If you’re lucky enough to have a girlfriend enjoys watching football, then do whatever you can to hold onto that woman. Tie her up and lock her in the basement, and make absolutely sure that she never escapes from you, ever. These girls are very rare, though. If you’re one of the millions of dudes who’s girlfriend disapproves of your weekend pigskin obsession, don’t kick your girl to the curb just yet. She’s probably willing to like watching football with you, but first she needs to cycle through all of the bullshit arguments as to why football sucks. Here’s how to defeat every argument she’s got:
1. "Nothing Ever Happens in Football!"
Be careful not to lose your temper, resort to logic, and point out that her favorite show, Dancing with the Stars
, is less exciting and more reduntantly stupid than any football game could ever be, even if it were being played by blind elderly alzheimer’s patients. Instead, explain that the teams must cover 10 yards in 4 downs, and try to get into the different ways of doing that without getting too complex about it. It’s very important that you stay as calm as possible; she’s going to try to over-complicate things just to piss you off, because that’s what girls do when they’re being difficult. If she’s still not buying it, or if she’s proving too difficult for your patience to handle, then just flip to the NFL Redzone
channel. This channel makes sure that you only see the most exciting parts of every football game that’s currently on television, and it’s perfect for people who are suffering from severe ADHD or a pain-in-the-ass girlfriend.
2. "It’s Too Violent!"
There are a lot of girls out there that don’t like football just because they think it’s too brutal or violent. This is kind of understandable. Girls are soft, emotional, dainty creatures who sit down to pee and think with their hearts. They like flowers, scrapbooks, and a hot bubble bath. It’s very difficult to convince this kind of girl to watch a football game, but it can be done. You just need to pull on her heart strings a little bit. Just explain to her that these men are like modern-day gladiators, who sacrifice their bodies for the amusement of a roaring, and often hostile crowd. It’s also a good idea to add that many of these men are playing to honor and support their retarded children. She may be skeptical, because you probably already tell a lot of lies involving retarded people. This is the perfect time to bust out a box of Flutie Flakes. If she’s not convinced that football players are good guys after you pour her a bowl of cereal that’s endorsed by a midget, retarded son-having quarterback who donates all of the proceeds to an Autism foundation, then that bitch has no heart.
3. "I Don’t Know Who To Cheer For!"
A common complaint that a lot of girls concoct about watching football is that they just don’t know who to root for. This can be countered in three different ways, depending on the level of "girl-to-sports retardation" that you’re dealing with. The first is the Riding the Bus With My Sister level of retardation. Like jingling a set of keys at a baby, you can convince this girl to route for a team based on jersey color alone. It’s best to introduce her to a team that has soft, pretty colors. The Dolphins are a nice choice here, as the turquoise and flourescent orange are very inviting. If this isn’t working well enough, then your girlfriend is more of a Forrest Gump-type retard. She’s not going to be convinced based on jersey color alone, like a shit-tossing monkey. She uses logic to decide who to route for, so you’ll need to add another variable: the mascot. There isn’t a girl on Earth who won’t route for a Dolphin to beat the hell out of a Buccaneer. If you’ve tried the team colors and the mascot and she still can’t choose, then you’ve got yourself a level three retard: The Hills retard. She’s smart enough to see through your pretty color/cute animal tactics, so you’ve got to go with what she knows: shitty reality television. Has one of the game’s quarterbacks dated Jessica Simpson? Your girlfriend will have an opinion on that. She’s also fully aware that Kendra (the girl who’s titties you watch on a muted TV while eating a TV dinner when your girlfriend is out of town) is married to an NFL receiver. It doesn’t matter what team he plays for. Just tell her he’s the one that’s catching the ball, and she’s got something familiar to root for. Problem solved.
4. "I Don’t Understand the Scoring!"
This is a very common anti-football argument, and when you think about it, football scoring is kind of irrational. The best way to explain the scoring is to start at the beginning and work your way up, like this: "You see, darling, when the team gets the ball into the endzone, they receive 6 points. If they can’t quite make it to the endzone, they have the opportunity to kick the ball through the uprights for 3 points. During that time, the other team can try to tackle them in their own endzone for 2 points, which is called a Safety. After they’ve scored a touchdown for 6 points, they have the opportunity to kick the ball through the uprights for an extra 1 point, or they can attempt to get the ball into the endzone in one play for an extra two points, but if the other team intercepts the ball or gets a fumble and runs it back on that one play, then that’s worth…I think that’s worth 6 points for them. Or,…I don’t know. Is it 2 points? Or maybe the play just stops. If you block an extra point, can you run it back for a touchdown? I think…yeah, I think you can…I don’t know. I’m gonna call Phil. He’ll know." On second thought, try to avoid this conversation altogether. The scoring just doesn’t make any sense at all.
5. "I Just Don’t Like It!"
This is a common, highly effective, and extremely versatile argument that a girl can use for just about anything. There’s really no way to defend against it, but you do have another option. Just do what she does to you all the f*cking time: make her feel like a complete asshole for saying what she just said. Regale her with a heart-warming tale about how, when you were a little boy, you remember your grandparents snuggling up on the couch to watch the football game on a Sunday afternoon, and how they always seemed to look younger and happier during those times. Tell her about how they loved watching it, because when they were younger, during "The War", they hardly had any television at all, and the Sunday football game was the only guaranteed broadcast for the entire week. For them, Sunday football meant security and safety, and a temporary feeling that everything was going to be okay. For your grandparents, Sunday football was Peace. Your grandfather, who you loved very much, always encouraged you to carry on the tradition, as soon as you found a girl that was worth settling down with, and you thought that maybe, just maybe, she might be that girl. This is a complete lie, of course, but after such a sob story, how could she not feel obligated to watch football with you? And if she doesn’t buy it….well, there’s always next week.