If you thought there was absolutely nothing interesting going on in North Dakota, you were right. That’s what makes this ridiculous story so hard to believe. Ryne Anderson broke up with a girl and then, over the course of a few months, sent her texts and Facebook messages telling her that he was in trouble with drug dealers. We have it on good authority that North Dakota drug dealers are actually just veterinary technicians pushing low grade dog tranquilizers, but that’s neither here nor there.
As time went on, the drug dealers, emboldened by their fictitious balls, started making outlandish demands and threats. If this kid’s ex girlfriend didn’t start playing with his weiner, they were going to make her pay. Her and her family would probably be flown into the stratosphere on jetpacks manned by kamikaze monkeys and dropped into pits filled with lava and dragons. That’s some serious shit.
On two separate occasions the girl had sexual contact with Anderson because of the threats from drug dealers. Even in North Dakota it seems hard to believe anyone is buying that load of shit.
“Oh man, these drug dealers said if I have blue balls tonight they’re going to burn down the orphanage!”
“Yep, better get on that unless you want to kill all those orphans.”
“Me? But what do your drug dealers have to do with –“
“Stop trying to kill orphans!”
And somehow, according to the details of the charges filed against Anderson, it worked. Twice. With that in mind, if you ever find yourself in North Dakota, feel free to try out these lines. Of course threats of bodily harm would be illegal, but if someone’s falling for that, it’s just as likely they’ll fall for these!
• Oh God, I think a rattler just bit my penis, help me suck the poison out!
• Hold still, I think I see a chicken bone lodged in your esophagus. My fingers are too short to reach it, but I do have something in my pants that may jostle it free if I keep poking at it.
• My accent? Yes, I’m Latvian. In my country we don’t shake hands to say hello, we engage in coitus.
• I’m a doctor and I’m giving out free proctological exams.
• Pardon me, I think I dropped my keys in your vagina.
• If I don’t have sex every hour, the sun explodes. Little help?
• You don’t remember me because you have amnesia. We used to make porno together all the time and you promised to we’d do at least 7 more.
• I just read on AOL that blowjobs grant wishes.
• North Dakota just created a new Pledge of Allegiance. You have to face the flag while I do you. Every morning.
• Have you tried this new astronaut food? Yeah, you take it like a suppository. It’s delicious and you get a full meal in only 15 minutes.
• Did you see Holy Taco’s cosplay gallery? The only way to wash the images from your eyes is to bend over and let me administer the antidote. It’ll take about 15 minutes.
• I just became an ordained minister. Now my man juice cures most ailments and raises your IQ with each dose.
• Word on the street is that 7 of the world’s 10 richest people got that way after riding me like a show pony. Can you ignore those odds?