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How To Be A Homemade Superhero

 
Kick Ass comes out in theaters today, and we’re very excited about it. In fact, our anticipation got us thinking about what it takes for a normal person to become a real live caped crusader. Here are 5 things you’ll need to become a homemade superhero:
 
Step 1: Free Time
 
Free time is essential to becoming a superhero. You’re going to need plenty of time, not only for fighting crime, but for research, planning, and healing. That doesn’t really leave a lot of time for outside distractions like work, family, and friends (aside from a trusty butler or a sidekick).  It’s not all bad news though; the loner lifestyle will ultimately make you a much better superhero. Remember: if you don’t have anyone to love, the enemy has no one to hurt!
 
How to Succeed: Unemployment is the best option. If you have a job, don’t just quit, though. Getting laid off is the preferred method of job loss among aspiring vigilantes, because you can still collect money. Another option is an on-the-job injury which results in workman’s compensation. Play it smart, though, and keep the injury minor. You don’t need to go all Christopher Reeves with it and end up crapping in a bag for the rest of your life.
 
Step 2: Disposable Income
 
You’ll need a decent amount of money to devote to training, suit repairs, transportation, weapons, and plenty of other superhero-related expenses that will add up quickly. Unfortunately, your vigilante crimefighting career probably won’t pay very well (at least not at first), but you don’t have to be Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark to defend justice.
 
How to Succeed: Focus on fighting crime within your means. If your unemployment check only leaves you with $50 a month in extra spending money, you probably shouldn’t try to build an electromagnetic suit of armor to help you battle bad guys. Luckily, superheroes come in all shapes and sizes. A skilled crimefighter wearing jeans and a hoodie can be just as effective as an ex-marine in a biomechanical battle suit, and it’ll be a lot easier for you to hop into the 7-11 afterwards for a slushee and a post-crimefighting dump.
 
Step 3: Special Abilities
 

Obviously, you’re going to need some special abilities or talents to aide you in your crimefighting endeavors. There are two directions you can take when it comes to special abilities: physical, or technical. If you’re more interested in hand-to-hand combat action, then you’ll want to go the physical route. The technical route will be less focused on physical fighting ability (although it’s a good idea to have some of that, too) and more focused on finding clever mechanical ways to beat your opponents rather than trying to overpower them with sheer physical strength and agility.
 
How to Succeed: Watch as many Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, and Van Damme movies as you possibly can, and try to imitate everything that you see.  This kind of research also helps when it comes time for a badass tagline after you’ve finished off the bad guy. For the technically-inclined superheroes, just read a shit load of Popular Mechanics and Guns & Ammo magazines. That should do the trick.
 
Step 4: An Awesome Costume
 
This is the most important aspect of being a superhero, because it will completely dictate your public image. If you design some shitty, arts-and-crafts looking piece of garbage costume, then people will never respect you as a beacon of hope, or fear you as an ultimate weapon against crime. There are six main elements to address when constructing your superhero suit:
 
 
Mask: This will not only illustrate your hero angle. It will also protect your secret identity.
Utility Belt: This will allow you to carry multiple handy items and weapons. Also, it will really tie your costume together.
Cape: Universally recognized as the accessory of superheroes, your cape will let innocent bystanders know that you’re one of the good guys.
Sturdy but Comfortable Boots: It’s important to be comfortable and agile when fighting crime, and a shitty pair of boots will ruin your game completely.
Body Armor: To protect against weapons, especially guns.
Badass Insignia: This symbol defines you as a hero, and it’s what the newspapers will use when they talk about your heroic, albeit minor, feats of danger.
 
How to Succeed: Either learn how to sew, or befriend your local tailor, blacksmith, cape store owner, boot salesman, and insignia designer.
 
Step 5: An Enemy
 
Without enemies, you’d have nobody to fight against. You’d just be the creepy who runs around at night in a motorcycle helmet weilding a samurai sword. Luckily, the world is full of shitty, terrible people to protect society from. Unlike the enemies in comic books and movies, most of your enemies will be lower-level petty thiefs and burglars. If you’re lucky, you might get an occasional rapist or kidnapper, but for the most part you’ll spend your night chasing purse-snatchers and people breaking into cars, and that’s perfectly alright. Those petty thieves might not be planning to gas the entire city or blow up a children’s hospital, but they’re definitely a thorn in everyone’s side, and your efforts to combat them will be appreciated.
 
How to Succeed: Batman had the right idea: you don’t need to fight every criminal in the city, you just need to instill the fear that each of those criminals might have to fight you if they commit a crime, and that you’ll undoubtedly kick their ass. Of course, you’ll have to do a good amount of bad guy ass-whooping to establish this street cred, but once you’re reputation is firm you can sit back and let fear do most of the work. Sure, you’ll have to kick some ass every now and then, but so did Bruce Wayne, and he still had time to date beautiful women every night, run a multi-million dollar corporation, and build a whole Bat Cave in his basement, so you can expect your workload to decrease sufficiently once the bad guys start to fear you. Good luck!
 

11 Responses to "How To Be A Homemade Superhero"

  1. Romes says:

    OMG First!!! Look Im a Trool too.

  2. Romes says:

    I meant Troll… huh its not as much fun as i thought it would be.

  3. Ben Affleck says:

    I kind of think you need a getaway also. Even if you thwart a crime, you’re probably going to be questioned if the police manage to get there while you’re still around.
    Go ahead and tell them you’re a superhero, give them your bad ass super hero name, and even a spotlight with your insignia and see if they accept that. Chances are, you will be taken in as a suspect. Almost a solid guarantee you’ll be beaten.

    Believe me, I tried. I used to be known as “Honeybee – Defender of Justice” but nobody would surrender to my citizen’s arrests so I gave up.

    My slogan was “Honeybee, the best of the best. You step out of line I’ll pull a citizen’s arrest! UH!”

  4. Ben Sucks says:

    Maybe it should be
    “Honeybee…King of the block, If you don’t stop, I won’t suck your cock. If I catch you in a drunking stupor, I’ll pull down your pants and fuck you in the pooper!”

  5. Ben Sucks says:

    “drunken stupor”

  6. Ben Affleck says:

    Anything would have been better than what I had, apparently.

    Course, I did have a massive 3 foot black dildo hanging out of my ass when I was on patrol…

  7. pratik says:

    My favorite citizen hero was this dude in one of the Batman cartoons.

    His name was the Condiment King and he squirted hot sauce and stuff in peoples’ faces and mouths. Batman just punched him in the gut and told him to go home.

  8. DonkeyXote says:

    My tranny mom squirts “hot sauce and stuff” in my mouth all the time, if you know what I mean…

  9. DonkeyXote's Dad says:

    I know what you mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aint it grand to be in the Xote family?!?!?!

  10. jethro says:

    what if we roll around in radioactive waste? that works too right?

  11. inspired says:

    making the costume is half the fun