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How To: Argue Like a Girl

If you’re a lazy boyfriend, then there’s a good chance you’re two things: happy, and frequently arguing with your girlfriend.  There’s no way you’ll ever win any of those arguments against your bat-shit crazy girlfriend by using normal human logic.  If you want to emerge victorious in your next spat, you’re going to have to argue like a girl.  Here’s how to do it:
Talk Non-Stop
The reason girls win so many arguments is because they’re generally doing all the talking. You’re usually sitting there silently trying to remember what baseball game is on in an hour, or if you washed your balls in the shower this morning. Next time you fight, try stringing 10 sentences together of whatever nonsense comes into your head. This will distract her, and a distracted woman is a disadvantaged one:
You: I’d like to tell you how this makes me feel.
Girlfriend: How what makes you feel?! You’re the one that completely forgot Valentine’s Day!
You: [Girlfriend's Name], you’re not listening to me. This really hurts me. Every time you try to talk to me about something, I feel like you’re attacking me. It’s making me hurt inside. I’m trying to express it to you, but I don’t know if you’re listening. It’s hard for me to feel these things sometimes. I feel like you’re not listening, and attacking. Just attacking and doing a lot of not listening. Are you listening to me? I feel like you don’t hear me. Please, just listen!
Work Up Some Salty Discharge

You know the drill: Just when you start winning an argument, your girlfriend starts the waterworks. This usually makes you feel bad, and then you just let her win. This time, pull out your own bag of saline tricks. If you’re not sure you’re capable of expressing any emotion, try this method: Start concentrating on something very sad (a puppy with cancer, your penis falling off, the NBA going on strike, etc.), and think about having gonorrhea all over your body…and diarrhea all over your gonorrhea. If that doesn’t get the tears flowing, just say you’re going to the bathroom and then quickly watch the scene in Top Gun where Goose dies. 
Threaten to Take Sex Away

Girls think they’re so clever. They know we want sex, and they know that if they threaten to take it away we’ll come to our senses and stop arguing with them.  It takes brass balls to make this one work, so get yours out of the closet and dust them off. If she even remotely thinks you’re bluffing, you’ll be the only one touching your penis for awhile.  And that’s it. Whether you’re arguing about who’s turn it is to take out the trash or why you can’t look into her eyes during sex, these helpful tips will make sure you come out on top when you bicker with your better half.
Relate the Argument to a Traumatic Childhood Experience
Maybe your Mom didn’t breast-feed you. Maybe your Dad tried to breast-feed you too much. Whatever it is, dig up any past situation that has no bearing on your current argument and use it as your stealthy rogue.  This will confuse and disorient your opponent, and it’ll generate additional sympathy and guilt that will solidify your victory.
Girlfriend: Were you just checking out that girl?!
You: Wow. I’m really hurt that you would think that. This just really makes me feel like that time my mom forgot that I was in the car at the K-Mart parking lot. I waited for almost 45 minutes until she came out. I felt so horrible…I just felt wrong, like nobody wanted me. Do you even love me?  
Reverse Psychology
We all know you’ve f*cked up plenty of times with girls. You’ve stayed out too late, missed a birthday or anniversary, or accidentally called her mom a Mexican whore. But what about the one time she screwed up? She might have accidentally forgotten to drop your work shirts off at the cleaners. She might have been 10 minutes late to Wolfman, forcing you to sit in the first aisle of the theater. She might have had an abortion that she never got over. Whatever it is, it had a profound effect on you. Feel free to bring this up when there’s an empty moment in the conversation.

30 Responses to "How To: Argue Like a Girl"

  1. ShitZoo says:

    I like mute women

  2. Super student says:

    This will never work. She probably will think you’re a sissy and dump your sorry ass.

  3. fiona says:

    Oh my, that will never work guys. Nice try but we know when you try to pull the covers over our eyes…. good luck though :-)

  4. DonkeyXote says:

    “But what about the one time she screwed up?”

    Ha! In our relationship she’s the one usually screwing up things and I always end up carrying the can!! And let’s not talk about “silent treatment”, that shit is a double-edged sword.

    You just can’t argue with chicks, and you certainly can’t argue like them.

