The World Cup started a few hours ago with its first game (match?), Mexico v. South Africa. Two goals were scored, and no one won. Now that’s excitement. But boring sports aside, the World Cup is a massive television event. One game (match?) is the equivalent of, like 8 Super Bowls…or so we assume. We really don’t know how many people are watching. Like most Americans, we think soccer is a sport for little girls, and a sport where the mothers of these little girls can get a little tipsy as they flirt with the father of the opposing team’s goalie.
Regardless, the sport is huge all over the world, and there’s no doubt that millions will be tuning in for the next however long it takes for it all to finish. This means that all of the world’s biggest brand names will be buying up commercial time to shovel their fancy new crap in your face. If you’ve been watching the World Cup broadcasts this morning, you’ve been privy to the marketing tactic that all of the big companies have employed thus far: tying their product in to the World Cup itself.
Seeing as this is the first day of the global festivities, we’re going to help out all of the big companies out there that are scrambling to toss together some kind of World Cup themed commercial.
Fast Food Companies
The fast food industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. So it goes without saying that they’re going to want to get in on some of the action. The best thing for you, fast food companies, to do is grab a random soccer
player, shove a hamburger in his hand, and have him kick a ball around for 30 seconds in the way that no soccer player would. Cell Phone Companies
The big thing with cell phones right now is video connectivity. If you’re a cell phone company trying to get some World Cup airtime, why not attempt to convince people that they shouldn’t be watching the World Cup on their fancy-ass 50-inch HDTV’s, but rather, their 4-inch wide cell phone screens? Watching the game on TV already feels like watching a colony of ants trying to figure out a place to sit down a crumb of cheese – so why not make the game feel like you’re watching your Farmville characters run from a fire?
Feminine Hygiene Products
There are tons of female soccer fans out there that aren’t concerned with fancy gadgets and toys. These ladies want to learn all about what brand of douche a guy kicking a black-and-white ball would recommend. To reach this audience, douche bag companies should reach out to the international sex symbol that is David Beckham
, and let the world’s women know that David douches himself after every game in order to rid his vagina of all the mold and mildew accumulated after running around a grassy field for 3 hours. “I feel more confident during press conferences knowing that my vag doesn’t smell like a rhino’s ass!” Nebulous Concepts
Whenever these big, global sporting events go down, there’s always one company out there that doesn’t want to necessarily sell you a product as much as they want to sell you an intangible idea, like world peace or tolerance. While the intentions are noble, and the production values top-notch, everyone knows that if this major corporation had its way, it would make sure its logo were tattooed on everyone’s forearm, along with a barcode that’s scanned every 7 minutes by floating robotic drones to make sure you’re not fraternizing with any “unwanted elements of society.”
Wrapping the World Cup in to this tactic is so easy, it basically writes itself. All you’ve got to do is wave some flags, and show some people of different colors from all over the world playing the one sport that unifies us all…unless you’re an American, who thinks soccer is the bastard child of Olympic sprinting and playground-style kickball. Like us.