wasn’t there: just a leg. Gross.