We’ve all seen far too many summer blockbusters to not be terrified of aliens should they make their way to earth, hovering over our major cities and not just anally probing rednecks that you wouldn’t believe were currently engulfed in flames, even if you were looking at the flames consume their flesh before your very eyes. We’ve got to be prepared. We may one day get visited by a jaunty E.T. fellow that can crack-wise while simultaneously look like a flaccid penis. But we could get visited by an Independence Day-type of alien that really doesn’t give a damn about making a new intergalactic friend, as much as they want to harvest our internal organs and convert them in to a lovely pâté for their space hors d’oeuvres to serve at their alien galas and balls.
It is for this very reason that the United Nations recently selected an ambassador to fill the role of our “leader” in the classic “Take us to your leader” first contact scenario. This person is a Malaysian astrophysicist by the name of Dr. Mazlan Othman, who is the head of the Office for Outer Space Affairs in Vienna.
Dr. Othman has been bestowed with a mighty large honor as she represents all of the human race. And seeing as we at Holy Taco are humans as well, we thought it would be nice if we offered Dr. Othman a word of advice for dealing with this first meeting. Besides, we should all have a say in how the first meeting will go down, right?
1) Put on your best pantsuit. No, not the red one. It makes your ass look fat.
2) Don’t spritz yourself with your cherished bottle of Chanel No. 5. The scent is too similar to the pheromones the aliens excrete when in heat. We wouldn’t want our first meeting with aliens to end with purple-glowing semen pouring out of your ear holes. (Alien vagains are located on the sides of their heads. And, yes; there are two of them. This is something humans will take advantage of when we eventually sell the female aliens in to sex slavery).
3) Prepare a nice snack table; preferably something with some carrots, broccoli and ranch dressing. Don’t put out any celery. They look too much like the Mangolins, the race that sold these aliens some bad property in the south-central section of the Andromeda galaxy, aka “the bad part of town.” We wouldn’t want them to think we are in league with them. Unless, of course, they view us eating celery as complete and total domination of the Mangolins. In that case it may work to our advantage. We’d just have to explain why our small, snack-sized Mangolins don’t have teeth-filled suckers for hands – or hands, for that matter.
4) Start off by not – repeat, NOT – playing the musical notes from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. They like the movie — a lot, actually. They just can’t stand that song. It was everywhere. When they entered their personal hydro-electrical transportation vessels for a trip to the corner market, it was playing. When they were getting the cavities filled in their 9th set of retractable teeth at their Xeno-dentist, it was playing. When they were waiting in line at the Jiffy Lube, it was playing. It was their Mambo No. 5. (Coincidentally, they hated Mambo No. 5, which is a plus).
5) Say, “Welcome to EARTH!” like Will Smith did in ID4. Pair that with a mock punch to the face, which immediately transforms in to one of those half-chested “Bro Hugs.” They love a good Bro Hug.
6) Point them in the direction of the vegetables and ranch dressing. If they accept and start to chow down on some veggies, rejoice knowing the meeting is off to a good start. If they decline due to their distaste for ranch, rejoice in knowing that all of the human race that is currently watching this transpire on television just wrote a check mark in the “Nuke’em” column of their “Should We Kill These F*ckers?” chart. C’mon, everybody loves some ranch.
7) Tell them all about earth. This will probably take a while, and it wouldn’t make for very compelling television, so just play them a couple of Rambo movies and that one episode of The Dukes of Hazzard where the Duke boys are in a real pickle and can only get out of it by jumping their car over a thing. You know the one I’m talking about. Yeah, that one.
8) Apologize for all of those episodes of Two and a Half Men we inadvertently sent out in to space. Assure them that the low level of intelligence the show exhibits is not indicative of our species’ overall intelligence. (That’s a lie, but don’t we all lie a little when we first get in to a serious relationship?).
9) Fight back your urge to facepalm and give an exasperated sigh when they say, “I don’t know, I Two and a Half Men was kinda funny.” (When they say “I” they are speaking both in the singular and the plural, for the aliens are a hive mind, which means not a single one of them would like Arrested Development – “too confusing,” they’ll say. The idiots.)
10) Tell the aliens that you want to establish a firm, long lasting, and mutually beneficial relationship with them. Say, “If you share your highly advanced medical techniques and hyper-drive systems for speedy intergalactic space travel, we will give you Racism and Slankets infested with smallpox – our highest achievements as a species.”
11) When they ask, “What are Racism?” reply with, “Something we’re totally not ashamed of. Here, have all of it. It’s our gift to you. It’ll make you – uh, happy…and stuff.”
12) When they ask, “You seem like a reasonably intelligent species. Why haven’t you explored the deepest recesses of space yet?” say, “We were going to, but then, like, House was on, and we totally got distracted.”
13) Shake hands with the aliens knowing that you, Dr. Othman, have just gained the trust of extraterrestrial beings on behalf of the entire human race.
14) Ask them if they want to “hang out” in your ice cream truck. Don’t forget to say, “That? Oh, that’s just some dried-up cherry sauce. It’s not like it’s the remains of the substance that we excrete when we’re mortally wounded or anything.”