If you're lucky enough to have a girlfriend enjoys watching football, then do whatever you can to hold onto that woman. Tie her up and lock her in the basement, and make absolutely sure that she never escapes from you, ever. These girls are very rare, though. If you're one of the millions of dudes who's girlfriend disapproves of your weekend pigskin obsession, don't kick your girl to the curb just yet. She's probably willing to like watching football with you, but first she needs to cycle through all of the bullshit arguments as to why football sucks. Here's how to defeat every argument she's got:
1. "Nothing Ever Happens in Football!"
Be careful not to lose your temper, resort to logic, and point out that her favorite show, Dancing with the Stars, is less exciting and more reduntantly stupid than any football game could ever be, even if it were being played by blind elderly alzheimer's patients. Instead, explain that the teams must cover 10 yards in 4 downs, and try to get into the different ways of doing that without getting too complex about it. It's very important that you stay as calm as possible; she's going to try to over-complicate things just to piss you off, because that's what girls do when they're being difficult. If she's still not buying it, or if she's proving too difficult for your patience to handle, then just flip to the NFL Redzone channel. This channel makes sure that you only see the most exciting parts of every football game that's currently on television, and it's perfect for people who are suffering from severe ADHD or a pain-in-the-ass girlfriend.
2. "It's Too Violent!"
There are a lot of girls out there that don't like football just because they think it's too brutal or violent. This is kind of understandable. Girls are soft, emotional, dainty creatures who sit down to pee and think with their hearts. They like flowers, scrapbooks, and a hot bubble bath. It's very difficult to convince this kind of girl to watch a football game, but it can be done. You just need to pull on her heart strings a little bit. Just explain to her that these men are like modern-day gladiators, who sacrifice their bodies for the amusement of a roaring, and often hostile crowd. It's also a good idea to add that many of these men are playing to honor and support their retarded children. She may be skeptical, because you probably already tell a lot of lies involving retarded people. This is the perfect time to bust out a box of Flutie Flakes. If she's not convinced that football players are good guys after you pour her a bowl of cereal that's endorsed by a midget, retarded son-having quarterback who donates all of the proceeds to an Autism foundation, then that bitch has no heart.
3. "I Don't Know Who To Cheer For!"
A common complaint that a lot of girls concoct about watching football is that they just don't know who to root for. This can be countered in three different ways, depending on the level of "girl-to-sports retardation" that you're dealing with. The first is the Riding the Bus With My Sister level of retardation. Like jingling a set of keys at a baby, you can convince this girl to route for a team based on jersey color alone. It's best to introduce her to a team that has soft, pretty colors. The Dolphins are a nice choice here, as the turquoise and flourescent orange are very inviting. If this isn't working well enough, then your girlfriend is more of a Forrest Gump-type retard. She's not going to be convinced based on jersey color alone, like a shit-tossing monkey. She uses logic to decide who to route for, so you'll need to add another variable: the mascot. There isn't a girl on Earth who won't route for a Dolphin to beat the hell out of a Buccaneer. If you've tried the team colors and the mascot and she still can't choose, then you've got yourself a level three retard: The Hills retard. She's smart enough to see through your pretty color/cute animal tactics, so you've got to go with what she knows: shitty reality television. Has one of the game's quarterbacks dated Jessica Simpson? Your girlfriend will have an opinion on that. She's also fully aware that Kendra (the girl who's titties you watch on a muted TV while eating a TV dinner when your girlfriend is out of town) is married to an NFL receiver. It doesn't matter what team he plays for. Just tell her he's the one that's catching the ball, and she's got something familiar to root for. Problem solved.
4. "I Don't Understand the Scoring!"
This is a very common anti-football argument, and when you think about it, football scoring is kind of irrational. The best way to explain the scoring is to start at the beginning and work your way up, like this: "You see, darling, when the team gets the ball into the endzone, they receive 6 points. If they can't quite make it to the endzone, they have the opportunity to kick the ball through the uprights for 3 points. During that time, the other team can try to tackle them in their own endzone for 2 points, which is called a Safety. After they've scored a touchdown for 6 points, they have the opportunity to kick the ball through the uprights for an extra 1 point, or they can attempt to get the ball into the endzone in one play for an extra two points, but if the other team intercepts the ball or gets a fumble and runs it back on that one play, then that's worth...I think that's worth 6 points for them. Or,...I don't know. Is it 2 points? Or maybe the play just stops. If you block an extra point, can you run it back for a touchdown? I think...yeah, I think you can...I don't know. I'm gonna call Phil. He'll know." On second thought, try to avoid this conversation altogether. The scoring just doesn't make any sense at all.
5. "I Just Don't Like It!"