  5. Anonymussy says:

    Which is why you’ve chosen to bail on the whole straight thing and committed to the whole ass pirate, cock sucking thing.

  6. Anonymussy says:

    Trust me I know, I used to be in your shoes with my long-term boyfriend Alejandro, until things started going sour and now I’ve decided to simply bail out and instead I have sex with animals. It’s a little something experts call Zoophilia and I’m HOOKED!

  7. Anonymussy says:

    Nice try Donkey. These never ending ramblings and some random reference to some random psychiatric classifications is your style. You ramble on trying to make a funny but once again you FAIL. Fail, fail, fail you homo. Once again, you are not funny

  8. phil officer says:

    it’s, “pull the wool over our eyes.”

    now make me a sandwich.

  9. Anonymussy says:

    I take back what I just said!! just bear with me guys, a multiple personality disorder isn’t something to take lightly and I’m struggling to come to grips with it, ok??

    I’m sorry DonkeyXote if at some point my alter-ego has offended you, I am however seeking psychiatric help me keep this under my hat.

  10. Anonymussy says:

    failed again donkey. Go back to sucking cock. I’m sure your dad is looking for you.

  11. DonkeyXote's Dad says:

    Yup, I need him to finish cleaning out my asshole.

  12. he man says:

    hey people i just wanted to let you all know that i am no longer a loser, as i have 3 hot girls chasin me as of today, not even fuckin kidding. sorry i just had to get that out in the open somewhere carry on lolz

  13. thorsteele says:

    Why do men love women with raspy voices? Because the men think that they are almost done yelling!

  14. skeletor says:

    fuck you heman

  15. Evil Kind of Kat says:

    Hang in there man.

  16. Evil Kind of Kat says:

    Glad to hear your no longer a loser. lolz. like, totes mcgoats brah.

  17. derka says:

    This article has been stolen and re-copyrighted without attribution…see thefreaksquad.com/freakythoughts…

  18. Dawg says:

    lol I thought she was talking about a dutch oven.

  19. dickwad says:

    Being first is ultra gay!

  20. Anonymussy says:

    Will you cum in my pubes!!

  21. Ivan says:

    I don’t think the NBA going on strike would be sad at all… I understand that’s an example but that sport blows. Yea, they had the highest attended All-Star game this past weekend but what else was going on in Dallas? NOTHING.

  22. MrKillson says:

    It would just mean a lot of unemployed niggers, so it’d be like the rest of the country.

  23. Ivan's Boyfriend says:

    My dick in Ivan’s ass was definitely taking place in Dallas this past weekend.

  24. nickmare says:

    “or accidentally called her mom a Mexican whore”

  25. office jerk says:

    I can vouch for the salty discharge (your mom! loloz).

    but you don’t even have to cry. women expect men to react with anger and aggressiveness when arguing. if you act vulnerable and hurt instead, it’s like you’re shoving an emotional tap right into their uterus and the motherly instincts start flowing. The trick is to challenge them go on the attack, and then when they do, you back off and they fall right in.

    Her: You didn’t do the dishes again. How many times have we talked about this, i do everything around the house and you just sit on your fat ass and watch TV.

    You: I’m the one bringing home the bills, when i come home from work, unlike some people who can’t finish their RN degree in 6 years!

    Her: You bastard,

    You: *puppy eyes* *voice cracking* Do you really mean that? You’re using those words to hurt! *sob* I don’t even know what to say anymore.

    Her: Awww hunny! I don’t even know what we’re fighting about, here let me give you a blowjob and then i’ll make you some apple pie after i do the dishes.

    careful at the stage where you’re trying to rile her up though, it might backfire and SHE goes to the puppy eye stage first, then you lose and have to do the dishes and make her apple pie. but forget about the sex part.

  26. Evil Kind of Kat says:

    funniest part of the article. great writing.

  27. Jim Woods says:

    Wow, you have to admit thats pretty funyn dude!


  28. Philedelphia Colins and Sons says:

    Ba Ba Ba Baaaaaammmmmmmmm!!!!!!

  29. Ivan's dad says:

    This is a disgusting display of high ranking fagotry.

  30. Ivan's Mom says:

    Almost as disgusting as the time I banged my son in the ass with a strap on in front of his dad