If you’re a lazy boyfriend, then there’s a good chance you’re two things: happy, and frequently arguing with your girlfriend
. There’s no way you’ll ever win any of those arguments
against your bat-shit crazy girlfriend by using normal human logic. If you want to emerge victorious in your next spat, you’re going to have to argue like a girl. Here’s how to do it:
The reason girls win so many arguments is because they’re generally doing all the talking. You’re usually sitting there silently trying to remember what baseball game is on in an hour, or if you washed your balls in the shower this morning. Next time you fight, try stringing 10 sentences together of whatever nonsense comes into your head. This will distract her, and a distracted woman is a disadvantaged one:
You: I’d like to tell you how this makes me feel.
Girlfriend: How what makes you feel?! You’re the one that completely forgot Valentine’s Day!
You: [Girlfriend's Name], you’re not listening to me. This really hurts me. Every time you try to talk to me about something, I feel like you’re attacking me. It’s making me hurt inside. I’m trying to express it to you, but I don’t know if you’re listening. It’s hard for me to feel these things sometimes. I feel like you’re not listening, and attacking. Just attacking and doing a lot of not listening. Are you listening to me? I feel like you don’t hear me. Please, just listen!
Work Up Some Salty Discharge
You know the drill: Just when you start winning an argument, your girlfriend starts the waterworks. This usually makes you feel bad, and then you just let her win. This time, pull out your own bag of saline tricks. If you’re not sure you’re capable of expressing any emotion, try this method: Start concentrating on something very sad (a puppy with cancer, your penis falling off, the NBA going on strike, etc.), and think about having gonorrhea all over your body…and diarrhea all over your gonorrhea. If that doesn’t get the tears flowing, just say you’re going to the bathroom and then quickly watch the scene in Top Gun where Goose dies.
Threaten to Take Sex Away
Girls think they’re so clever. They know we want sex, and they know that if they threaten to take it away we’ll come to our senses and stop arguing with them. It takes brass balls to make this one work, so get yours out of the closet and dust them off. If she even remotely thinks you’re bluffing, you’ll be the only one touching your penis for awhile. And that’s it. Whether you’re arguing about who’s turn it is to take out the trash or why you can’t look into her eyes during sex, these helpful tips will make sure you come out on top when you bicker with your better half.
Relate the Argument to a Traumatic Childhood Experience
Maybe your Mom didn’t breast-feed you. Maybe your Dad tried to breast-feed you too much. Whatever it is, dig up any past situation that has no bearing on your current argument and use it as your stealthy rogue. This will confuse and disorient your opponent, and it’ll generate additional sympathy and guilt that will solidify your victory.
Girlfriend: Were you just checking out that girl?!
You: Wow. I’m really hurt that you would think that. This just really makes me feel like that time my mom forgot that I was in the car at the K-Mart parking lot. I waited for almost 45 minutes until she came out. I felt so horrible…I just felt wrong, like nobody wanted me. Do you even love me?
We all know you’ve f*cked up plenty of times with girls. You’ve stayed out too late, missed a birthday or anniversary, or accidentally called her mom a Mexican whore. But what about the one time she screwed up? She might have accidentally forgotten to drop your work shirts off at the cleaners. She might have been 10 minutes late to Wolfman, forcing you to sit in the first aisle of the theater. She might have had an abortion that she never got over. Whatever it is, it had a profound effect on you. Feel free to bring this up when there’s an empty moment in the conversation.