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How to Be a Weatlhy Beggar

hobo

Terribly exciting news out of England, apparently some beggars are fakes. Who saw that coming? Aside from everyone, we mean, since people have been doing it in North America for decades. Yep, turns out people who aren’t homeless are out there pretending to be homeless so they can sort of just sit on their ass and get paid. It’s like being in the government, without the accountability when you get caught giving rest stop handjobs.

Word has it in the UK some beggars are pulling in about $40k a year. In Oregon they’ve been caught making $300a day. Do you know what we have to do to make $300 in a day? For our interns, it’s whatever you tell them to do. For the rest of us it involves a lot of tarps and single tourists.

 

Anyway, seeing as the begging game is so lucrative, it stands to reason the rest of us should drop our day to day crap jobs and try our hand at living the high life of a filthy, lazy bum. But is it just that easy? No, or we’d end the article here. So let’s press on!

The Look

No beggar worth his salt or your money is going to get anything more than someone telling him to take a bath and get a job if he doesn’t look the part. But for the love of God, don’t go stinky hobo on this. It’s a fine line between acceptably pathetic and disgustingly rancid. You don’t want to go rancid. Real life hobos have that covered. You just need to look down on your luck and relatable.

robert pattinson If you’re in the market to have some passingly pathetic and pseudo-filthy hair, try modeling yourself after Robert Pattinson. He looks like he just woke up in an alley all the time. Would you give this man money for a coffee on a cold day? Of course you would. Then you’d punch his neck because f*ck Twilight.

joaquin phoenix Here’s the clincher for any good beggar, the outfit. Joaquin Phoenix here would make no money whatsoever, because he’s disgusting to look upon. The hat on his head looks like discarded underpants and he has some kind of friction explosion in his crotch. Now you know as well as the rest of us that Joaquin Phoenix probably has enough money to buy clothes that haven’t been shat upon. You should too. Model yourself after Kevin Smith, he never looks completely homeless, yet he seems to wear the same clothes all the time, implying he could probably find a use for $2.

justin timberlakeNo one likes a full-on hobo beard. What are you hiding? Lice? A second mouth? Felony charges from Tennessee where you were caught sodomizing a tree? Dendrophiliacs are unloved everywhere. What you want is some more generic hipsteresque facial hair, the sort of thing that says “I don’t live in a box, but I also lack access to running water.” Say hello to Justin Timberlake. He needs a sandwich, badly.

Now that you look the part, you need to act the part. Is that as easy as growing Justin Timberlake face pubes and not reeking like parboiled anus? Not quite. A wealthy beggar needs a good hook. I once wrote about a bum who rooked me out of $5 after telling me an awesome story about how his wife needs surgery, and he’s staying at the Holiday Inn with only a hot plate and no food, and oh yeah, he had one goddamn leg. No shit, he took off a wooden leg and showed it to me, it was like the circus just gave me a VIP performance and I loved every riveting second of it. However, that man is not rich. His story was too damn long and required me to make too much of a time investment at the get go. The only reason he hooked me is because I love a ripping good yarn and when one legged dudes accost me in alleys I’m always open to hearing them out. But you can’t do this because people passing quickly will be all “shove your leg up your ass, one leg” and plus, you’ll have to remove your leg. F*ck that, am I right?

For your money sexing to work (real beggars beg, wealthy fake beggars sex for money), you need a quick and powerful approach. Think of hookers; do they tell you how they need more ointment to clear up those blisters? No, they just ask if you want to party (with added texture). Here are some surefire ways to get some of that sweet panhandler cash.

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Oh man, is your wallet in your hand already? No doubt. Of course, it’ll help your case a lot if you’re Bono or you have an adorable dog, but even just a GnR shirt and a clever pun will probably get you where you need to be. Set up shop outside a WalMart, where people are known to both have cash and not have sense, and you’re probably looking at a few hundred bucks by day’s end.

7 Responses to "How to Be a Weatlhy Beggar"

  1. Turbin Cowboy says:

    WTF is a Weatlhy Beggar?

  2. U Mecca Me Hot says:

    an oxymoron

  3. aPlateOfGrapes.com says:

    Most beggars aren’t homeless. A good deal of them are greedy fuckers who prey on the kindness of strangers. Offer every one you see $20 to mow your lawn. You’ll be baling hay long before you get someone to mow it.

  4. Random says:

    When does the winner of the caption contest on July 26th get picked for the Dinner for Shmucks movie tickets? I’ve emailed the feedback address twice.

  5. Ian Fortey says:
    We did a post at the end of that week that detailed the 10 bets captions and the winner,
  6. Ted Dancin' says:

    wealthy is spelled wrong

  7. Billy-Bob says:

    Up here in northern europe beggars daily income is from 100 to 400 euros. Average salary is about 15euros per hour at normal work minus taxes ~30%.

    im just wondering, why am i working?