September 13th may have come and gone, but that doesn’t mean you can’t prepare for next year’s celebration of a genus of bacteria that can damage reproductive organs and make a person go blind. Of course, we have Sweden to thank for this as they have officially declared every September 13th Chlamydia Day, in the hopes of spreading awareness of the disease that infects 4 Swedes every hour, because Swedes are dirty people, as we’ve always suspected. What else would you expect from a country responsible for IKEA and inventor and entrepreneur Gustaf Dalén? You know about Gustaf, right? Yeah, we thought so. That Gustaf, what a prick.
We in America love our national days. Hell, we just hand them out to whatever dumbass with ten-bucks and a lame cause, just so some a-hole blogger on a site with an angry taco on its upper left corner can somehow turn in to a dick joke, no matter how much he has to stretch the topic to do it, like a yogi stretching his dick while pulling a city bus.
Chlamydia is known as a "silent" disease because the majority of infected people show no symptoms until up to 1 to 3 weeks after the infection has taken root. And also because the disease had a rough childhood, always moving away to a new town due to its father’s inability to hold down a job, so it doesn’t attempt to establish meaningful connections with people for fear that it will just have to move again, leaving it heartbroken. Chlamydia’s pain runs deep…and causes vaginal discharge and itching around the pee hole.
And, oh, what fun can be had with it! If you run with the “silent” idea, you and your friends can play a rousing game of Charades, where the person miming has to act out symptoms of Chlamydia, and everyone else has to guess what STD they’re gesturing (Hint: it’s always chlamydia).
Did someone say vaginal discharge? Yeah, we did up there, not too long ago. What are we, stupid? Yes. And you can make a vaginal discharge drink. Why? Well, sure, I’ll answer that, seeing as I meant to type “How?” and somehow f*cked that shit up along the way. To answer your question: because it’s Chlamydia Day! That’s what you do, man! You only do a few things on Chlamydia day: A) You play games in which the answer is always Chlamydia, B) you drink alcoholic beverages that bare far too close a resemblance to the excretions of a penis or vagina that has fallen ill, and C) you can…
…Give The Gift Of Chlamydia
What would Chlamydia Day be without Chlamydia? Well, it would just be another day that we didn’t have dedicated to a pee-pee malady that can make you feel weird in your genitals and make you go blind in your eyes. If you want to make a joke or reference to skullf*cking, you can print out this page and write your joke in the space below.
(Write Skullf*cking Joke Here)
And you can mail your entry to:
Write to me, Stick Stickly
PO Box 963
New York City, New York State 10108
We have no prizes (but we can give you chlamydia).
So, please, celebrate next Chlamydia Day by giving the gift of joy, the gift of magic, the gift of painful urination and swollen testicles – give the gift of Chlamydia, an STD with a really fun name to say.