This is a common, highly effective, and extremely versatile argument that a girl can use for just about anything. There's really no way to defend against it, but you do have another option. Just do what she does to you all the f*cking time: make her feel like a complete asshole for saying what she just said. Regale her with a heart-warming tale about how, when you were a little boy, you remember your grandparents snuggling up on the couch to watch the football game on a Sunday afternoon, and how they always seemed to look younger and happier during those times. Tell her about how they loved watching it, because when they were younger, during "The War", they hardly had any television at all, and the Sunday football game was the only guaranteed broadcast for the entire week. For them, Sunday football meant security and safety, and a temporary feeling that everything was going to be okay. For your grandparents, Sunday football was Peace. Your grandfather, who you loved very much, always encouraged you to carry on the tradition, as soon as you found a girl that was worth settling down with, and you thought that maybe, just maybe, she might be that girl. This is a complete lie, of course, but after such a sob story, how could she not feel obligated to watch football with you? And if she doesn't buy it....well, there's always next week.
I laughed my ass off. You didn't. That would make you a 'Corky from Life Goes On' retard. The other fantastic thing about your post was how your avatar was completely justified by it.
I know gay guys that like football. In fact most men regardless of their orientation like football. You sir are in an entirely different category of people.
How about ways to get your husband to watch? I have gone as far as to fake illness to get out of a funeral to watch my team on Sunday. My husband however whines like a girl that football is "borinnnng". I don't think he realized what a gift he is wasting with me
i didn't start liking football till 3 years ago when the packers when 13-3 and went to the nfc championship...and lost. best discovery on my part ever football on sundays when you have a good favorite team is the best.
Yeah, guilt her into watching football. Great idea. Then you'll just have to watch twice as many Katherine Heigl movies later to make it even. No thanks.
I am female and I actually enjoy watching football. I don't know everything about everything but I got the basics down. Heck who doesn't like drinking beers and watching men in tight pants throw around a pigskin and beat the crap out of each other with their friends? Honestly if you have a chick that doesn't like football then so what, rather she lie about it and be miserable the whole time you make her watch it? It's like watching Star Wars with a damn Trekkie, you want to punch them in the face every other scene because they got something demeaning to say about it. Fuck that let her go to church, or sunday brunch or get her nails done or whatever dumb broads do on sunday while you get to enjoy football.
I'm a dude that doesn't like football. I think it's kind of boring and I guess it stems from the whole "follow the herd" mentality everyone else has while watching it. "If you don't like football you've gotta be gay" shite gets old.
It'a America, if I don't want to watch grown men run around in tight pants and get all worked up about watching grown men do things, that's my prerogative. Damnit, let me watch watch something else.
Apparently only REAL men have to watch their "team" like a religious service. What the hell for? I've done Ironmen races, I drink a lot of damn Scotch and I like the ladies very much so, what's with the hate?
No thanks.
Nothing DOES happen in football. It's guys in tight pants shouting stuff at each other before having a massive fondling session for 10 seconds, before resuming the shouting. Face it, it's the gay version of Rugby.
i dont know to much about the whole whole football thing im in to nascar! But i do watch football my favorite team is the steelers! even though i dont understand, doesnt mean i dont like to see them guys run! lol
My wife loves football and, to be honest, it's a mixed blessing. Last year, she wanted to see a Pat's game for our anniversary. Better than ballet, for sure. The real problem is that on Sunday's, she pouts when I go out with the guys because she has to watch the game alone.
Honestly why do we girls have to go through football anyway?
there are sacrifices you make in a relationship, football never seemed important to me. a chubby guy yelling at a tv, eating corn chips and thinking ''oh no my girl doesn't truly understand me because she doesn't like to watch sports with me'' bull. total bull. they enjoy that moment alone, they like yelling at the tv with their friends, beer in hand. we have different activities and I like, promote and respect it. stop messing with it!
(52 Comments)
Twitter
Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
September 15th, 2009 at 10:26 am
these post are getting shittier and shittier!!! Very dissappointed... shame on you Holy Taco..Shame on you!!
September 15th, 2009 at 11:22 am
I laughed my ass off. You didn't. That would make you a 'Corky from Life Goes On' retard. The other fantastic thing about your post was how your avatar was completely justified by it.
September 18th, 2009 at 03:46 am
goddamn faggot
September 15th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Football is kinda dumb, I'm a guy and I don't see what other guys see in watching sports on tv, maybe it's just not my generation.
September 15th, 2009 at 10:40 am
you're obviously a queer.
September 15th, 2009 at 10:43 am
you must be a fag
September 15th, 2009 at 10:45 am
definitely gay
September 15th, 2009 at 10:47 am
not your generation? that doesnt make sense? every generation loves football or some kind of sport
September 15th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Even I think you're gay.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
What a queer.
September 15th, 2009 at 01:05 pm
You are the gayest person in the world
September 15th, 2009 at 02:09 pm
My gaydar just went off
September 15th, 2009 at 02:29 pm
Can I have your phone number?
September 15th, 2009 at 09:40 pm
Can i have ur phone number?
September 16th, 2009 at 07:34 am
whats a fucking queer
September 16th, 2009 at 07:43 am
Bag O Douche
September 16th, 2009 at 01:36 pm
I know gay guys that like football. In fact most men regardless of their orientation like football. You sir are in an entirely different category of people.
September 16th, 2009 at 07:32 pm
watch it on mute and jack off you fag
September 16th, 2009 at 08:51 pm
i think your mother would even slap you for making that kind of a comment please give me your man card
September 17th, 2009 at 05:04 am
You might like football more if you weren’t gay, but it’s ok the radical right says you can change.
