Ever since the world found out that I’ve been banging Lebron James’s mom
, a lot of people have been asking me how one might go about hooking up
with the mother of their own friend. Whenever I’m posed with that question, I usually offer up a simple response: "Hooking up with your friend’s mom?" I’ll say, "well that’s easy! Just follow these five simple steps", and then I’ll read them the list I’ve written below. They’ll usually respond by saying, "Oh, cool! Thanks, Delonte West!". They’re thanking me because my technique really works, and I’ve got the track record to prove it. Here’s how you hook up with your friend’s mom:
Step 1: Get on Your Friend’s Mom’s Radar
A mom isn’t going to casually hook up with any of her son’s friends at random. She needs to know who you are, and that’s why you have to get on her radar. So how do you do that? It’s easy. All you have to do is be around. Spend some time with your friend in a location that his mom will also be in. Spend a lot of time chilling at your friend’s house when his mom is around. Obviously you can’t do that if you and your friend are living in two different cities, so if you’re playing for opposing basketball teams, focus first on getting traded to your friend’s team so that you’ll be around all the time.
Step 2: Isolate the Target Mom
A mom is never going to hook up with her son’s friend while her son is around, even if he’s in the other room playing Modern Warfare for 9 hours straight. In order to hook up with your friend’s mom, you’ll have to get your friend out of the picture for at least a few solid hours. Take the time to study your friend’s schedule, so you’ll know exactly when he’s going to be shooting a Nike commercial, doing some Community Service, or playing in an All Star Game that you didn’t get invited to. Then all you have to do is just stop by your friend’s house when he’s gone, and get to work on his mom.
Step 3: Test the Waters
Before you start banging your friend’s mom, you’ll have to be sure she’s interested in banging you back. Otherwise, you’ll just be raping your friend’s mom and that is NOT okay. Nothing is more awkward than making a move on a mom who is not interested in your love pump. Start by telling some subtle dirty jokes, or share a story about a friend of yours who is hooking up with an older woman. If she finds the topic inappropriate, then abort the plan immediately. If she doesn’t immediately kick you out of the house or dismiss your ramblings with a phrase like "Oh, D, you so crazy!", then you need to proceed to step four asap.
Step 4: Make Your Move
Alright, so you’ve gotten the signs that your friend’s mom is interested in taking your skinboat to Tunatown. She’s getting flirty with you, and you’re totally feeling the vibes. Your next move has to be getting naked. With old ladies, you can’t waste a single second, because they could fall asleep, or start watching Wheel of Fortune, or whatever else old people do that totally kills a sexually charged situation. Come up with a good excuse to start disrobing. For example, I have a shitload of tattoos, so all I have to do is say something like "Oh, hey my friend’s mom, have I shown you my new tattoo yet?" and of course she’ll say "No, you haven’t!" and then before she finishes that statemement my clothes are on the floor because she has no idea that the new tattoo I was referring to is located right next to my dick. After that, it’s on, baby! If you don’t have any tattoos, you’ll have to think of another excuse, like maybe it’s really hot in the room, or you just remembered that you’re horribly allergic to cotton, or you recently developed an intense phobia of wearing pants indoors.
Step 5: Ride It Out For as Long as You Can
You’re friend is going to find out that you’re banging his mom eventually, and it’s going to seriously f*ck his life up. He’ll seem to lose any semblance of talent and skill, and if he was really good at something before, he’ll look like a 4 year old with Downs Syndrome when he tries to do it now. Just try to withold the information from him until he gets through a crucial time in his career, like the second round of the NBA playoffs, for example, or else the effects could prove catastrophic.