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How About We Let Dogs Do Whatever The Hell They Want?

The other day I took my dog to the dog park, to let him run around.  About five minutes into it, a weiner dog came up and started sniffing my dog’s asshole. 
Now, my dog’s pretty large, about 110 lbs, which was unfortunate for the weiner dog because my dog didn’t notice it was sniffing his butt, and squatted to take a shit.  The weiner dog wasn’t fast enough to scoot out from under my dog’s squatting ass, so it was pinned in between my dog’s asshole and the ground. 
Then my dog shit all over the weiner dog’s back. 
And not just a little bit of shit, this was straight up Japanese porno style; a flood of shit covering the weiner dog like an out of control soft serve ice cream machine. 

Now, this is not something you see every day, so I started laughing, until suddenly I heard a woman screaming like she just witnessed Osama Bin Laden molesting 400 nine year olds.  Turns out she was the weiner dog’s owner.  And she was not happy. 
So, she runs up to me, and is like “What the hell are you doing?!  You’re letting your dog go to the bathroom on top of my dog?!  Is that what you train him to do?!”  First of all, if I could train him to do that, I wouldn’t be writing this blog, I’d be traveling the country, going from town to town with my dog, having him shit on the backs of other dogs, because I swear to you now, that show would pack the seats every night.
Secondly, her dog chose to shove HIS nose into my dog’s asshole and I’m guessing he knows what comes out of assholes, and thus realized that, and decided the risk-reward for shoving his face into it was worth it.  Anyway, the woman got pissed off and took her dog and left.  But this whole ordeal got me to thinking.  It seems like every where you turn these days people are expecting dogs to act like human beings.  We have entire shows dedicated to forcing dogs to NOT act like dogs and call them shit like "The Dog Whisperer."
I can understand if your dog is attacking other dogs or people, but aside from that, remember this; we’re the ones who decided to own them.  They’re not like babies.  You didn’t get drunk one night and bang some chick and the next morning she’s like “I think you’re getting a dog.”  So, if we’re the ones choosing to have them, then we shouldn’t get to completely cramp their fuggin style.  If they want to eat shit, let them eat shit.  Sure it’s gross, but I’m sure you’ve let someone you know eat Arby’s before, and you didn’t knock their roast beef sandwich out of their hand and go “NO!  Nooooooo.” 
If they want to pull hard while they’re walking, then guess what, that’s a pretty good sign that they got some shit that’s important to them, that they want to check out.  Let them check it out.  And finally, if they want to sniff another dog’s asshole, well then, they know the consequences. 

27 Responses to "How About We Let Dogs Do Whatever The Hell They Want?"

  1. Anonymous says:

    This is the fist taco post I’ve read that actually made me laugh out loud… Nice work!

  2. Jan says:

    Hahaha, proper LOLs through out this one!

  3. DENVER FTW!! says:

    I have a 120 pound do thats not allowed at dog parks because she likes to eat other dogs. She’s good with people though.

  4. TrillVille says:

    Keep it up, man. This is the funnies one I’ve read so far here.

  5. Casual Optimistic Guy says:

    …BECAUSE ITS YOUR DOG! get it?

  6. DavieBoy says:

    This post was indeed hilarious, I chortled heartily. More of this immediately !

  7. Danielle says:

    Haha, that was the best blog post I have read yet. And on a side note, I love the name but then again my dog is named Taco.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Wasn’t sure where this article was heading but went straight to hilarious and great photos for visuals!

  9. Pierre says:

    it’s dogs’. Not dog’s.

    I just came.

  10. Anonymous says:

    weiner dog and ass sniffing shouldn’t be thought of at the same time…makes for a shitty visual.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Fuckin’ hell man.. I was reading this while sitting across my boss, you have no fucking clue how hard it is to hold in laughter when your job depends on it. I almost broke down in tears.

  12. Nic says:

    This story will haunt my dreams especially the face of the old dude from that Japanese porno cover

  13. Cory Jones says:

    Ah, yes. Back when Holy Taco was actually a humor site. I miss those days.

  14. God's left nut says:


  15. C. Norris says:

    Thank you, Taco. This is the first story that wasnt a Taco filled with shit in a long while. And it was a story about shit. And I think that IS the shit.

  16. Random Asshole says:

    Where do I buy tickets for the travelling dogshit show?

  17. RoboPanda says:

    And let the dog have the damn cupcake!

  18. Penis says:

    I defecated all over Matt Markham’s back once.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Funniest thing I’ve read in a while…JC man…it’s a frickin dog! They eat poop. That lady undoubtedly has one of those “my dog is smarter than your honor student” bumper stickers. Which is doubly dumb…because bumper stickers are dumb, and dogs are not smarter than people. It’s science. And I know dumb means you can’t speak, but I’m using it for emphasis and irony. Because dogs are dumb. But they bark totally too much.

  20. Greenman says:

    Your best friend and brother sniff each other’s assholes???

  21. Dom says:

    I just got a wiener dog 2 weeks ago and it looks exactly like the picture you have. My best friend bought his brother, they play all the time and sniff each other’s asses. I thought to myself what would it be like if one shat on the other. This blog couldn’t have come at a better time.

  22. uglysexy says:

    shit happens….hey is that the japanese don knotts on that magazine cover??


  23. Sickpigs.com says:

    You should have offered to sniff the wiener dog owner’s butt. She would have said no, but she would have respected your honesty.


  24. Anonymous says:

    I’ve never laughed so hard to an article on the internet before in my life. this is classic

  25. Fallen85 says:

    This is the first time that I have laughed out loud repeatedly for long periods of time while reading a Holy Taco article.

    LOL, my good sir, LOL.

  26. Mr. B says:

    How DARE you bad mouth Arby’s. You see that Big Montana photo you posted Holy Taco? Do you see it? Take a good look. Because that’s what all the Mormons are eating in Telestial heaven mother fuckers. You can’t fuck with a half-pound of roast beef cut so thin that the resultant yummy ions blow your fucking mind. Bitches.

  27. Jimbo says:

    LOL!!!!!!! Well played my good man. The WTF alarm went off as I read the original post as well.

    This should be the post of the week, month, maybe the whole year. It is reminiscent of one of the better lines in Happy Gilmore: