If you’re reading comedy articles on the internet, chances are you have a lot of ambition but very little follow through, much like our staff. Somehow the internet is as far as you ever get, but what you really want is to be at the Playboy mansion, not just watching those 30 second porn clips featuring what you suspect are ladies with serious methadone addictions. Is there a way to get there that doesn’t involve a genie, a talking dog or Hugh Hefner dying and revealing he’s your long lost uncle in his will? Yes. Yes there is. You must destroy anyone and everything in your way.
We need to be clear about just what a sexual enemy is, because there’s a few choices. For our purposes let’s just assume your sexual enemies are one of two kinds – dirty cockblockers or people you have shame sex with.
No one likes being cockblocked, it barely even sounds pleasant. Sounds like you’re jogging with a boner and run into a plate glass window. To destroy those who would wrong you in this way, whether they be trying to pick up the object of your groinal affections or they’re just being douchey and pointing out shit like you should take it easy due to that wicked case of super herpes you have, your actions must be quick and decisive. Punish them as you would a Jonas Brother, to teach both them and all witnesses, lest anyone think of trying these shenanigans in the future.
“Oh My God, you’re that guy who dropped out of school after he got his sister pregnant!” said with a degree of astonishment and sincerity is a sentence well suited to take the wind out of any man’s sails. No one wants to be the guy in the bar trying to cockblock another guy only to have the cockblockee unfurl a detailed story about incest and mongloid babies. Ensure there are details. What color is his sister’s hair, which nearby town did the family move to, what company did your father and his father work at together? Create the most ingenious and despicable lie you have ever told and memorize all those fine details so no matter how much he protests, the ease with which it flows from your tongue will convince all within earshot that this absolutely happened.
Our other sexual enemies are a much tougher breed to deal with, because shame sex is a powerful beast. If you’re like Holy Taco staff, you’re probably the source of shame in most shame sex relationships, but the basic relationship is the same – one person gives in to baser needs and basically can’t be bothered to masturbate, so they choose what would otherwise be an undesirable person to be their hump puppet. You don’t go out on dates, you never go to their house in the daylight and if you run into each other in public, you fake a seizure or simply run.
Should the day ever arrive when your slot jockey rises up like the peasants of a tiny French village against the autocracy of your crotch, you must be ready to fight back lest your private shame become public shame. Do you want a CHUD plastering your dirty messages all over Facebook? No.
Your best net here is to be proactive and head them off at the pass. If the relationship has been going on a while, sever it before it’s too late with a well timed and curious email that explains how you have to go volunteer in an African hospital, or you were just in a motorcycle accident that ripped one of your nuts right off.
If you can’t end the relationship early and you’re at the Facebook shaming stage then you need to turn the tales and fast. Make yourself as undesirable as possible. This will include forfeiting your attachment to bathing, oral hygiene and non-gassy foods. Within a week your repugnance should tilt the shame scales so far in the other direction you’ll be getting a call about how they have to move across country to start a tea shop.
So, you want to be a politician but legitimate politicians keep getting elected in your stead thanks to their history of politics and knowledge and experience and all that other crap the kids are so keen on these days. Obviously you can’t go out and get knowledge and experience, that’s queer as a three dollar bill. The better choice is to polish the turd that is your background as shiny as you can and then leap head first into a furious smear campaign.
As luck would have it, there’s just short of no such thing as a politician everyone loves, so it’ll be easy pickings taking out that fool who thinks he’s taking your job as comptroller. Remember how loved Barack Obama was when he was campaigning? Now look at him, it’s like he got inaugurated and then proceeded to mail a box of poo to each and every registered voter in America, while simultaneously banning cousin-humping and chewing tobacco in the South. And it only took the intellects of the people who run FOX news to make that happen, which is like a footstool winning a chess game.
If you need to take out the locals in a rage-fueled frenzy of school board one-upmanship, the quickest and easiest thing to do is play dirty. Obviously. So get yourself a copy of photoshop so you can produce some evidence to back up your claims because if photoshopped pics are good enough for BP press releases, they’re good enough to make the City Treasurer appear to be fellating Osama bin Laden at a Denny’s.
Here’s a fun list of rumors you can monger to help make yourself look better;
• My opponent once ran an Eastern European brothel
• I have here a picture of the 6 babies my opponent sold to dirty, dirty gypsies
• Apparently my opponent felt his time would be better served shitting on the hood of a school bus than doing his job. Every day last month.
• This man has a sex dungeon in his basement. A real gross one.
Ideally if you can rig some audio or video tape to support your terrible lies, you’ll be even better. Or if you can simply break into their home when they’re away and plant evidence, that’s good too. Converting someone’s basement into a sex dungeon is costly and time consuming but the rewards are that you’re almost guaranteed to be viewed as less disturbing to the voting public.
If you have a job, you have a workplace enemy. This fact is all the more frightening if you’re right now thinking you don’t, because that means your enemy has the upper hand. They know about you but you don’t know about them. You must rectify this quickly or you’re so done.
Your work enemy may be after any number of things including;
• Your job
• Your office
• Your lunch
• Your delicious organs
• Your parking space
You must beware of any covetousness you notice around the office (or dump, wherever). Does a coworker narrow their eyes and lick your lips while following you to the bathroom? They may be after your genitalia. Protect it, but also start making plans.
The easiest way to destroy a work place enemy is out and out sabotage. Do you work at a dog food factory? Sneak cat food into their shit. Imagine what kind of a f*ck up they’d be in the eyes of management if they started making cat food? That’s a firing right there. Do you work at McDonald’s? You could try to hypnotize them into masturbating onto Big Macs, assuming they don’t already do that, but in a pinch you could walk close, say “why are you pushing me?” then dive into the fryer. You may lose a hand or a face, but let’s see them talk their way out of that.
There’s a good chance you live in a neighborhood full of douche rags and shitheads. Statistics indicate your neighborhood sucks that much. Sorry.
For the most part you may be able to live your life in peace by staying indoors and wishing ill upon all who dare pollute your block, but should things escalate to the point where your neighbors become enemies, you have a variety of choices for eliminating them. The best, as you may have guessed, is to wage psychological warfare.
To start the ball rolling in a fun and frisky direction, take a hint from our political opponents up the page a ways and try shitting on the hood of your neighbor’s car. The human brain is wired in such a way as to at first assume an animal must have shat, because why would a human do it? But try as you might, you’ll never be able to fully trick your brain into believing that human turd is anything but home grown. Your neighbor will know. Oh, they’ll know.
The campaign must continue for several weeks. While doing so, feel free to sprinkle other atrocities into the mix. A mailbox full of Jello, a gas tank filled with sprayable foam insulation (unless you’re feeling crafty and want to slip under the car and just fill the whole thing) and cockroaches slipped into the dryer vent are all good ways to ruin someone else’s life and are only passingly illegal.
As long as you keep it up the end result is sure to be either your neighbor moving or becoming so paranoid and concerned with their own hellish existence they won’t have time or energy to keep up with their end of the enemy relationship and that means you win. Good for you!