EDITOR'S NOTE: Our comment section is often times funnier than the articles we write, so every once in a while, we're gonna give one of you the chance to write a holy taco column. This column was written by reader Buddy Ice.
While we should all be enjoying the holidays; weeklong breaks from school, and free days off of work; we shouldn’t forget what this season is really about. It’s about buying shit, and buying shit cheap. But since that’s the plan for you and every other consumerist doing their American-born-duty, your Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa shopping is going to be a similar experience to a herd of water buffalo stampeding across the Serengeti to their favorite water hole; except you’ll be stampeding through aisle 3 to get shoes with wheels in the heels.
So if you ever find yourself working at Wal-Mart, trapped in a human wave consisting of hordes of crazed shoppers, high on mistletoe and egg-nog, crashing trough the doors of a Wal-Mart like it’s the beaches of Indochina, here’s a couple things that you can do.
1. Remember the game ‘Snake’ you played on your cell-phone? Remember when you made too many right turns and ended up crashing into the middle of your own body? Well that meant game over for you, but for a stampeding herd, that’s game over for them. Cowboys use this tactic by getting out in front of the pack and directing the stampede into itself. Bewildered, the out of control animals would usually stop the rampage when they came face to face with their own kind.
2. Second plan of action: get the herd to stampede themselves into an open space, i.e. a parking lot. Giving the large, sweaty, parka laden mob some breathing room will allow them to dissipate and calm the hell down. However, your goal is to shop, not wait outside in the cold until the fire department arrives, to only allow a handful of people in at a time so as not to exceed maximum occupancy; because of this, this plan might not be the best one for your objective ... which is buying shit.
These are the tips, follow them and you might survive long enough to see Dick Clark mumble his way through another New Year’s Eve.
Don’t follow them and you might get trampled to death by the stampeding horde of shoppers who, when dazed and confused by the hypnotizing cocktail of Christmas lights, “30% Off” signs, and Chipmunks’ Christmas Carols, take on very similar characteristics to the rampaging beasts of the animal kingdom.
So Merry Christmas, or Hanukkah, and remember to hop on your Wii-Fit to get in shape for this shopping season.
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