Ever notice how some people don’t like you? Neither do we. But surely you have friends who lament their lack of universal appeal. The fact is, not everyone is delightful to be around and many of those undelightful characters don’t even know why. Some things are dreadfully apparent, for instance if you have a swastika carved into your forehead, that’s really going to put off any number of people. Also if you constantly set fires or are Lindsay Lohan. But there are many more subtle intersocial faux pas that people engage in all the time that cause people to change plans when they know you’re going to be there. In the interests of ensuring you have the most active and exciting life you can, Holy Taco is here to let you know what you might be doing wrong. Er, what your friend is doing wrong. You’re awesome.
Chewing with Your Mouth Open
Eating with your mouth open is the meal time equivalent of shitting in the passenger seat of a friend’s car just because you have to go. You can restrain yourself if you choose to, so not doing it just shows that you’re really quite awfully inconsiderate.
No one likes to be around an open mouth chewer for any number of reasons, not the least of which is that food becomes exponentially less appealing to look at with each successive mastication. There’s also the issue of you, as the chewer, looking more and more like a dim-witted cow in pasture as you munch away, oblivious to the fact you’re as repulsive as a hobo masturbating in the food court. Odds are you were born with lips and you should be making use of them, shutting your mouth to eat. If you were not born with lips then that is awful, please wear a scarf to protect your terribly dry tongue.
Everyone has to let loose the dogs of war sometimes, that’s a given. You find a burrito in the fridge, you can’t remember exactly when you put it in but there’s no fuzz on it, so you eat it anyway, and then for the next two days you smell like you need a private room in a hospital – oh well. There’s such a thing as tact, however, and you need to use discretion. For instance, if you’re standing on a hill in a windstorm, feel free to break the sound barrier. If you’re carpooling in August and the AC is broken, have a heart. You sick, awful human being.
Irresponsible farters are the people who crop dust a dinner party on their way to the bathroom, or eat chili for breakfast before reporting for duty on a submarine. They also engage in piss poor timing. In cartoons, a well timed fart is fun for all. In real life, if you interrupt grandma’s funeral with a rim rocker you will never be invited to a family function again (which may or may not be good).
“Say, do you have a blog? Tell me all about it!” No one has ever uttered that sentence before and no one ever will. When we’re done at Holy Taco and put on our hats, pack up our briefcases and drive our Studebakers home, we’re greeted by an empty home that demands we in no way talk about our work days because no one gives a shit about your blog. However, one of the funny things about being a blogger is many of them think everyone does care, and they will tell you all about it.
Oh my God, did you hear about the guy in Istanbul who got married to a yak? I wrote about it on my blog! And check out this great video I posted of a squirrel getting drunk! Oh man, it’s rich! No. No sir. No one cares.
Responsible bloggers know that, if you care about their blog, you’ll read it on your own.
A fun tip is that hygiene is not voluntary, not really ever. I think it was once attributed to Queen Victoria that she would bathe twice a year whether she needed it or not. She needed it and so do you. Some folks, however, opt instead to bathe “when they have time” or maybe “Sundays” when it helps no one else to have to stand downwind of the smell of scrotum steeped in sweaty cotton undies.
If you can’t put your finger on why people avoid you, consider your shower schedule. A good plan is to bathe daily, thus removing any stank buildup. As a member of modern society, you ingest more unnatural filth than our ancestors ever did. Eating asparagus makes your pee smell funny, eating amyl butyrate and 4-methylacetophenone makes your pores belch forth a bovine stench that will saturate a small home in under an hour if you’re not wrangling it with soap, water and deodorant.
Like the blogger the self lover has issues with self. Not necessarily chronic masturbation as the name implies, but with just thinking they’re the most interesting thing they have to talk about. And sure, everyone talks about themselves sometimes, that’s normal human discourse, but the self lover alienates all others by initiating conversations about themselves and then making sure that anything you say comes back and relates to them.
Have you ever been to Thailand? The self lover spent a whole summer there and learned some amazing Thai recipes. Next time you go, try to go some place less touristy so you can get the real Thai experience.
Did you just get a new job? Awesome! The self lover used to work in an office until he started his own business because really, working for someone else is a sucker’s game and no way to get ahead. Real visionaries have to work for themselves, because it lets you set your own hours and win or lose on your own ambition.
Hey, did you just finish that book? Good story, huh? Yeah, the self lover actually wrote a book too, it’ll be published next year. He was mentored by Dean Koontz who said it was “readable.”