We all know that 9/11 was an inside job. Literally everyone knows that. Knowing this information can be a bit of a bummer. Sometimes you’ve just got to release some of this bummer all over people and inanimate objects – sometimes a hotel room, a prostitute, your wife — you know, things that nobody cares about, things that no one will make a fuss about if you wreck’em.
But you just can’t walk in to a room filled with piss and vinegar and Quaaludes, cocaine, and a stiffy you’ve been rocking since 6 A.M., and expect the job to get done right. You’ve got to be smart about this. You have to know what objects/people in the room will release the most bummers, because that’s what life’s all about – releasing the bummers brought about by 9/11 and being a man that gets an absurd amount of money to make a show that only has high ratings because hospitals leave it on in their waiting rooms and in the rooms they keep their coma patients in.
Hotel Trashing Tip # 1: Destroy Shit
Did you know that cocaine can make you invincible for a short amount of time, like the blinking stars in Super Mario? It’s totally true. This is why before every hotel trashing session you should do at least a line or 9.
You’ll want to start off the wrecking by smashing the TV. The TV is always a good starting point as it sets the proper tone for the rest of the evening. You can punch the screen with your fists. What’s great about this is that it really makes everyone in the rooms on either side of you wonder if they should simply shit their pants in fear of the maniac next door, of if they should shit their pants while running down the hallway at full speed to get a bellhop for help. Either way, it’s good to shit your pants as a preemptive pant-shitting to one-up their pant-shitting. Hell, even if they don’t shit their pants, or even think about shitting their pants, just shit your pants anyway. For luck.
And if you forget to shit your pants, the inhuman cocktail of barbiturates and psychedelics in your system will insure that this step gets taken care of whether you want it to happen or not.
See that little space in between the last paragraph and this one? I took 5 cocaines and a huff of that liquid that makes air conditioners cold in the space it took me to form a new paragraph. I’m willing to bet that by the time I’m done writing this senten – see, I just splattered my undies. Didn’t even finish the sentence. I’m crying now.
Hotel Trashing Tip # 2: Get Your High-Priced Whore Involved
“Whore!” is what you should be calling your prostitute the entire time you are scaring the hell out of her with your drug-fueled madness. Yeah, she probably has a name, but she stopped being a human to you (me) long ago. So just treat her like the sex-delivering robot she is. I do. I do it often. I’m doing it right now as I write this. This is called multitasking, kids. I am better than most humans because of this. I can write a handy instructional guide to ruining your life (the tears won’t stop. Why won’t they stop?) and I can dehumanize a human at the same time. If I had an Atari near me I would also be getting the highest score ever recorded in Pong by shoveling acid tabs in to the cartridge thingy and calling the hotel drapes various, highly offensive racial slurs – slurs that drapes find very offensive. I can multitask so well, again, because of the inhuman drug cocktail in my brain that is, as of the writing of this very sentence, making me imagine that I have made a double of myself that is aiding me in the destruction of this hotel room. The double looks more like my brother Emilo than me, but when it turns its head it kind of looks like my dad, Martin. Now it’s me again. Now it’s crawling. Now it’s begging me to change my ways or I will suffer terrible consequences.
NOTE TO SELF: If you happen to take an inhuman amount of drugs while trashing a hotel room and another me tries to get you to cool your jets, yell weird things at Whore. I don’t know why, but it makes things better.
NOTE TO SELF #2: Maybe if I put superglue in my tear ducts they will stop getting teary?
NOTE TO SELF #3: Maybe if I put superglue on my soul it will stop the tears at the source?
Hotel Trashing Tip #3: Getting Arrested
If you followed Tip #1, then you should have a sizeable amount of waste in your drawers. This will help in the prevention of getting arrested, especially if you are so high that you believe the waste to be more drugs that must be taken orally to take effect. This will keep the officers at bay, but they also have tasers that can hit you from a far. You don’t have to worry about these though, because you’re invisible now, or at least I am. You can’t see me, only my words. The cops only see my words. That’s why they’re calming Whore down and beating me with rods. It’s cool, though. I was in Hot Shot, Part Duex. I’ll just sign a few pictures of me as Topper Harley and everything will be normal again.
Things aren’t getting normal. The superglue on my eyes is making more tears.