We’re in the thick of summer and that means it’s party time. You better be in the bag, at poolside with an awesome 80’s soundtrack blaring as you try to pretend your dead boss is still alive while you read this. Partay!
If you want to be the biggest party animal at this shindig, and you do, then you need to pull out all the stops and follow our handy guide. Because if you don’t, brother, you might end up being a square. Man, f*ck that.
History tells us that the fatter you are the more awesome you are. Look at the fatties through the ages – Churchill, Mussolini, Farley, Belushi, Buddha – all huge and all awesome, except for maybe Mussolini. But dude could probably rock a pizza party on those trains that were on time.
A fat guy in a Hawaiian shirt takes a pool party from a dull as grandma’s wake affair to a raucous all nighter full of gratuitous cleavage and maybe even a donkey. You may not get laid but there’s a god chance you’ll have the wittiest comment when you get caught by campus police during a panty raid, and possibly you’ll have the most memorable dance scene.
No one parties like the comically oppressed. Probably we should stress that comical part – if you’re actually living under an oppressive dictatorship somewhere in the world you may be shot for trying to party too hard. Kudos for having access to the internet and visiting our site, however.
If you’re hilariously oppressed, and by that we mean if you’re a nerd, then you know what it’s like when the man keeps you down. The man is probably a jock, or a preppy guy, or maybe even the snooty faculty types. You have a pocket protector and your intact virginity. And when you finally reach the boiling point after your fraternity house has been strewn with feces from the school mascot Mr. Jingles, you will have to fight back in the most epic way possible and that means having an awesome party by the quad or at your uncle’s wicked-cool pirate themed bar and invite everyone on campus to watch you play electric violin!
Be Devoid of Humanity
Do you have morals? Tact? Decency? Inhibitions? Cast them off or face a life full of euchre tournaments and finger sandwiches. Movies tell us that the best parties achieve their legendary status thanks to the involvement of the kinds of people the media would describe as monsters. Who else would even think of ejaculating in someone’s beer, or forcing a man in his 90’s to KY wrestle with naked ladies? Only the truly soulless know how to have fun like that, the rest of us stop to think about bullshit like mortality rates and disease vectors.
Use Super Powers
This may be a bit of a special scenario, but the fact remains if you yourself are a super powered model or you have the ability to make one using a 1980’s computer, some Playboys and a Barbie doll, then it’s your responsibility to not only turn Bill Paxton into a talking booger heap, you need to get Michael Berryman at your party and make sure there’s gratuitous tits that actually seem oddly out of place since everyone in the cast is like 16 or something.
Once all that’s taken care of, you could revisit that donkey we mentioned earlier. You don’t need super powers for that, but still, it really livened up that bachelor party for Tom Hanks back in the day.
Have No Sense of Self Preservation
Far be it form us to espouse an unhealthy lifestyle or anything bordering on irresponsibility, but let’s just say we did live in a fictional world full of college hijinks and nameless women eager to remove their tops, the one rule we’d have to live by in order to ensure maximum partification at any given moment would be “never give a rat’s ass.” And that applies to all things at all times. Should you, realistically, drink 80 ounces of anything in a night? No. But if you want to be a party animal you need to have that kind of disdain for your liver. You have to hate that liver and think “Hey liver, remember that time we went to Branson and we were in that one washroom and that old man asked if we had the time and then – F*CK YOU, LIVER! TRY TO SURVIVE THIS TSUNAMI OF KAHLUA!”
For a fun twist, you can also apply this in a totally sober way as it relates to authority figures. Why respect a police officer when you can burn him with an hilarious witticism and then speed away with a convertible full of functionally retarded lingerie models? Or maybe you can set the Dean’s office on fire and scar his secretary horribly, that’ll teach him to be such a wet blanket!