September 22nd, 2009 at 02:15 pm
I don't like football either, I like beer, so football it's just an excuse to drink. I love watching football
September 15th, 2009 at 10:29 am
First Douches!!
September 15th, 2009 at 10:29 am
nvm...i'm the douche:)
September 16th, 2009 at 08:27 pm
at least you know it
September 15th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Not your best work, Taco. This was a poor showing.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
How about ways to get your husband to watch? I have gone as far as to fake illness to get out of a funeral to watch my team on Sunday. My husband however whines like a girl that football is "borinnnng". I don't think he realized what a gift he is wasting with me
September 15th, 2009 at 01:35 pm
Its the only way he wont like football. sorry to break the news to you
September 16th, 2009 at 02:31 pm
Duh! Blowjob.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
basketball is better
September 15th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Kendra is no longer married to an NFL receiver.
He got cut by the Eagles today
September 15th, 2009 at 01:03 pm
nba is where its at!
September 15th, 2009 at 01:06 pm
NBA is fucking stupid, nothing but a bunch of egotistical apes jumping around
September 15th, 2009 at 02:44 pm
NBA reminds me of fucking highschool drama, they whine and complain 24/7
September 15th, 2009 at 03:02 pm
IM GOING TO USE THE GRANDPARENTS STORY DAILY TO GET THINGS I WANT! THATS FUCKING HILLARIOUS!
September 15th, 2009 at 03:55 pm
wait... let me get this straight, I want my girlfriend to watch the game with me?
why?
right now, during my football time she leaves me alone. Why do I want to change that?
September 18th, 2009 at 03:39 pm
HERE HERE!
I amd an ex high school football coach. I have three girls and a wife. football is my sanctuary.
September 15th, 2009 at 07:09 pm
i didn't start liking football till 3 years ago when the packers when 13-3 and went to the nfc championship...and lost. best discovery on my part ever football on sundays when you have a good favorite team is the best.
September 15th, 2009 at 08:25 pm
Yeah, guilt her into watching football. Great idea. Then you'll just have to watch twice as many Katherine Heigl movies later to make it even. No thanks.
September 15th, 2009 at 08:34 pm
for the "I don't know who to cheer for sections," im pretty sure a level one retard would be rooting for the dolphins anyways
September 15th, 2009 at 08:44 pm
I am female and I actually enjoy watching football. I don't know everything about everything but I got the basics down. Heck who doesn't like drinking beers and watching men in tight pants throw around a pigskin and beat the crap out of each other with their friends? Honestly if you have a chick that doesn't like football then so what, rather she lie about it and be miserable the whole time you make her watch it? It's like watching Star Wars with a damn Trekkie, you want to punch them in the face every other scene because they got something demeaning to say about it. Fuck that let her go to church, or sunday brunch or get her nails done or whatever dumb broads do on sunday while you get to enjoy football.
September 15th, 2009 at 09:22 pm
Fuck me now you sexy, sexy woman.
December 5th, 2009 at 07:14 pm
I'm a dude that doesn't like football. I think it's kind of boring and I guess it stems from the whole "follow the herd" mentality everyone else has while watching it. "If you don't like football you've gotta be gay" shite gets old.
It'a America, if I don't want to watch grown men run around in tight pants and get all worked up about watching grown men do things, that's my prerogative. Damnit, let me watch watch something else.
Apparently only REAL men have to watch their "team" like a religious service. What the hell for? I've done Ironmen races, I drink a lot of damn Scotch and I like the ladies very much so, what's with the hate?
No thanks.
September 16th, 2009 at 03:03 am
Nothing DOES happen in football. It's guys in tight pants shouting stuff at each other before having a massive fondling session for 10 seconds, before resuming the shouting. Face it, it's the gay version of Rugby.
September 16th, 2009 at 06:00 am
enough said
September 16th, 2009 at 01:10 pm
gay or closet case. Men, tight pants, what brought these things to your mind?
September 16th, 2009 at 01:12 pm
i dont know to much about the whole whole football thing im in to nascar! But i do watch football my favorite team is the steelers! even though i dont understand, doesnt mean i dont like to see them guys run! lol
September 16th, 2009 at 04:30 pm
all sports are for fags.
September 16th, 2009 at 04:41 pm
My wife loves football and, to be honest, it's a mixed blessing. Last year, she wanted to see a Pat's game for our anniversary. Better than ballet, for sure. The real problem is that on Sunday's, she pouts when I go out with the guys because she has to watch the game alone.
Hey, I could do worse, but it's not paradise.
September 16th, 2009 at 09:47 pm
Honestly why do we girls have to go through football anyway?
there are sacrifices you make in a relationship, football never seemed important to me. a chubby guy yelling at a tv, eating corn chips and thinking ''oh no my girl doesn't truly understand me because she doesn't like to watch sports with me'' bull. total bull. they enjoy that moment alone, they like yelling at the tv with their friends, beer in hand. we have different activities and I like, promote and respect it. stop messing with it!
September 22nd, 2009 at 01:43 am
You sound like the perfect women.
Post new comment