Every man worth his salt wants boobs. No offense gay guys who don’t like boobs, but that’s the fatal flaw in your whole gay game. There’s no boobs. And that’s why a gay guy will never walk on the moon. For the rest of us, there’s no loftier goal than getting to some boobs. See ‘em, motorboat ‘em, trace them on some parchment paper, there’s not a lot of wrong ways to go with some boobs. But seeing as we don’t naturally come with boobs, unless we’re more enthusiastic about deep dish and butter than God intended, most of us don’t rightly know what to fully do with boobs. After the motorboating is through, then what? In the cupboard? Fold them up in the wallet? IT’S TEARING ME APART!
Put yourself together, son. If there’s one thing Holy Taco knows, it’s boobs. We’re on the internet. We work here, day in and day out, which means out office is lousy with boobs all the time. Not real ones of course but shut up. We get Russian boobs on RSS feed, Brazilian boobs in our inbox and Japanese boobs printed on edible paper then wrapped around pancakes in the office fridge. Why? Because we can. Because we should.
Anyway, should you ever get ahold of your own boobs, you’re going to need to know what to do with them. This is what you do.
Step 1: Make Your Boobs Comfortable
Ask any lady, boobs require a certain degree of comfort. Incidentally, we don’t mean just any lady. Don’t ask your grandma, because that would be uncool. How uncool? This uncool;
You: Hey grandma, how they hanging?
Grandma: What’s that?
You: I mean your boobs. Do they feel alright? Is your support garment adjusted properly? Not too tight or anything? They comfy up in there?
Grandma: You’re out of the will, devil-child! Your real father was an obese mail carrier from New Jersey!
Oh man, that turned out badly, didn’t it? Stick to asking ladies with whom you are on a boob-friendly level.
That said, you’ll want to ensure you’re keeping your boobs in a temperate zone. Boobs hate heat and they will sweat. Side boob, underboob, the whole circle of boob will just get out of sorts. Likewise, though you might think the cold is the friend of the boob, it’s not always so. Do you even want to imagine a frost-bitten hypothermic blue boob? No. no you don’t.
Once you have the temperature taken care of, you may want to look into a variety of fabrics and cozy materials in which to ensconce your boobs. You can’t go wrong with latex!
Step 2: Get Friendly with your Boobs
No one likes to feel like a second class citizen, ignored and unwanted, and boobs are no different. Don’t treat your boobs like a scullery maid, using them to mop up spills or weigh down important papers when you have a window open. Boobs deserve respect.
Never treat a boob like a speed bag. It’s just not right. Instead, find out what it likes to do. Give you boob a relaxing massage. Maybe take it for a jog in the park or a rousing game of boob juggling. It’s not just fun, it’s a bonding experience.
History tells us boobs enjoy mingling with their own kind, so order some boobie movies on demand, or attend a beach volleyball game and let your boobs frolic with others. Remember, boobs come in all kinds of different colors and sizes, so let them meet and greet everyone. If your boobs seem to be getting aggressive and bristling, reassure them with a gentle nuzzle.
Step 3: General Boob Upkeep
All boobs need a good bathing every so often. A damp cloth is only good for emergencies like preparing your boobs to meet unplanned company or celebrities like Tiffany or Paul Reubens. In general you should give your boobs a full on washing every day with soap and warm water. Start at the top and work your way down. They enjoy the water and won’t put up much of a fuss. For a fun diversion, if you have a glass shower door, put ‘em on the glass. Ha ha, charming!
Step 4: Long Term Maintenance
You may only be familiar with spectacular boobs or those new-fangled plastic ones everyone seems to be buying. And while they are a delight, you must be ready to be responsible for what is yet to come – the ravages of age and gravity. Age and gravity work together like John McCain and Sarah Palin – they’re super lame downers who will only serve to make a mockery of what you hold dear. Together they will turn your once proud boobs into mishy mashy pudding-in-a-tube-sock smudges across your torso. Unless you prevent it.
Obama used hope and the legacy of a complete retard to defeat his enemies, you can use proper support garments and general toning exercises. Also, it never hurts to exfoliate. How does that help? God knows but if given the choice between leaving your boobs alone or vigorously rubbing them, which do you prefer?
Step 5: Put ‘em Out There
Boobs are not meant to be hidden away under bulky, ill-fitting sweaters and in buildings and looking fried-eggy and gross. They need to be proud and wonderful and sitting up like expectant dogs waiting for praise. Is that offensive? Marginally. But the spirit is one we can all get behind. Boobs are meant to be appreciated and anyone who whips out the words “mammary glands” or dares to suggest they’re solely for feeding babies is probably a Communist incapable of love.