Facebook is a great tool for reconnecting with people that you haven’t seen or heard from in years. Sometimes this reconnection is a good thing – the person has matured, they have stayed pretty much the same, and what’s different is only for the better. But then there are those other people…the ones that seem like time has only turned up the volume on their idiocy. These people can turn a routine checking-in on your Facebook newsfeed in to an improv class where you rattle off a series of highly imaginative, off-the-cuff insults in your head that you will totally say to that person’s face if you ever run in to them again. In short, Facebook allows us to not only check up on where people are in their lives, but also, how much of an insufferable douchebag they’ve become.
Of course, there is the unwritten rule of social etiquette that comes along with social networking. If you were to tell this douchey person off on his or her comment wall, you may as well have rented out a theater, packed it with your entire friends list, and invited the douche in question on stage to make a show out of your criticism.
With this in mind, we have decided to catalogue some of the docuchey Facebooker’s favorite ways to keep you informed of their douchebaggary.
Your “Friend” Just Pimped Out His Car
A time honored tradition of the douchebag is to buy a car, and then strip it of everything that made it a wise purchasing decision, and replace all of the sensible frills with gaudy horseshit that no human could possibly need. A good example of this is when that special douchey someone on your friends list will add a 13-inch spoiler on their 1998 Mazda Miata, snap no less than a dozen pictures of it and slap them up on Facebook for everyone to see. By doing this, the douchebag is trying to project a certain image of themselves that, sadly, no one is buying. This douche has always wanted to be The Car Guy – the guy that everyone can look up to as the dude with a ride so enviable that nothing you do to your car will ever be as magnificent as the mismatched doors the douche has on his, or the after-market stereo system he had installed that makes his dashboard look like someone stuck a blacklight poster from Spencer’s Gifts on to a twisted pile of rusted steal in a scrap yard.
Your “Friend” Would like To Inform You That He is Very, Very Drunk Right Now
Douchebags are folks that take great pleasure in letting you know they are currently in the process of getting so drunk, or are currently so drunk, that they may end up vomiting at some point in the near future. While we don’t have any kind of scientific study to back this up, we can only surmise that the reason for this constant influx of information about inebriation stems from the douchebag’s desire to be thought of as the person that is always, at all times, performing the actions that we have all deemed rebellious.
While one status update about being drunk may be forgivable, a second, third, or fourth reeks of sadness, reeks of the desperate need for attention. What this douche really needs is an entourage of fellow douchebags that will verify their own perceived coolness. They need a Yes Man – a guy that will always respond, “Yeah, man! You ARE as cool as you think you are!” whenever they feel no one has acknowledged how cool they are in the past few seconds.
Your “Friend” Just Took A Picture Of His Middle Finger
When you gather a gaggle of douchebags together for a picture, you’re going to get two things: 1) not one smile, and 2) a series of middle fingers that act as a glorious flag knitted in honor of this group’s pseudo-counter-culture sensibilities. These douches are typically what science people call Alpha Males. Yet, even though they have the attitudes of potential leaders of men, they still posses this strange victimhood, like they, by bandying their middle fingers about, are somehow how delivering a message of defiance to “The Man.” You, of course, don’t buy it for a second because you know this person, or you knew this person way back when they were the top dog in high school.
Thanks to these douches, middle fingers have been rendered meaningless, striped of their original intention, as they are essentially flipping themselves the bird.
Your “Friend” Would Like To Take A Moment To Show You How Humble They Are
After all of the douchebag theatrics, there will inevitably come the Facebook status update that pulls back the veil and shows the douche for the kind, sympathetic human being that he wants you to believe actually exists underneath all that posturing. This post is very easy to find within the shuffle of news feed posts as it will be the only one where the person’s name and the content of the message are in no way in sync. This person has for so long tried to show you this one side of themselves that you know associate that name with the personality traits they wanted you to see. But now, all of a sudden, it’s time to get real. It’s time to praise Jesus, or it’s time to talk about how thankful they are for everything in life. While this may be a genuine belief of theirs, it’s kind of hard to reconcile these two personality aspects when one of them has been so hammered in to our heads, and that one aspect completely counters the other. It’s like when rappers write songs filled with violence and sex and general debauchery, but then thank God for their career. There’s a disconnect there that’s just flat-out comical.