As children our definition of a great birthday party usually involves lots of gifts, a large cake, and a piñata shaped like a character from our favorite kid’s show. As we age, our parties become underwhelming affairs with the highlight being that nobody puked on the dog after a night of heavy drinking, if we even have a celebratory bash at all. By the time we hit our 60s, we’re just happy when someone so much as acknowledges our existence on our birthdays. Jack Snyder from Port Richy, Florida, wanted to change that by taking the reins of his 64th birthday celebration in to his own hands and dictating what an appropriate celebration would entail. Of course, this involved dropping his pants and waggling his junk at a school bus loaded with elementary school students.
Happy birthday, Jack!
At 64, you’ve either gotten bored with the idea of someone seeing your dick, or you’ve gotten fed up with the fact that absolutely no one wants to see your dick anymore – not like there were hundreds of people clamoring to see it to begin with. Jack falls in to the second group. He hit 64, thought about the number of people that have seen his dick in his lifetime, then probably became angry that the number was so low. As Master Yoda once said, “Anger leads to hate, and hate leads to giving children an eye-full of old man schlong.”
Jack was charged with five counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition, presumably because Jack has five dicks, and they were all slapping together like window-hung sausage links in a butcher shop during an earthquake. Police say Jack found the display to be “funny,” which makes some sense, really. I mean, when you hit age 60 you start to think about your mortality quite a bit. You think about old age and the fun you had in your youthful days. You think about how in-shape you were back in your 20s. And then you start to compare 20s-you to 60s-you – sadness soon follows. At that point the only way to feel better about yourself is to show some children the horrors that that bitch named Time will curse your body with. The boys on that bus were probably all very proud of their dicks when that day began, but by the time their parents greeted them when they walked in through the door they encountered a child that had spontaneously grown weary of life and its unfairness; they encountered children that had lost faith in their dicks. They saw their dick’s future…and it was grim.